User:Belle Delphine/Carlos El Cansado
Carlos "El Cansado" Was and is an apostle of Jesus currently in hiding from persecution by The Roman Empire and also the pope or maybe it was pepe. Born in an unknown country around The Pacific Ocean and later raised by a band of Chilean pirates called the "Juan Carlos Gang", Carlos was destined for a less than idle life. He also might actually be Mexican, but we honestly don't know; because the oracle is too much of a pussy, they refuse to admit that they don't actually possess the power to obtain this information.
He is the half-sister of Saint Procopius.
Inception & Early Years[edit | edit source]
In a better world, he could've done many honorable things, but Carlos had his sights aimed for blood and terror — in his seventh month of gestation, he tore out of his mother's womb and killed everyone inside the hospital with a flick of his finger; This event was known as The Great Wrath. It is suspected that he might have some kind of magical powers.
He was born just once, but went through an extensive pupation period when he was nigh 28 years of age. This was painful for him.
Meeting Jesus[edit | edit source]
During an expedition to Antarctica, Carlos stumbled upon a strange man dressed only in a loincloth despite the temperature being 70* below freezing. The man introduced himself as Jesus and proceeded told Carlos that he had travelled there to appoint him as the 13th Apostle. Carlos—naturally flabbergasted by such an outrageous statement and proposition—flew into a psychotic rage and nose-dived straight into the several km thick ice covering the stretches of ground around him. Carlos's boring eventually led him to a halt at a depth of about 690 m, but he didn't know this. As the ice gave away it revealed what in Carlos own words appeared to be the ark of the chicken nuggets. As his soles were known for seeping an acidic substance, it is well believed that, for the next couple of months after this, Carlos trod around the underground — making one huge maze of lanky ice tunnels which scientists would later mistake for crevasses. Meanwhile, his diet—as recounted in Book of Revelations2—consisted solely of these holy nuggies provided to him by God. These events later gave Carlos the nickname "The Forgotten Apostle". He's barely even mentioned in the Bible despite the positive magnitude of his contributions to among other things founding several McDonald's, supplied by his nugget generator.
Controversy regarding his beliefs and lifestyle[edit | edit source]
Carlos was very respected among his elders and followers due to his kind heart and demeanor. He even attended the Crucifixion of his old master to try and prevent it. Though the negotiations were short. Despite all this, there were a lot of people who held and still hold grudges against him to this very day for some of the things he did. A couple of examples in no particular order include; Praying on tall girls because he fetishized them, claiming he is god, impersonating lil peep and bullying his students for the ability of speech. (Carlos´s speech level is reportedly 101 which means he is using CheatEngine)
Death and Resurrection[edit | edit source]
“And when the tomb was opened on the fourth day, inside lay only an empty bag of doritos ..”
Ca 33 AD Carlos was tried and sentenced to death along with his teacher and mentor, Jesus Christ. For several years Carlos along with the help of several men and women including among others; Bob The Builder, Peppa Pig and of course Jesus himself. The work they did and preached for the community was seen as blasphemous and mocking of their leader so they did what every government does; silence those who speak against them. Carlos had been taking his daily siesta (because he's Mexican) when the roman legion led by Biggus Dickus stormed into his secret anime club and took him as a captive on a long journey to Judea.
Later Years[edit | edit source]
In recent years the once brilliant mind of Carlos has dwindled and shrunk, his brain now the size of a raisin. He has developed many narcissistic tendencies including an ego with the mass of Jupiter and lately enslaved a gringo called Marco. Even stranger is Carlos declaring in 2020 to BE God himself, it is unknown when these delusions started taking form but rest assured Ezekiel and his donkey penis Is on the job.