User:Empy

Somebody has awarded you a cookie! Now go play in traffic.

“Empy has to be the most annoying person I've ever met.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Empy

“Stop talking to yourself, people will think you are crazy. Stop talking to yourself, people will think you are crazy. Stop talking to yourself, people will think you are crazy. Stop talking to yourself, people will think you are crazy. Stop talking to yourself, people will think you are crazy. Stop talking to yourself, people will think you are crazy.”

~ Empy on Empy

Early Life

The origin of Empy dates back to the May 29th, 1991 Issue of Time Magazine, in which he teamed up with every actor to ever play Batman in an effort to stop the Antichrist from consuming the world. It was part 2 of a 6-issue storyline.

Childhood

As a child, Empy spent most of his time staring at a box that made moving pictures. According to legend the illuminated box of images was a device called the Television, which is said to be a primitive version of Youtube.

His passtimes included chasing frogs, playing his Genesis, and dancing around while singing childish limericks.

Teen Years

Empy is currently in his teen years, which are full of pubescent deliciousness.

Adulthood

Recently several time-travelling journalists travelled to the year 2024 to interview future Empy about his adult years. They're scheduled to return when he finishes showing them how fast he can count to infinity.

Death

Empy has died over 3000 times, but he continues to live on thanks to his own personal Jesus, which revives him from death. (Well, he has quite a few other methods, but they're all impossible to comprehend as he makes them up on the spot to piss off the DM, so the situation was best handled with an out of context song reference)

A Canadian named Riley has been keeping track of every one of Empy's death by chiseling a mark into his basement wall. When contacted, Riley said "It's hard chiseling marks into dust."

Empy's most famous death is quite possibly the time upon which he devoured a time bomb, strapped himself to a plane, and crashed the plane into the side of the mountain. At that precise moment the bomb went off, carving the faces of 4 US presidents into the side, as well as a 4 feet high sculpture of Salvador Dali's "The Persistence of Memory", which landed on top Abraham Lincoln's head. The sculpture is not seen in any picture of this mythical mountain.

Accomplishments

Empy has done far more than you ever will.

GAME STATS

GAME COMPLETION: 19.29%
ARTIFACTS: 46/290
COINS COLLECTED: 22305/302905
BABIES BEATEN: 10762
BITCHES SLAPPED: A deserving, yet modest amount.
TOTAL MILES ON FEET: œ˜∆¬˚√˜øç√ª£ERROR
TOTAL MILES ON HANDS: 4 km/h
TOTAL PENISES: 1

The Actual Accomplishments

• Completed 300 episodes of his cartoon, "Cuntflapper Lad".
• Built a mansion made of corpses.
• Managed to eat the corpse mansion in 49.32 Minutes, a world record.
• Wrote a 400-page novel about the color gray.
• Wrote a 319-page novel about the color grey.
• Attained Nirvana, but got bored with it and went back to Audioslave.
• Gave birth to Thraak-Dar the Horny, Fucker of planets.
• Ate a delicious plate of nachos.
• Fucked a fucking pirate.

Here's a little bonus room

Yeah, right here I'm going to put whatever article I may or may not be working on here, or just miscellaneous stuff that I need to find an article to put it in. I don't have anything here right now.

Article in the works

Thievery

Thievery is an ancient, honorable practice which began roughly between 300AD&D and 400AD&D

History

Historians have estimated the first theif was a level 6 Elf named Cordrell. After a long day of doing elf-like things, he must have noticed that the Orc nearby him had more money than he did. Cordrell then shouted "Giveth me thine currency, ye filthly orc!" and took the orc's coin purse. The orc clubbed Cordrell on the skull until he was dead.

The act of thievery improved over the years when theives took notice the large number of people helping cleanse the gene pool with bold acts of stupidity and decided that stealth was far more effective than trying to run faster than everyone else.

By 600AD&D, the skill was, for the most part, perfected. Tactics which still stand today, such as night vision and being really god damn tall, were commonplace among thieves of this time.

In 1300[[Dungeons and Dragons|AD&D], rogues began to mingle with thieves.

In 1311[[Dungeons and Dragons|AD&D], the thieves' guild had a spat with the rogue's guild over similarity. The end decisions were as follows: Thieves were allowed to continue shaving their beards clean, while rogues were required to keep a thin layer of stubble.

In 1726AD&D, the white man disallowed dwarves from becoming theives. Nobody complained as the dwarves were busy mining and getting drunk at the time of the announcement.

Skills

A thieves' starting skills are as follows:

Strength: 4 Perception: 7 Endurance: 4 Charisma: 7 Intelligence: 5 Agility: 10 Lucky: 8

They begin with the ability to steal money, but as time goes on, they advance in ranks. The King of Bandits can steal everything, even your life.