User:Gladstone/Yorkshire

Yorkshire's most famous sons frequently perform a tour of the provinces, in this case nearby Hull, and are held in high regard by all Yorkshire men and women.

“Where have you been since I last saw you? On Ilkley Moor without suitable headwear?”

~ Noel Coward on visiting Yorkshire

The Incognito Republic of Yorkshire (pronounced:Yarksher) is a completely free and independent nation in the north of England. Yorkshire is wellknown for its unique climate, the weather is always clement and the tea's always the right temperature for sippin'.

Yorkshire is commonly known to its inhabitants as "God's county," and although most Yorkshiremen erroneously believe that this refers to the deity of Judeo-Christian religious mythology, the epithet actually derives from an 1815 map in which the entire county was listed as being under the ownership of Baron Felix God of Skipton. Baron God's reign was short-lived, however, as he was quickly deposed by a one-legged swineherd from Shipley, who was looking for a more cushy job involving less lifting. Outside of Yorkshire, the county is often (more accurately) referred to as "The Armpit of the North."

Administration

There is no official government of Yorkshire. However, an experimental system known as Council Communism has been in place since the mid 1940's, when the Labour Party seized control of the country, and began distributing power to the masses. While this failed to take hold in vast swathes of the country, the theory was taken to heart by most Yorkshiremen after it transpired that Communism involved a lot of striking, or abstinence from work. Since most people did this already socialism became immensely popular.

Arthur Scargill attempted to become President for Life in 1982 but was deposed when it was discovered that nobody liked him. Michael Palin is the foreign secretary for Yorkshire.

Paraphernalia

A Yorkshire Pudding

Contrary to popular belief, Yorkshire Puddings are not manufactured in Yorkshire, but an assembly line in several tropical locations; the climate in the north of England is much too wet and cloudy for the successful production of that particular crop.

The people

Yorkshire is populated with 'working class men and women', the local variation of the human. Under the Pale settlement, English language, customs and law are permitted only in Harrogate, Wetherby and the Yorkshire dales elsewhere these are unknown.

National Anthem

The National Anthem of Yorkshire is the famous Ilkey Moor baht 'at, in which the singers gleefully reflect upon the death of a young man, knowing they will soon be able to feast on the animals that have fed on the worms which take sustainence from his rotting remains. Whilst seemingly macabre, Yorkshire folk claim that this homely ditty simply reflects their pragmatic nature and dislike of waste.

The National Yorkshire army on manoeuvres

Military

The National Yorkshire army is well equipped with slurry with which to spray over the enemy, ensuring horrible crappy death. They also have a large cavalry force which is tasked with the vital job of hunting foxes. Yorkshires Thermonuclear weapons are hidden in gapeing gill.

Languages

The national language of Yorkshire is "Yarksher", which is distantly related to English. Yarksher is spoken throughout Yorkshire, except Barnsley which has its own language.

It is compromised by a complex system of gluttoral and plosive linguistical features, best represented in the local phrases 'By, thats a nice cuppa char' (I salute your beverage-creating skills, fine sir), 'Am gooin' off f'er fag' (I would like to removed to a place where I can safely poison myself with nicotine) and 'What's tha' lookin' at, mate?' (I am considering the use of violence towards your person).

Capital Cities

Although the weather is often clement, occasionally they do get the old bit of light drizzle

Yorkshire has no formal administrative capital, and the title of 'Capital of All This Dahn Ere' is claimed by all of the below. Owing to the continual warfare resulting from this dispute, all administrative decisions are taken by games of rock, paper, scissors.

Heckmondwike

Capital of the Heavy Woollen District.

Local Muslims have a notorious sense of humour which was demonstrated when they all voted for the racist BNP councillor David Exley. Regretably their hopes that he would die of shame at being elected by an overwhelming asian vote came to naught.

Had the first Christmas lights in the country and a very pleasant town centre park with flowers and all - these have all been nicked for Huddersfield by Kirlees and the park replaced with an open air urinal (which is described as a bandstand by Kirlees)

Leeds

Considered by most Tykes to be "a bit lah-di-dah", as only 87% of the population are engaged in heavy industries, Leeds nevertheless bases its claim of primacy on the grounds that they have Headingley, the site of some of England's greatest defeats at cricket, and Elland Road, the home of the worlds worstfootball team. Other popular sports in the city include 'prohibition from mining' (topping the league of which is Arthur Scargill) and 'I'm more dialectal than tha', kidda and beating up lancastrians.

Morley

Morley is an independent federal republic which exists in a perpetual state of 1066-ness. Their claim to be the capital falls down a bit when you consider that they seceded from Britain in 1066, but that doesn't stop Rotherham.

Scarborough

Scarborough is a large outdoor retirement complex, and is the home of many of Yorkshire's most famous people. It is inhabited solely by the village elders of Yorkshire, which surely makes it the capital.

Skipton

The gateway to the dales! It must be the capital as it has the highest concentration of chavs in yorkshire. Keighley has a few but is normaly classed as being one of the levels of hell.

Skipton is considered to be in charge of distributing benefits to the non-working population of Yorkshire (ie. everybody except them foreigners) because of the extensive network of charity shops. People from across Yorkshire people flock to try get their second hand whippets.

Sheffield

Another city with a strong claim to be the capital of Yorkshire, Sheffield is famous for not producing steel and infamous for producing Sean Bean. All hills in Sheffield go uphill in all directions, except downwards.Connection with the arts includes the Arctic Monkeys, a 'pre-pubescent pop sensation',Reverend and the makers, Little man tate and once Def Leppard. Both albums by the band are therefore marked by irritable rasping noises, loud mechanical riffs and suicide-inducing accents. The city also boasts two universities. 98.65% of Sheffield students stay on in Sheffield when they leave Uni - which says a lot about the standard of education there.Football was invented there, you know.

Rotherham

Hang on, this is actually a real picture of Rotherham. What the hell is going on???

Following the Great Rotherhamitian Cultural Revolution, in 1997 the town seceded from the United Kingdom and unilaterally declared itself The People's Republic of Rotherham. This change heralded a glittering new era of chronic recession and juvenile pregnancy. Many Rotherhamites unfortunately still believe that it is 1984 (and that they must be unemployed), while others continue to party like it's 1999.

The perimeter wall surrounding the Republic makes intelligence difficult to come by (pun intended), but reports suggest that, along with Sheffield, Rotherham was briefly submerged by 'water' (read: rat urine) in the "Great Flood" (read: moderate rain) of summer 2007. High-altitude British reconnaissance aircraft later sighted dozens of civilians emerging from the briny deep, markedly cleaner than before.

Doncaster

Doncaster is a well-known racecourse. Rumours of a nearby town are thought to be an urban legend. However, recently a research team was sent in at a cost of four billion dollars by the National Geographic (who are planning to have it made into a documentary) and has revealed there to be an acutal town in close proximity to the racecourse. Subsequent investigations show it to be populated in the main by individuals whose main aim in life is trying desperately to turn Doncaster into a CITY (Ref: Auth. G.M. Grinldley: Your Parish Church - How To Pass It Off As A Cathedral), giving rise to speculations that from this lofty status it would be a doddle to make administrive capital. Doncasterians are easily identifiable by their pronunciation of the Yorkshire vowel sound 'O'. This is not the flattened, guttural 'O' of the robust, hairy-arsed Yorkshireman, but an altogether more melodious and socially impressive 'OWWE', (i.e., as in Rowweling Stowwens). Amongst other startling facts unearthed about the populace, a most interesting bit of trivia suggests that most Doncaster people are murdered.

Although only 14 miles from Barnsley, no Doncaster resident has ever been there, owing to the fact that Doncaster's economic heritage stemmed in the main from gentlemen farmers (witness - "The Corn Exchange") a very far cry indeed from the heavy-industrial gobshite miners and the pits that Barnsley was built upon. As a consequence, Doncaster and its peoples class themselves above that shite, remain fiercely proud of their outdated genealogy, and wouldn't go to Barnsley for a gold pig. ("They eat crisps off the floor").

Huddersfield

"Uddersfield" used to provide the world's main source of ammonia, but now it is completely piss-poor and is most famous for being a shithole of ill repute. It currently holds the title of "armpit of Yorkshire" and could never really hope to be the administrative capital. It does, however, boast some architectural prowess being home to the infamous Gayfarm stadium, which is built entirely from lego and loosely based on the 1984 Barbie and Ken playland fun set.

Hull

'Ull claims to be in Yorkshire, but is now part the UK's coastal waters, following flooding in 2007. John Prescott, a highly popular womaniser and polo champion, still resides in Hull, which is convenient as he doubles up as a spare life-raft for the RNLI.

Bradford

Bradford Town Hall, seen across the new children's playground on a clear day.

"Bratford" is known for its wonderful natural concrete beauty, and draws literally dozens of tourists a year to see its renowned horizontal rain and its picturesque boulevards, and to draw inspiration from its utopian society, in which all races, sexes and creeds live together in peace and harmony, except for those that don't.

Harrogate

Pronounced Harra'gut, but not spelt like that to avoid confusing the inhabitants of Darlington (not pronounced Darling Town for reasons obvious to anyone who has been there). Harrogate is noted for its sulphurous waters, expensive tea, cheese shops, and William Hague (Pillock), Harrogate is quoted as proof of the existence of heaven by most Tykes.

Harrogate has the least number of Woodbine smokers per head of population in Yorkshire, making it sophisticated and hence the Yorkshire equivalent of Edinburgh.

York

Viewed with suspicion by most Tykes on the grounds that they have almost no heavy industry, except lifting money from Americans. York instead has the famous York Minster, which God uses for target practice. York claims that it lent its name to the county and everybody else claims they nicked it from the county. No-one outside of Yorkshire gives a shit.

Due to an aberrant micro-economy of serving tourists and gambling, most Yorkists develop U.T.S (utter tosser syndrome) by the age of around 13. Symptoms include thinking York is better than, say, London or Tokyo. Unfortunately, developing U.T.S. means you cannot leave York and you eventually die in your 2.5 L Vauxhall Omega from smugness.

Yorkists have a fierce dislike of Scotsmen, and love nothing more than to shoot at them with longbows from the safety of their City walls (which they commonly call the "Bar Walls", in order to fleece alcoholic American tourists into visiting them.)

Halifax

By far the most beautiful place in Gods county with its huge diverese species of chavs and emos to choose from it is impossible to go wrong in Halifax.

Geography

Yorkshire Terrier is also a popular delicacy

Yorkshire is the largest county of England and stretches from Wales all the way to the North Sea, or, according to some interpretations, from Toronto to Vladivostok. It also has substantial underground tracts. On top is Manchester, Liverpool, and Newcastle, and to the south is The South. The highest point of Yorkshire is when you leave. tis up yonder

Yorkshire is home to one of the world's most feared predators, the Yorkshire terrier.

Economy

The currency of Yorkshire is the Yorkie bar which is fixed at an exchange rate of 1 bar per punch on the nose. The economy is diverse, with exports including beer, tea, heartwarming films about middle-aged people taking their clothes off, yorkshrie puddings and Sean Bean. However, "The Great Yorky Rush" of 1998 has left them short of supplies over the past decade. This rush started when, the workers who mine the puddings from disused coal mines went on strike. Reacting in a typical british way, the yorkshire folk went into a state of shock and robbed every shop of their yorkies within 100 miles. Not one survived. As the miners went back to work, after getting their desired shilling wage raise, the president of Lancashire ordered his soldiers to destroy said mines, claiming that the puddings originated in lancashire and were stolen by Gavin Phillip Yorkshireman in the early 16th century. Production has not returned ot its former glory.