User:Alia kenobi/WIP

THESE ARE MY CURRENT PROJECTS DO NOT DELEATE!!!!!

Howto: eat cheetos

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You can even eat them while taking a bath.

Cheetos are perhaps the most scrumptious and aerodynamic food on the market. They are cheesy, sometimes spicy and, much like M&Ms they tend to melt in your mouth. It goes with out saying that these Styrofoam filled little morsels are absolutely delectable.

However, the cheeto (pronounced Chi-toe) is a rather difficult and tricky food to partake in. Aside from its rather unusual nature of leaving orange residue on your face and hands, they have also been known to cause a verity of gastric problems.

Step 1: preparing for cheeto consumption

Preparation is a very important part of cheeto consumption. If you do not properly prepare yourself for the consumption of cheetos you may develop orange fingers a rare yet potentially debilitating disease. However, with the correct preparation you can avoid all cheeto related injuries.

Don't be fooled by the word "Gourmet", do not eat communist Chinese Cheetos!

What you will need

• A bag of Cheetos (warning: using any non cheetos brand cheetos is potentially dangerous, eating non-cheetos brand cheetos is done at your own risk, the writers of this article are not responsible for any harm caused by these wanna-be cheetos.)
• 1+ roll of paper towels
• 1 large bowl (preferably made of plastic, or Pyrex… or if you have a lot of cheetos a tub)
• A comfortable place to munch (such as a chair, couch, or if you are not picky a somewhat clean floor)
• this article

what you won’t need

• a rubber ducky
• clean underwear
• a roll of cat 5 coaxial cable

what you might want but do not need

• Duct tape (for attaching paper towels)
• something to drink (I personally recommend orange soda, or sprite both have good legs and a robust flavor this season)
• a has-mat suit

=Where to eat Cheetos

There are many places to eat cheetos this is best explained by the great Mr. Seuss's classic book "Cheetos in a bag"...

I like Cheetos in a bag

I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!

And I would eat them with a lout.

And I would eat them in a goatse...

And I will eat them in the rain.

And in the dark ages. And on a quatrain.

And in the backseat of a car.

They are so good, so good, you see!

So I will eat them with pox.

And I will eat them with some cocks.

And I will eat them with a jock.

And I will eat them with a Faust.

And I will eat them here and there.

Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!

While a "Cheetos Pride" rally may help get you "in the mood" to eat Cheetos, it is not necessary to hold one prior to eating them.

random stuff that has nothing to do with cheetos or their consumption pt1

Ever wonder why its against the law to play bagpipes without a kilt? What is it about the kilt that makes it a necessity? Perhaps the “breathability” of the groin area comes into play. Or the flexibility to defend oneself from a punch or kick to the bullocks. Some say its national pride. We all know that wearing a plaid skirt is nothing to be proud of. Contemplate this while I continue this Cheetos related article.

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Step 2: Opening the Bag

Cheetos bags like most other snack food bags are incredibly difficult to open, and should only be handled by a seasoned professional (usually basal, or garlic seasonings). But, in the case that there is no seasoned bag opening professional at hand you can do it yourself; just remember that it is dangerous. (it may be wise to keep a phone nearby at this time so that you can call 911... the phone number for 911 is 9 1 1)

To become a seasoned bag opener…..

Seasoning Method 1: Cinnamon bun hair

Although it has been disputed that the cinnamon in cinnamon buns actually counts as a type of seasoning, there is no denying the sweet delectability of fresh cinnamon buns. Which are tasty, even with small doses of ear wax . (yours, not somebody else’s.) You can buy fresh cinnamon buns at many grocery stores, however the Betty Crocker’s home cookbook does contain a very difficult and time consuming recipe that I frequently go delinquent on with frozen cinnamon buns, that I buy at my local general store, that does not sell fresh pastries of any type, but instead sells bait and tackle along with large amounts of beef, turkey, ostrich, and mystery jerky. Anyway, you need to get “fresh” buns (not those kind of buns, perv!). Once you have procured those buns, you simply need to attach them to your head over your ears. (warning: do not use super glue! -you don’t want to go though that, trust me, I know.)

One of the best methods of attachment is Elmer’s Glue, it is nontoxic and has a slightly salty and sour taste, and dries farley quickly. It is also water soluble, which is a nice feature. You can also use kitchen grease, which is sticky unless it melts, in which case it just gives you zits, but it is tasty. For a low fat, low carb, option in sticky substances you can use Aunt Jemima’s Light maple syrup.

After you have attached your buns, you may proceed to open the bag.

Note: This method is sometimes confused as a fashion statement, and is best used by brunette females between the ages of 12 and 42)

Seasoning Method 3: Rosemary‘s baby‘s breath

Although some religious zealots (mostly those affiliated with dooms day cults such as Uncyclopedia, and Catholicism) feel that this particular method of seasoning should be scribed as the 8th cardinal sin and is sometimes associated with the antiwikian you will not be excommunicated, unless you are a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Now in order to be seasoned by this method you need to procure a baby that belongs to a woman whose name is Rosemary. (this information may be found in your country’s census…because they keep track of that kind of useless stuff) In order to procure this child you may want to look into a manual that includes information on procuring babies.

Now that you have Rosemary’s baby, and have changed its dippers, fed, burped, played with,sung to and, changed its diaper again, you need to capture some of its breath. For capturing the baby’s breath you will need a roll of duct tape, a stack of paper towels, a has. mat. suit, and an empty jar of mayo. Once you have these items duct tape the baby to the wall. (do not forget to change its diaper again, and feed it again, burp it again, and let it take a nap again first) Now you should put on the hazardous materials suit.

After you have the baby taped to a wall and the has mat suit on wipe off the saliva from its mouth using one or more of the paper towels. After you have done this, hold the baby’s nose and hold up the uncapped mayo jar to its face. Allow the baby to breath/cry directly into the jar for at least 31.4 minutes, 42.54 is better. After the baby has breathed into the jar quickly cap the jar.

At this point you can take off the hazardous materials suit and head over to a secluded area of your house that contains a bath tub, this is normally your bathroom. Here you should strip down to your spider man/power puff girls underoos and bath in the baby’s breath. Please make sure to scrub the breath into your skin with zest and vigor. (use you don’t have any zest or vigor, you can use determination and gusto) you will need to use at least half the jar, but more is always better, so use the whole jar. If you are particularly large you may wish to use more than one.

Now you may proceed to open the cheeto’s bag. ( Note: this method of seasoning is very time consuming, if you are short on time you can use the half ass method and simply let the baby breathe directly onto you.)

Now you can successfully open the bag. Simply pull on the red tabs or inflate the bag by breathing into the tube. (Side note: A cheeto’s bag also makes a handy floatation device in case of a water landing. It is also useful on a desert island.)

Step 3: Comfort Proteins

Cheetos are nutritious and delicious. They are full of paraphernalia, like recycled cardboard, that is good for the environment and okay for you. Understanding the contents, and nutritional value of a cheetos is imputative to the safe and sanitary consumption of cheetos. Many cheeto’s bags contain a very superfluous nutrition facts section. Reading this section after you open the bag is compulsory to the consumption of any cheeto. (Except in certain areas of Indiana where the literacy rate is below 10%) In Soviet Russia you do not consume cheetos, cheetos consume YOU.

Cheetos contain comfort proteins that make cheetos easy to digest. Although the cheetos may scratch at your mouth, by the time a cheeto reaches your stomach it will have sufficiently broken down into a orange colored pile of goop. If you debate this fact, please conduct your local bulimic teen, and have them eat a cheeto, you will have concrete results within the hour.

The ingredients contained in cheetos include (but are not limited to) HOH, enzymatically hydrolyzed reduced minerals, whey protein concentrate (from cat’s milk), vegetable oils (palm olein, soy, coconut, high-oleic safflower, opium), lactose, corn malt dextrin, yellow dye #42, and red dye #5 (known to cause cancer in some areas of the state of California)

Step 4: the first bite

yum.

Step 5: repeat

yum.

Step 7: upon super cheesiness lick fingers (or have someone else do it for you)

One of the most fun and delectable times that can be associated to cheetos is when your finger become encrusted in cheesiness. This super cheesy state can be identified as when the pads of your fingers are entirely orange. Once your fingers are orange you can lick them, Or if you are feeling kinky you can have someone else lick them for you. Licking the cheesiness from oneself can lead to hours of finger licking fun and entertainment. (warning: finger licking fun ™ is an 18+ game developed by the cheetah and Hasbro toys, if you are unsure of how to play this game you can purchase the boxed version at your local sexToys-R-Us)

Step 8: there is no step ate

Do to the insidiousness of the number eight, it has been decided that step 8 can be skipped altogether and does absolutely nothing for or in the favor of cheeto consumption. Please enjoy the dancing cheetos that make up filler for step 8, which really does not exist. Because the number eight is more evil than any other number. …….insert gif of dancing cheetos

Step 10: refelect.

yum.