User:Digi/Vatican Nominates Satan for Beatification
Vatican Accidently Nominates Satan for Beatification[edit | edit source]
“Oh... Fuck!”
It was confirmed today by UnNews religious affairs correspondent Kurt Cobain that the Vatican has submitted Lucifer 'Ball Tickler' Beelzebub for Sainthood due to a clerical error in the Vatican Beatification Board. The Pope was unavailable for comment but sources close to her say he seems little bothered by the news. An official spokesman within the Vatican however said:
“It is true that last Wednesday we recieved a form officially nominating the Devil for Sainthood from the Beatification Board, along with about seven letters of recommendation from people of outstanding repute in their community. Whilst it seems that this is an error on the part of the Beatification Board, we nonetheless feel that we should give the absolute enemy of God the same level of scrutiny that we give to other nominated for sainthood.”
When asked whether the Pope will make a statement on the matter, the spokesman suddenly morphed into a blue whale. At this point several Vatican security personnel came up and removed the spokesman from the podium. There then came a much inferior spokesman to replace him. When the question of a possible statement by the Pope was again raised this spokesman now drew out his penis from his robe and sat on the floor pulling his head as close to his groin as he could. Then over the course of several minutes he drew his mouth closer to his phallus until his lips made contact with the shaft. He then performed a brief session of auto-fellatio, in which he repeatedly convulsed and affirmed that it was his first successful self-mouth-cock contact. He quickly ejaculated upon himself, uttering only "Sic semper tyrannis", for some reason.