User:Falcotron/Fountain of Early Middle Age

The Fountain of Early Middle Age is a lesser-known spring, similar to the Fountain of Youth, except that it restores those who drink of its waters to the mid-30s, rather than the late teens.

History

While the familiar story of the Fountain of Early Middle Age starts much more recently, the mythology goes back to early Arabic legends. The sage Al-Khidr, who also appears in the Qur'an, after searching the eastern reaches of Dar al-Islam in vain for the "Water of Life" to restore his youth, turned to the southern reaches to find the "Water of Foreign Sports Cars and Combovers" to at least restore some vague semblance of it.

This story spread through the west through the Moorish conquest of Spain, and the American explorers carried the search to the New World. While Ponce de Leon searched the inland swamps of Florida for the Fountain of Youth, his elder brother Nancyboy, fearful of his approaching 40th birthday, cruised what are now the streets of Miami looking the lesser fountain--or, failing that, high-end wig shops, Porsche dealerships, all-girl high schools, and other ways of preserving what was left of his youth.

Like his brother, Nancyboy was unsuccessful in his search. In despair, he ended up leaving his wife, moving into a condo in a hip downtown neighborhood, wearing jewelry, and taking up with a 24-year-old aspiring actress, before committing suicide when she left him for a Hollywood executive.

Discovery

The Fountain of Early Middle Age was not discovered until 1981, by Hans Holzel, later known as Austrian rocker Falco, on vacation in the Dominican Republic. Holzel, at the time only 24 years old, immediately turned 34. His punk rock outfit was transformed into a suit, his blue mohawk became a brown slick-job, and he gained the ability to leer with charming sophistication.

The Fountain remained a closely-guarded secret, and Falco supposedly took its location to his grave. However, other famous performers are suspected to have been let in on its location, and some appear to be continuing to use it today.

Suspected Users of the Fountain

• Luke Perry
• TODO: add some funny

Related Discoveries

• The Fountain of Youth, discovered by David Copperfield in 2006.
• The Fountain of Late Middle Age, discovered by Dick Clark in 1966.
• The Fountain of Venerability, discovered by George Burns in 1939.