User:Bizzeebeever/Articles/UnNews:UnNews vandals destroy Uncyclopedia

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 September 2011

Crow chief Stands With A Headache contemplates you, the reader, with contempt. What are you reading this for? he asks. You could be doing something better with your time, like repaying the Crow nation for the crimes your white ancestors committed against them. By gambling at the Apsaalooke Nights Casino! We've got video Keno and poker!

UNNEWS, Uncyclopedia (The Internet) -- In a massive meme fight which no one bothered to pay attention to until it was too late, two psychotic neurotic narcissists utterly destroyed the once-proud institution known as Uncyclopedia.

"I banned them both for eternity!" said Uncyclopedia nanny Lyrithya, with tears in her eyes. "But their actions had already set in motion a horrible, horrible doom for us all, just like building that suburb on top of an Indian burial ground in the movie Poltergeist caused a hell-mouth to open. Oh, God. *shifty eyes*"

The two vandals, who had been writing a rapidly-devolving series of articles incorporating the motif of a talking polar bear, apparently became so inane that their stupidity-streams crossed, tearing a crack in the Uncyclopedia space-time continuum. Suddenly, every Uncyclopedia article became commingled with its Encyclopedia Dramatica version. The entire Lovecraftian horror was quickly destroyed by a nuclear-armed United Nations hit squad.

The cheeky monkeys, known as Izbeenoneweek and Bizzeebeever, are believed to be recovering from their wounds somewhere in their respective mothers' basements; however, the future looks far from rosy for either of them. Various current and past Uncyclopedians, ranging from SPIKE to TheHumbucker to Zombiebaron, are said to be pissed to the point of wanting to track the two pranksters down and kill them with an iron-bound physical copy of HTBFANJS.

"I'm coming back to the charred remains of Uncyclopedia, just to kill these fuckers," said Dr. Skullthumper. "Oh, by the way, hi, Lyrithya."

Goodbye, Uncyclopedia. You will be missed.

Sources

• Some Guy "In Soviet Encyclopedia Dramatica, article read YOU!" UnNews, September 8, 2011

• Hadeel Al-Shalchi, Rami Al-Shaheibi "In new audio, Gadhafi denies rumor he fled Libya" Associated Press, September 8, 2011

• The Drudge Report "Award-Winning UnNews Journalist Found Dead" UnNews, September 8, 2011

• The Onion "Bloodbath Resembles Worcester Ammunitions Explosion of 1775" UnNews, April 2, 2008

• Reuters "Polar Bear impersonates American author, seen with Gaddafi" UnNews, September 7, 2011

• Emma Farge and Abdoulaye Massalatchi "Gaddafi tracked headed south: Libyan official" Reuters, September 7, 2011

• The Drudge Report "UnNews:Renowned polar bear hijacks some nukes and holds the world for ransom" UnNews, September 7, 2011

• Village Voice "UnNews:Arsonists Destroy Home of Bear-Rights Activist" UnNews, September 6, 2011

• Fox News.com "UnNews:Statements by Ursine-American Professor Ignite Controversy" UnNews, September 6, 2011

• Associated Press "UnNews:Polar Bear Chastises 2011 Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Champion" UnNews, September 4, 2011

• Hollywood Reporter "UnNews:Alaska woman wins 2011 International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship" UnNews, September 4, 2011

• Reuters "Alaska woman wins International Punching-A-Bear-In-The-Face Championship" Yahoo! News, August 31, 2011