User:Doovad/Bass

So the bass, "bass-ically" is a weak excuse to do nothing for a band and still get to play with them. Bassists are some of the most annoying people you will probably ever meet. They have little to no talent, never show up to practice, and don't even bother to play well at gigs. Thats all bassists do. They suck. That is all you need to know. Go away.

Okay, Did They Leave?

Phew, that was a close one. I could tell by the way that person read the article that he was a guitarist, or a drummer or something. So, fellow bassists, or bassist hopefuls, you are about to embark on a quest that, with little or no work, will allow you to have lots of money and lots of women.

The Real Story

Any seasoned bassist will know what it takes to be a bassist. I takes a lot of skill. And I don't mean musical skill. I mean the skills that allow you to lie your ass off for very, very long periods of time. Every band needs a bassist. They keep the beat, usually have their awesome little moments, and are, to put it mildly, necessary. However, the whole "Bassists are just lazy goof-offs" is a misconception that has been around since the beginning of time.

Charlie Chaplin enjoying a little walk down Easy Street. See how carefree he is? That is what bassists want.

History of the Conspiracy

A really, really, really, really looooooong time ago, probably around 1930, the electric bass was invented. It sounded nice, was easier to carry around than those big old wooden jobs, and was easier to play than the guitar. People liked the sound of it. People began to place pressure on the bassists to play really well, everywhere they went. Everywhere you go, if you were carry an electric bass, people expected a song. It was totally ridiculous. Soon, many popular bassists cracked under the pressure. They went into hiding. They would never go anywhere with the bass. They refused to practice in case a wandering passer-by somehow heard them playing. They would appear to play shows and that was it. Because of this, they steadily became worse and worse bas players, and the other band members were forced to write very, very simple parts that the bassists could learn in a few seconds. Soon, people forgot how good bassists were. The idea that "every bassist is a shitty slacker" became common knowledge. The next generation of popular bassists liked to keep it that way. Why?

Why

Because we wanted it that way. We wanted no one to take us seriously. I mean, think about it, man! You never had to "practice", or do "work". You just needed to know how to play a walking bass line. Any retard can do that. Seriously. This kept our work load to a minimum and our chick-intake to a maximum. We were on Easy Street, if Easy Street had four strings and an ongoing parade of groupies, 24/7. Being a bassist is one of the easiest way to enjoy life. Seriously, man.

Basic Schedule

This is what I do, every single day, and I make 5 figures playing bass for a crappy indie band. I don't even like the music that we play, but, whatever, man!

This is what your evening should look like. Every night.

• 8 AM: Be asleep
• 8 AM - 10 AM: Continue to be asleep.
• 10:30 AM: Wake up. Have breakfast. Maybe a cup of coffee, if you have enough money to buy some at Starbucks. Hopefully you didn't spend all of it on crack.
• 11:30 AM: Band practice begins. DO NOT GO One of my favorite times of the day is not going to band practice. This is usually when I buy my coffee. On my way to not-band practice.
• 1:30 PM: Go to a museum. Despite appearances, we bassists pride ourselves on being intellectual, competent, aware people. The only downside is that we can't express this, ever. Then we would have to do work. Pssh.
• 3:00 PM: Band Practice is over. When of the saddest moments of the day. When you realize that the band practice you have been avoiding is over. You no longer have an adrenaline rush. Oh well, though.
• 4:30 PM: Band prepares for a gig. DO NOT PREPARE FOR A GIG This is a rookie mistake. Preparing for a gig will actually make you sound good. That means more highlighting the bass. That means more parts. And that means more practice. Not my cup o' joe.
• 6:00 PM: The gig. Show up finally. Maybe be fashionably late, like 1 or 2 hours late. This always gets the fans excited. Hell, the mosh pit will have probably already started before you even take the stage. This strategy seems to work very well for Guns N' Roses.
• 8:30 PM: Gig is over. Not much to say here. Just go backstage, get your drugs and prepare for what comes next...
• 9:00 PM to 1:00 AM: Sex. 'Nuff said.

Then you repeat the process the next day.

The Exceptions

What an ass.

Now, I know what you are thinking. There are popular bassists who are actually good, and probably make more money than you. Well, think about it. No bassist is popular because they are good. Take Roger Waters for instance. He is probably one of the most recognizable bassists around. Well, why? It's because he is also one of the most recognizable douchebags around. He is only popular because he is SUCH a DICK. What about the Red Hot Chili Peppers, you say? No. Just no. They aren't good, alright? Get over it. There is one person who is actually a good bassist. His name is Jaques Praestorius (or something like that). He is actually a good bassist. But a grand total of about 3 people who read this article will actually know who he is. And he IS a real person. Don't bother looking for him on Google; you will misspell his name. Every time.

In Conclusion

Bass is pretty much the best instrument ever invented, ever. If you know how to exploit your position as bassist in your band, then you should be set for the rest of your life. Well, money wise at least. And sex wise. So really. What else do you need to be happy?