User:DiZ/Apecat
Lo; welcome Pilgrim-Brother, to the Inner Sanctum. If thou have found thyself wandering amongst these long-forgotten Ruins, then thou knoweth all ready of the Splendor which is Apecat; a Creature of such unbridled Power, He alone sent the Gods to Their eternal Ruin; a Beast of such unequivocal Might that His Gaze alone destroys whole Villages, shifts the Heavens, and driveth full grown Men to their Knees. Few are those who yet hold the true Secret of Apecat, and fewer they who choose to divulge His greatest Mysteries. But it is within these ancient Halls that these Secrets may be uncovered. And it is within these Halls that the true Meaning of all that ever existed shall come to Light. This place...This most Holy and Empyreal Place...
This is the Netherhall of Apecat.
The Legend of Apecat[edit | edit source]
The Story of Apecat can be traced back Thousands of Years, to the first great Civilization of the World. Every Culture has its own Interpretation of this Great and Clandestine Beast. The Stories surrounding Apecat are as numerous as the many Religions centered around Him. But like many Tales, His was one warped and altered through the Course of many Years, and many Generations, and so no longer bears Truth. But many Philosophers have taken to piecing together key Elements from these Stories, in Order to bring about a true Picture of His Greatness's Past, and this is what they believe are the true Origins of Apecat:
- When the world was young and void of life, the great wyrm Ouroboros forged from the emptiness of space nine great beings to guide the Cosmos. These entities were later dubbed the Seraphim, and unto them was conferred insurmountable authority. For æons, the Seraphim created worlds and destroyed worlds without consequence. But when the Universe was still young and virgin, time and space were on equal planes, one traversable as the other. To put it in other words, any being who could travel through space could just as easily travel through the annals of time.
- Seeing the folly of this, the Seraphim forged another being, a mighty behemoth named Apecat. And Apecat was charged with guarding the Halls of Time, so as no entity - human, Seraph, or otherwise - could traverse time. But Apecat soon grew jealous of the Seraphim's power, and plotted to take their authority. When the time came, Apecat broke his bonds from the Halls of Time and challenged the Seraphim. A mighty battle ensued, whereupon Apecat was defeated. And in His anger, Ouroboros cast the Seraphim to the bowels of hell for their foolishness, where they became archdæmons; and He rent the spirit of Apecat from His very body. And finally, Ouroboros did crush the Halls of Time once and for all.
- Abandonned and weakened, Apecat wandered the Earth in search of power. He met and shaped many cultures, from the ancient Egyptians, who built collosal pyramids and sculptures in His honor; to the founding fathers of America, who adorned the currency and architecture of the country with the His symbols.
- Until the fateful day Apecat was walking in a Persian bazaar, and met a most eldritch gentleman who whispered of dark and dangerous secrets. Before He knew it, the man had locked Apecat's soul in a magical tome. As it happens, through a series of unaccountable and unlikely events, mostly the amalgamation of misfortune and happenstance, the tome ended up in the hands of a Finnish explorer and his wife, who took to studying the ancient grimoire. But in the couple's haste, they did unlock the beast within.
- Apecat emerged from the pages of that tome, bound for centuries, a being of unlimited potential. His passion and fury never being greater, He set out to reclaim His former might and rage a war against the Cosmos themselves. But instead, He decided to stay in Finland and smoke some chronic.
Will Apecat's true Destiny come to Fruition? Perhaps so, perhaps not. Either way, there is something to be said for this mighty Entity who doth call Himself Apecat. Perhaps if we are lucky, He shall cross over to our Side and protect us. Just as easily as He might destroy us all. It is the Answer to a Question Man is not meant to ask, nor meant to know.
And what of the Halls of Time? Well, you walk them now as we speak.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
“The only thing we have to fear, is Apecat.”
“Luke, Apecat is your father.”
“Sweet.”
“Apecat is the path to the dark side. Apecat leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. I sense much Apecat in you.”
“I've done it before, and I will do it again. I will fucking kill Apecat.”
“Give me liberty or, even better, give me Apecat.”
“I did not have sexual relations with Apecat. But I would have liked to.”
“I'd tap dat.”
“Did you think to kill me? There's no flesh or blood within this cloak to kill. There's only Apecat. And Apecat is bullet-proof!”
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Apecat art with me; His rod and His staff they comfort me.”
“I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little Apecat.”
“You have to be the Apecat you want to see in the world.”
“Apecat is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration. And one-hundred percent awesomeness.”
“An appeaser is one who feeds Apecat, hoping He will smite them last.”
“What the superior man seeks is Apecat; what the small man seeks, is also Apecat.”
“Apecat is dead.”
“Heh, just kidding. He's still smoking chronic in Finland.”
“Early to bed and early to rise makes a man more like Apecat.”
“I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met this one Apecat. We ate lobster, drank Piña Coladas. At sunset we made love like two greased monkeys. That was a pretty good day.”
“You can't conquer an idea with an army. But you can conquer it with Apecat.”
“He's that guy on the couch in the movie Half-Baked.”
They really don't.
I'd tap that.
