User:Alternate*grammar/Elbonia
Whoops! Perhaps you meant Moldova?
"Where the hell is Elbonia?"
The Republic of Elbonia (Gibberish: utca fmopauf aspours) is a small (10' x 19'), impoverished, and mud-covered nation somewhere in Eastern Europe. It is by all means independent, but is currently unrecognized by any nation, as diplomatic missions have been met with the same question: "Where the hell is Elbonia?" (except for George Dubya Bush of The Greatest Nation in the Whole Freaking World {now Obamaworld}, who replied "Where the bitch is Elbonia?"). At last census (a head count of all the citizens), the population was 10. It is currently led by President Scott Adams.
History[edit | edit source]
Elbonia is actually the oldest nation in the world, but has gone completely unnoticed since its foundation in 25 BC (alright, alright, BCE), when a Ukrainian named Gyvvkogzyvyxzzyov decided to secede from Ukraine so he would not be arrested for drinking too much. The Ukrainian government made no moves to halt this rebellion, and so Gyvvkogzyvyxzzyov considered the founding of Elbonia a success, though it is theorized and all but proven today (or maybe yesterday) that the Ukrainian Government did not respond to the rebellion simply because they didn't know it was happening. Gyvvkogzyvyxzzyov organized a law in Elbonia that allowed citizens to drink as much as they possibly could, and drank vodka non-stop until his death 2 days later, of liver disease. A duo of passing goats unwillingly kept Elbonia alive by staying there after their shepard drowned in the mud that covers Elbonia.
Elbonia was not neutral in World War I, throwing rocks and goat fecal matter at German soldiers who were unknowingly invading Elbonia. The Germans shrugged off the Elbonian Army as a bunch of angry middle-aged Russians, and moved on. for this reason, the Elbonians considered their country a survivor. In World War II, the Elbonians were too busy repairing from the damage caused by a recent mudslide (which rose the mud level in Elbonia from 3' to 4' 1") and having sex with their goats to get involved, so they flew under the radar, accepting help by the USSR, who did not know that Elbonia was not part of Soviet Ukraine, and regarded it as a small mudflat that people were stupid enough to live on (an assumption that the Elbonians did not put in retrospect, seeing as how Elbonia still exists).
Up until 1985, Elbonia did not have a government. They were essentially run by a goat named Steve, and even he was unaware that he was President of Elbonia. They signed a deal with an American software company, and became responsible for launching France's satellites into orbit. For this reason, they appointed Scott Adams honorary President, although Adams had nothing to do with the company, and before becoming President, he had spent his life at his computer drawing little cartoon people every single day. President Adams runs a dictatorship over Elbonia to this day, as he is the only Elbonian responsible enough to run anything in the country.
Location[edit | edit source]
All that is known about Elbonia is that it is on the planet Earth (not to be confused with {apparently} the only part of Earth that matters).
Geography & Climate[edit | edit source]
Elbonia is completely covered by waist-deep mud. It is unknown what lies underneath. A scientific study by the University of Elbonia (a couple lawn chairs in a hut with a constantly-replaced steel pnael to draw on) confirmed that there is solid matter beneath the mud. The students, however, were too uninterested and too preoccupied with setting a new world record in booze chugging to conduct further research.
President Adams refers to the climate as "bad".
Demographics[edit | edit source]
All Elbonians are 100% Elbonian in ancestry (meaning they are direct descendents of Gyvvkogzyvyxzzyov and his sheep), except for President Adams, who is American/Maltese/Monegasque/Sammarinese. After it was discovered that Justin Bieber (Elbonian name Faggot Blowhard) was a descendent of Gyvvkogzyvyxzzyov as well (explaining his alcohol problem), he became an honorary Elbonian citizen. However, Bieber replied via the Internet, saying, "wut da fuck iz dis elbonia shit, nigga."
Language[edit | edit source]
The national language of Elbonia is Gibberish. Gibberish has a very long history, dating back to the ancient Elbonians of the 1940s, who were too stupid to learn any existing language, and too drunk to create their own, so they began to run their mouths randomly. Through Steve Martin's popularization of Gibberish in the 1970s, Gibberish became the official language in 1985.
Gibberish is unusual in that there are no capital letters, and in that it is the most complex language in the world, yet is the easiest to learn. To speak it, simply run your mouth randomly and hope the other person understands.
Boring Political Crap[edit | edit source]
President: Scott Adams Minister of Defense: Scott Adams Minister of Alcohol: Scott Adams (de facto Justin Bieber) Everything else: Scott Adams
Elbonia's political structure is not unlike the USA's, where a complete shmuck (President Adams) calls all the shots, no questions asked. This gets the people pissed, but they don't bother doing anything about it, instead whining and complaining while they drink their booze and smoke their pot/weed/grass/green/some-other-teenage-slang-word-for-marijuana. Although, this may just be the American teenager's way of dealing with crap, but that's the only way that matters, right?