User:Apollo1758/project21

Tom Brady is the current backup quarterback for the New England Patriots. He used to be the starting quarterback, but was injured as part of a conspiracy organized by Matt Cassel and all of the New England running backs. Oh well, it's not like anyone really liked him anyway. In celebration of Tom Brady's season ending injury, ESPN had a 6 hour special on the end of Tom Brady's career.

High school career

Tom Brady was the starting running back for his high school football team. Tom Brady gave up on playing quarterback because his crappy wide receivers dropped the ball even if he threw it right in their chests. Tom Brady was a great athlete, but did so poor academically he was held back for four years. Brady failed high school several times, but eventually graduated when he was 24 years old.

Tom Brady was frequently picked on in high school since he always wore the same shirt every day and talked in a funny British accent. Tom Brady had no friends, and didn't have a girlfriend. Tom Brady resorted to drug use for a period time to help him be less depressed, and had to go through electroshock therapy to end his addiction.

Baseball career

It is a little known fact that Tom Brady also played as a pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Tom Brady was drafted in 1999 by the Pirates, who were actually trying to draft all-star pitcher Barry Zito, but accidentally selected Brady. Tom Brady was traded to the San Francisco Giants, who in return gave the Pirates steroids. Tom Brady had a career ERA of 12.7 and batting average of 0.001.

College career

Tom Brady played college football for Michigan because California universities refused to accept him. Tom Brady failed horribly on the SATs, and Tom Brady was deemed too dumb to play in most of the universities he considered enrolling in. Tom Brady ended up going to Michigan State because his next best choice was playing football for the University of Alaska. Tom Brady didn't play in college football because he spent most of his time completing special ed courses, but in doing so, minimized his risk of suffering any more concussions.

NFL career

Tom Brady has had one of the most successful careers of any white guys in the NFL due to his sly ability to cheat on everything, from his wife to the Super Bowl.

Conspiracy to start out as the 4th string quarterback for the Patriots then become the backup within a year

Tom Brady was drafted #199 overall, and was expected to have a mediocre NFL career. The Patriots were split between drafting Tim Rattay or Brady, but chose him because of his handsomeness. John Friesz and Michael Bishop had higher roster spots than Tom Brady, and people weren't sure if he would survive the roster cuts at the end of training camp. Amazingly, Tom Brady wasn't cut from the team, and by the end of the year he was the next in line to be quarterback. Only one thing was stopping Tom Brady from being the starting quarterback, and that was his arch nemesis, Drew Bledsoe.

Conspiracy to knock Drew Bledsoe out for the season early in the season

Tom Brady knew that the only way he could gain the starting quarterback job was by disposing of the guy already in that position. The bombings of 9/11 occurred, but luckily for Tom Brady, he received a call from the CIA that he was going to play in the game next week, and the rest of the season thereafter, and was told not to tell anyone. The CIA didn't explain why or how, but Tom Brady prepared to be starting quarterback. He spent the next 5 nights memorizing the playbook and thinking of more conspiracies.

During Week 2 against the New York Jets, Tom Brady was getting impatient waiting for Drew Bledsoe to get knocked out of the game. Tom Brady was so sick of waiting, he was about to give Drew Bledsoe a season-ending injury himself, but didn't want to interrupt the CIA's plans. Finally, Drew Bledsoe was forced to leave the game after getting mauled by a huge Buffalo. It was later found Drew Bledsoe was also suffering from anthrax poisoning, and would miss the rest of the season as well. Tom Brady celebrated by holding a farewell party for Drew Bledsoe at his mansion.

Conspiracy for "Patriots" to win the Super Bowl in the same season 9/11 took place

A week after September 9, 2001, Tom Brady got a phone call from the CIA. An anonymous government official told Tom Brady that to raise the level of patriotism, the Patriots had to win the Super Bowl. In that phone call, Brady was assured the CIA would do whatever necessary to ensure the Patriots won the Super Bowl, even if it meant bribing the referees. The other 30 teams received phone calls saying they had to let the Patriots beat them, though had to look like they were playing hard to avoid suspicion of conspiracy. With the help of the CIA, the Patriots went 10-3 in Tom Brady's starts and won their division.

In the playoffs, the Patriots faced one of their toughest games of the season when they played the Oakland Raiders. The Raiders didn't receive the phone call telling them that they were supposed to let the Patriots blow them out by 40 points. The Patriots were down 13-3, and the CIA was in danger of their plot being foiled. The Director of Central Intelligence hastily sent out a call to referee Walt Coleman telling him if the Patriots won the game, he would receive a bribe of $100,000, and if the Patriots lost, he would be brutally murdered by Dick Cheney. Since the threat of Cheney murdering him was enough, Coleman did whatever he could to help the Patriots win, including making a series of controversial calls as well as serving as an extra blocker on the Patriots running plays.

The Patriots made it to the Super Bowl with the CIA's help, but with one more game to win, the Patriots still couldn't take any chances of losing. Head coach Bill Belichick sent a professional filming crew to tape the Rams' pre-Super Bowl practices. By doing this, the Patriots found out every single one of the Rams' offensive and defensive plays, and quickly relayed the Rams' defensive formations to Tom Brady. Unsurprisingly, Tom Brady did well in that game, since Brady called an audible every time he found out what coverage the defense was in, and the Patriots won the first Super Bowl of George W. Bush's candidacy.

Conspiracy to be one of the best quarterbacks in history even though he was drafted in the 6th round

Tom Brady spent the whole offseason studying film of opposing teams' practices, compiled by Bill Belichick's coaching crew during the last preseason. Patriots team officials traveled around in an RV across the country. They took a camera to take pictures of teams' signals, and matched them to their corresponding meanings using Harvard University computing software and game film.

The Patriots had another successful season after the United States declared war on Iraq, and George W. Bush recognized the importance of the Patriots doing well. The Patriots went to another Super Bowl. Because the Patriots realized they couldn't compete against the Carolina Panthers and that the Carolina Panthers were simply better, the Patriots had a bunch of CIA agents go into the Panthers' locker room right before the game and shoot up as many people as possible. This didn't work because the players were already out on the field practicing, so instead the CIA had Janet Jackson expose her breasts to the Panthers players during the whole game to distract the players. Tom Brady was able to drive on the Panthers' distracted defense, and won on a last second field goal.

Conspiracy to win another Super Bowl even though he has receivers shittier as the Philadelphia Eagles

Tom Brady lobbied for the government to give the Patriots better wide receivers, but his attempts to get a decent wide receiver failed. Meanwhile, the Philadelphia Eagles signed a huge, physical wide receiver named Terrel "I stole your girlfriend Giselle" Owens, who mocked Tom Brady's failure to get a decent wide receiver by doing sit ups every day in the front lawn of Tom Brady's girlfriend.

Bill Belichick, though, was determined to win another Super Bowl and purchased upgraded videotaping cameras with a grant from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. The Patriots had the best record in the NFL and went to another Super Bowl, this time against the Philadelphia Eagles. The Senate vote for the New England Patriots to win the Super Bowl was nearly defeated, but it went 68-30. The bill had been heavily protested by die-hard Eagle fans Arlen Specter and Ed Rendell, but the bill made it through both houses and George Bush signed the bill because he's a Cowboys fan and wanted the Eagles to lose. To make the Eagles lose the Super Bowl, the CIA bribed T.O. to play anyway even though he had a serious injury, and bribed Eagles receiver Freddie Mitchell to drop balls and run dumb pass routes so McNabb would throw in interception every time he tried to get him the ball. Tom Brady won his second Super Bowl in three years.

Conspiracy to videotape all opposing teams' practices and almost go undefeated

In the 2007 offseason, the Patriots made several notable signings, such as acquiring Donté Stallworth, Wes Welker, Kelley Washington, Randy Moss, Kyle Brady, and running back Sammy Morris. The Patriots also attempted to recruit Emmitt Smith, Michael Jordan, and God, but were unsuccessful. For the first time in Tom Brady's career, the Patriots had better wide receivers than the Miami Dolphins. Tom Brady was ready to have one of the best fantasy football seasons in NFL history, and there was little to stop the Patriots from going undefeated. The New York Jets and Miami Dolphins were as mediocre as ever, and the Patriots had the benefit of playing against the unimpressive AFC North.

Tom Brady opened the season by blowing out the New York Jets, but the Patriots forgot to ask the New York Jets for permission to tape their signals. As a result, the Patriots were fined $250,000, Bill Belichick $500,000, and they lost a first round pick. It turned out the Patriots had a whole ring of conspiracy, in which the Patriots were using military aircraft and spy satellites to conduct espionage activities, such as recording the location of referees in real time and the meaning of defensive audibles. The Patriots were even found to have videotaped the Rams' walkthrough before they played them in the Super Bowl.

Despite these accusations, the 2007-08 season was played nonetheless, and Tom Brady became the first NFL quarterback to know the exact coverage and blitz scheme the defense will be in beforehand. A small microphone in Tom Brady's right ear let Bill Belichick tell Tom Brady what coverage the defense is about to run, and which receiver will be open on the following play. In one of the most lopsided games, the Patriots beat the Washington Redskins 102-7 at home. The Redskins played the race card, and said the Patriots were being racist by running up the score, but Belichick defended this practice by saying he was only trying to win his fantasy football league.

The Patriots proceeded to the Super Bowl, still being undefeated. The Patriots success was pending because Congress was getting sick of the Iraq War, and the bill got struck down by the House of Representatives which would have made it illegal for the Giants to win the Super Bowl. Also, God had a vendetta against the Patriots because Satan had Tom Brady and Randy Moss on his fantasy football team, and God lost their fantasy football league because he took Larry Johnson instead. Tom Brady lost in the Super Bowl because of the lack of governmental help.

Conspiracy for Matt Cassel and Patriots running backs to get revenge on Tom Brady for stealing their fame

Matt Cassel was the only other quarterback on the roster at the time, and was jealous of Tom Brady for stealing all of his fame. The Patriots running backs were jealous of Tom Brady for giving the Patriots such a dynamic passing attack, and weren't racking enough points for themselves in the team fantasy football league. Matt Cassel and the Patriots running backs were tired of all of the teams' success being placed on Tom Brady, even though most of his success isn't even because of him. Matt Cassel decided the only way they could impede Tom Brady's success was by injuring him.

Before the San Diego Chargers game in the 2008 playoffs, Matt Cassel made a deal with the San Diego Chargers that if they knocked Tom Brady out of the game, he would pay them a bounty of $100,000. The Chargers picked Tom Brady off 3 times, and weren't able to knock him out of the game, but they gave him a left foot injury which would prove to be a problem in the future.

In the 2008 offseason, as part of the plot to injure Tom Brady badly, running back Kevin Faulk pretended to "accidentally" step on Tom Brady's right foot, thus crippling both of Tom Brady's feet. Tom Brady was forced to miss the offseason, and Matt Cassel finally got some decent playing time.

Before the first regular season game against the Kansas City Chiefs, Matt Cassel called Kansas City Chiefs coach Herman Edwards and told him the Patriots' game plan. He told him every single play the Patriots would run on their first few drives, and the order in which the Patriots would run them just to make sure Tom Brady stood no chance against the pass rush. Matt Cassel also agreed to pay the Kansas City Chiefs a bounty for knocking him out of the game.

Cassel's actions were successful, and Tom Brady got a season ending injury midway into the first quarter on a devastating hit by Marcus Pollard. Tom Brady suffered an ACL and MCL injury, and even a bone infection. He no longer will be playing this season! The '72 Dolphins popped open a bottle of champagne in celebration.

Personal life

Tom Brady and his girlfriend Giselle live in the basement of his mom's apartment. Tom Brady doesn't want to admit that they're engaged, though, because then Tony Romo will make fun of him for not having Jessica Simpson as a girlfriend. Tom Brady is also a deadbeat dad because he likes to get his girlfriends pregnant then later abandon them. Tom Brady has a twin brother, named John Brady, who lives in Boston and is openly gay, but Tom Brady discontinued his relationship with him when he started dating Bill Belichick.

Trivia

• Tom Brady likes to sleep with his teddy bear, and also wets the bed occasionally. Please don't tell anyone.
• Tom Brady doesn't really exist. He's just a hologram.
• Tom Brady isn't really that good of a quarterback. You could do a better job of being quarterback than him.
• Tom Brady is currently dating your girlfriend. Do something about it.