User:FoxyBabe/PMS

A brave man in early researches of women hysteria. As we can see, beside the fact that the subject has no uterus, it still suffers from PMS. And it is raging.

Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) (also called Premenstrual Stress or Premenstrual Tension) is a collection of physical, psychological and emotional symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle, or to the Apocalypse signs. While most women have some normal premenstrual symptoms, women with PMS have symptoms of "sufficient severity to interfere with some aspects of life" as the specialists like to call: "she might kill someone" Those symptoms are quite inexplicable, and may vary from case to case. Ahn, excuse me madam, who are you? How did you get in here?

Hey you, excuse ME! Are you a real doctor? So you might know: Do I look fat today? I fell fat here, in my abs. So flabby. As if guys were looking at me at all... They are not. When they do is just to throw some macho comment about my ass. Wich is also fat. You men feel good when doing it don't you? I hate you all.

Ahn, okay lady, calm down. You look just fine to me. A little irritated. I think you are suffering with PMS. Am I correct? Is your period coming?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Look at me! God, you are senseless.

Hey, you don't have to scream at me.

I AM NOT SCREAMING!

O-o-okie dookie...You are not. I'll just keep here behind this table here, explaining the subject, and you stay there on the other side of the room. Here, read this Cosmo magazine, sit on that comfy chair. Now, let’s continue to through first topic, taking advantage from the fact that we have a female specimen here that is suffering (and making everybody else suffers too) with PMS:

Symptoms

PMS is a collection 150 separate symptoms that have already been identified by some really brave psychiatrists and physicists. The exact symptoms and how severe they are vary from succubus women to succubus women and from month to month. Most women with premenstrual syndrome experience only a few of the problems. Some, for the mankind doom, may experience all in once. The most common symptoms are:

• Weight gain and Bloating on the abdomen area:

See this thing here falling from my hips? This is hard lard. I can't close my pants! All I want is to be gorgeous. I must learn to accept my body as it is, I think... Those things I saw at that Dove commercial. But those girls were fat, damn it! Fat, fat, FAT. I'll have a salad for lunch today. Just a tomato maybe, with no salt.

• Breast tenderness:

God, this bra is killing me. The whole day having my tits pressed inside this little lace torture chamber. Like meat on a vacuum pack. It hurts even when I walk. If Peter touches them again today like he did last night I swear I'll break his arms. And legs. And penis.

• Stress or anxiety:

Shh, shh, shheesh. Keep it down people! I'm trying to read this magazine here okay? So shut-the-fuck-up. Shut it! SHUT IT!

• Depression:

Hello Jessica, it's me. I called you a few minutes ago, you didn't pick up. Yeah, I'm fine. Well not quite. See, Peter has been weird with me last couple of weeks. I just don't feel loved. He doesn't do anything romantic. He just seats on the couch and watch reruns of "Cheers" on the telly. Never says sweet things, you know what I mean? He just cuddles me as he does with the dog. I feel like a dog. Oh, I'm fat Jessica, my hair looks disgusting. He doesn't feel attracted anymore! The prick must be seeing someone else, I'm sure. Oh... I need some Oreos and Nutella. Fatter but happier, right? I'll buy some at the AM/PM, be right back. Can I call you later? I need your support Jessica, remember, last week you were in pieces, and I was one that helped you

• Crying spells:

Oh, I shouldn't have eaten those Oreos with Nutella. I'm bloated, godammit! I can't wear anything. I'm not sexy, not even if I try, I’m fat! Oh...those tears in my eyes, why they keep on falling? Oh my mom was right, she was right all the time! Peter is ruining my life! I'll call that useless piece of garbage and give him a piece of my mind!

• Mood swings, irritability or anger:

Peter? PETEEEEER! Answer me!

Peter? PETER? Where the hell are you? What is this noise? What? You are working, okay, so you don't want to talk with me? Is that it? IS THAT? You are so rude to me Peter. Why do you keep doing this to me? Just get the hell out of my life. I don't know why I even care about you. I shouldn't have called. I JUST WANTED TO SAY I MISSED YOU THAT'S ALL. But you are as sensible as a dead putrefied horse. Do I deserve this? Do I? Shut the fuck up Peter, go to hell.

• Appetite Changing or food carvings:

I'm so glad I bought TWO packs of Oreos!

• Insomnia:

I am soooooo not sleeping. I read somewhere that sleeping can make you fat.

• Trouble Concentrating:

I was putting some lipstick and accidentally brushed mascara on my lips. And lipstick on my eyes. Do you have a Kleenex?

Diagnosis

There are no unique physical findings to verify the diagnosis of PMS. To establish a pattern, I will use this machine here, which reads the emotional response of the patient by analyzing its pupils. I'll ask a few questions, and be able to tell if this lady here is suffering with intense PMS or just trying to slaughter people for no apparent reason.

-Miss?

-Yeah?

- Well, could you please look here and answer some questions?

- Is this some kind of treatment or something?

- No, I'm just trying to understand your abusive stress and anger.

-Will this make me thinner?

- Ahnm... Er...Yeah, sure!

-Mmmkay then

- You are in a desert...

-Which desert?

-It makes no difference. You are there, the sun is hot, you see a tortoise...

-Tortoise? Isn't that indie band?

- Oh I'm sorry, wrong questions! I must have mixed up the "abnormals" test files. Here they are, the PMS files. Let's start again. So, you are in the beauty salon. The girl that is doing your nails pulls a cuticle, and it hurts you. What do you do?

-'Well, first I will call her incompetent, because that's what she is. Then, I tell her "No bitch, I won't pay your tip, so tonight you WON'T go to the bingo spend your useless brains marking numbers!". Just that.

- Your boyfriend calls you. He says that tonight he is going to the pub with the guys to watch a football game.

-Haha. Easy. I'll just burn down his Led Zeppelin vinyl collection, give laxatives to his dog and put the animal to spend the night in his room, with the door closed.

- Oh.

Treatment

Due the bizarre nature of the symptoms development, treatment consists in handling the patient with care. First, move away all kinds of piercing objects from the patient's reach. Mirrors and reflective surfaces really seem to bother the PMS victims, so avoid those as well. Candy, chocolates, snacks and junk food calms them down for a while, as long as they are eating. After that, the patient starts screaming and throwing the chocolates at you (thankfully you already took the piercing objects away). Remember to always stay two feet away from the patient, even if she is bursting in tears. The mood changes are so frequent that you may be hugging her and seconds later she will be strangling you. If you need to touch her to call for attention, just poke the patient with a long stick and step back. Don't look directly into the patient's stomach or behind areas. She will ask you insane questions about her body, and again, throw things at you, no matter what your answer is. By taking those measures can you can be able to get along with a PMS patient without breaking a arm, loosing some teeth or even getting killed.