User:Bp2611/Why?:Blame Wikia

Dear <insert name here>, we have acquired your IP address.

We will find you and we will throw you in our septic tank full of rebel scum like you.
Sincerely, Wikia.

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There's no reason not to, really.

Unless you are mentally challenged, you should be able to know what plague Wikia spreads. Wikia is guilty for a lot of bullshit the average Uncyclopedian has to suffer on a daily basis. Wikia's servers control spacetime, which allows complete manipulation of its unlucky victims, and unfortunately, our beloved Uncyclopedia is one of them. Every time Uncyclopedians try to write a decent article and they mention some pussies (but mainly for aesthetic purposes), they put a big-ass content warning, and if you try to bitch about it on IRC, Wikia will let you taste its omnipotent banhammer, rippling through cyberspace and giving you a permanent +10 bonus to your rage stat.

• So you think your girlfriend dumped you because she found another guy, or maybe you look like a truck? No, BLAME WIKIA! Wikia will always find a way to fuck you over, even when you least expect it, or when you fully expect it.
• Have a bad case of the shits? Wonder what's messing with you? Maybe it was the taco, or maybe that chili con carne? Nope, BLAME WIKIA!
• You are a lonely person because nobody gives a shit about your birthday party? Maybe they are jealous, of maybe they forgot? Of course not, BLAME WIKIA!
• Your cattle prod ain't working? Can't keep those your pesky rednecks off your wife? BLAME WIKIA!

Wikia, master of reverse psychology

“zomg there must be dicks in here!!one!11!”

~ 5-year-old after noticing the content warning

Let's begin with the content warning, Wikia screwed all of us with that one. Think of it this way: You are babysitting a 5 year old kid. Before they go out, the kid's parents warn you that Billy gets hyperactive when he consumes vast quantities of sugar. Then they show you the exact location of the sugary treats. Billy's parents leave the house, and you are on your own. Then you go to Billy and tell him: "Hey, mommy and daddy told me that you mustn't eat the candy that's in that box over there, ok?" And what's Billy going to do? Disobey you. He is going to eat all of the candy, strap you to a chair and sodomise you. And the worst part? You won't get paid. Wikia did the same thing. They put the content warning, thinking that they would save the young minds from getting corrupted.

Actually, that's what they want you to think. They know that when a child is given the opportunity to choose between pr0n and Dora the Explorer, it will choose pr0n 99% of the time (Unless it finds some Dora-porn combo, which doubles the win.) The reason why Uncyclopedia is better off without the content warning is because such childish articles are never featured articles (Unless the users tho vote at VFH get horny all of a sudden.), and the boring design which resembles Wikipedia usually repels unwanted visitors.

Wikia's servers

Have a seizure? Blame Wikia!

Wikia is a company famous for its slave powered, high-latency servers. Thanks to the recent discovery made by UnLeaks, we have discovered a lot of useful information which explains why they do not care about you, the average user. Our 1337 hax0r team utilised Google Maps state of the art GPS technology to pinpoint the exact location of Wikia's servers, which is somewhere in North Africa. How did Jimmy Wales acquire sophisticated computers? He didn't. He just used lots of Nintendo 64 consoles with overclocked processors which he won in a Starcraft II tournament after singlehandedly defeating a young and very talented Korean player. After the shameful defeat, the boy suicided to keep his family's honor. The prize for 1st place was 30.000$ but for some strange reason, the hosts didn't have the money at that moment. Unfortunately, our hero Jimmy lost his passport after a wild night with a lovely Thai lady.

Stuck in Thailand, he became desperate and sold a kidney and a testicle in order to get transported to Africa. However, the Sahara isn't the best place to put overheating CPUs in. That's why Jimmy implemented the most advanced cooling methods. How did he cool the hot consoles? Here's the trick: He didn't. That's why he doesn't have them anymore. These days, Wikia's servers are powered by slaves running in giant hamster wheels. A recent project which involved slaves producing static electricity whilst running in hamster balls has been scrapped because of the lack of oxygen inside the balls and of course, the very high temperatures. (Slaves don't grow on trees, you know.)

Wikia's guerilla marketing

Flashy, annoying ads are Wikia's main source of income. They are known for their ability to trigger seizures in people who haven't even been diagnosed with epilepsy. Because of this, Wikia and all other sites it hosts are declared shock sites by a rather sizable amount of people. The way Wikia uses the sites it controls resembles prostitution. Wikia sells our beautiful bodies pages, puts ads on them, and forces us to have unprotected sex with strangers. Wikia's the pimp, we're the bitches. Anyone who is against Wikia will be harassed by horny goats.

Apart from the flashy ads, Wikia also has "static" ads which tell you to visit lots and lots of other shitty websites hosted by Wikia, like the Baby Names wiki, which helps you pick a name for your nonexistent child. There is also the Parenting wiki, which helps you look after your nonexistent child. The Home wiki helps you improve the design of your home.

95% of the money Wikia earns through ads will be used to buy back Jimmy's right kidney and his left nut. The other 4.9% goes to the "World domination" fund. The remainder (0.1%) of the money is used to feed the slaves. Unfortunately, there are no coins with a smaller value than the penny at this moment, which means that the slaves do not get fed at all.

I have OCD and I see no pattern here.