User:Balmung
- You may be looking for some fat homeless man and not even know it!
“Uh, yeah. I freakin' rock.”
“I would totally bang that guy.”
“I really hate egomaniacal people.”
“Taquitos friggin' rule.”
“This user offically does not suck.”
“I am amazed by his hawtness.”
“I totally hate egomaniacal people who suck and wouldn't bang themselves thinking, "Wow, I freakin' rock", while eating taquitos which rule. Basically, I'd bang this guy, then listen to the lamentation of his women.”
The Life of Balmung[edit | edit source]
In his spare time, Balmung enjoys: punching small children, screaming at farm animals, throwing bricks at people at the mall, stealing other peoples children, petty crime, organized petty crime, entering strangers houses and destroying their ceiling fans, attempting to eat calenders, drop kicking peoples pets, watching cartoons and becoming enraged at the characters mishaps, and probably some other stuff.
Balmung's Childhood[edit | edit source]
Balmung was raised in a small apartment in Tiajuana, where his father forced him to drink water that was 60% salt. He then moved to Milwaukee when he was 12, where he got a job as a male prostitute. His job did not go so well, and he acquired several unwanted venereal diseases, rendering him useless for the job. He took up studies in forensic pathology at the University of Iowa, in Iowa. His only reason for studying forensic pathology was "Heh, I'm gonna get to cut up some dead people". He proceeded to become a forensic pathologist, but was fired, after he was found "trying to see how many bricks he could fit inside this dead fat guy". He exclaimed that he quit before he was fired, and then he retired, and moved to Russia.
Balmung's Teen Years[edit | edit source]
After retiring at the age of 14, and moving to Russia, he was asked by the Kremlin to work for them. He tried working for them, but because it was soviet Russia, the guns shot him. He gained the knowledge that Russian reversal is kind of old, and is rarely funny anymore, and he moved to Canada. Upon arriving in Canada he vomited several times, and immediately got on a plane back to the good ol' U.S. of A. He lived somewhere in the U.S. and sat at home watching TV a lot. Occasionaly he would edit articles on this website called Uncyclopedia.
Enter Jimmy, the Magical Seashell[edit | edit source]
Balmung recently stumbled upon some magic fire that he found in a jar at the park. Then he wen't home and realized that he had somehow lost his pants in his room. He accidentaly spilled the fire on the stuff in his room, and it burned everything, except the pants that he was looking for. He was totally amazed and happy, but then he wondered how he would get all of that stuff he burned back. Suddenly he heard a voice coming from under his bed. It said that its name was Jimmy, and that it could make all of his burned possesions alive again. Balmung was very happy, and used the combination of the fire and Jimmy's magic to his advantage. Then he heard about Iceland, the land made completely of ice, and decided he wanted to burn it. He went there , but was dissapointed, and angered, by the fact that Iceland, was in fact, not made of ice. He currently resides somewhere in Iceland, living a life of solitude with his friend Jimmy, the Magical Seashell. He still frequently edits Uncyclopedia
Some Other Stupid Crap[edit | edit source]
EVERYONE HATES YOU. THEY ONLY PRETEND TO LIKE YOU, AND THEY MAKE FUN OF YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE THE ROOM. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE A LONELY DEATH, AND NOBODY'S GONNA COME TO YOUR FUNERAL. YOU ARE PATHETIC, AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE WAS ALL A TOTAL WASTE. WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL YOURSELF AND DO THE WHOLE WORLD A FAVOR? WE DON'T NEED YOU. WE'D PROBABLY ACTUALLY BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU.
Personal Favorites[edit | edit source]
From the article Rammstein
- Cheeseburger Joe is just a random THING that follows the band around and would rather be a chocolate cake than a conscience. He is a cannibal. On the rare occasion that he has contact with the band, he continually screams "Please if you have any mercy at all you will kill me right now!". He is often seen with red fluids dripping out of him. (Conscience)
From the article Snuffleupagus
- While rare outside of Hawaii, Snuffleupagi can occasionally be found on inner city streets, often in the presence of large birds. Most often a snuffleupagi will remain hidden to all those around the bird, causing them to doubt its existence. They can be troublemakers, and can therefore get their bird friends into lots of touble when the bird tries to explain that it was a snuffleupagus, and not them who committed whatever ill deed. But don't worry, if you're molested, the grown-ups will believe you.
From the article Sesame Street
- Elmo's sexuality has always been in question. After his heterosexual fling with Helen Keller Elmo seems to have become homosexual or at least bisexual. He never again had a female sex partner after Keller and one of his most infamous sex partners after her was Ernie. Bert was furious.