Uncyclopedia Legal Department

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Potestas In Lex Quod Forensis:
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The Uncyclopedia Legal Department (UnLegal), established 1.12.2009, is the real backbone of Uncyclopedia. Its aim is to find any and all legalistic faults in articles and rectify those faults by adding correctional templates on said articles. This will automatically make said articles UnLegal; that is, unless proven otherwise, conformant to the Uncyclopedia Statute of Legality, and absens haeres non erit. Moreover, as herein before otherwise stipulated, where discretions is vested in the trustees hereunder, such discretions shall be complete and absolute, and any decision made by them pursuant to such arbitrary powers shall not be challengeable by any de facto member or any alter ego other person affected thereby, provided the de jure trustees conform to the main objects of the Department and to the other terms, conditions, and principles of this actus reus Trust Deed.
"Crede Quia Absurdum Est."

The Mission of the Department

The Uncyclopedia Legal Department is charged with the maintenance of interwiki peace and security. Its powers, outlined in the Proclamation of Inherent Powers, include the establishment of peacekeeping operations, the coordination of international huffing regimes, and if necessary, the authorization for military action. Its powers are exercised in accordance with the Uncyclopedia Charter. This charter is also defined at length within the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

The Headquarters

The Uncyclopedia Legal Department is located in a small plush closet within the main United Nations headquarters in New York City, and serves as the main organizational think-tank for the Community Forums and the Department of Uncyclopedian Morality Police (DUMP). This dark closet that houses the Uncyclopedia Legal Department is, in many ways, the fulcrum of the organization. The actual members of UnLegal like to stay in the closet while their henchmen travel around in waves, spying on wrongdoers with their keen eyes connected to agile minds - their massive, meaty fists always ready to punish the guilty in horribly degrading ways.

What happens in the UnLegal headquarters is a matter of heated speculation. It is not clear whether size matters: a surprisingly large number of people seem to fit into the small space with all the paraphernalia the organization needs to function. UnLegal has a vested interest in remaining aloof, and often uses its wide and far-reaching psychological expertise to drive fear into the hearts of those who would know more of the behind-closed-doors mysteries.

When approaching "The Closet", as it is nicknamed, even the strongest of heart and spine have been known to feel a creeping sensation enter their bodies in a most disagreeable way. The corridor suddenly seems to shrink, and all manner of dark, twisted urges appear in the mind, not to mention the faint smell of mothballs and cedar wood.

Factoid:  In November of 2011 the headquarters was the subject of an unsuccessful terrorist attack. Due to an unfortunate dating anomaly found within the US, stemming from its antiquated practice of following 'Daylight Savings Time,' the attack was termed 119 by sections of the media.
The Courtroom

The screams of the tortured. The pathetic pleading of the guilty. The even more pitiable pleading of the wrongly accused (but probably still guilty of something) public. The crunching of bones and gnashing of teethes. The sloshing sounds; and the eerie light. Many victims of the UnLegal scare tactics have been found screaming in the avenues, trying to banish the night of their own inner selves.

Note:  It's best to bring a Sacklunch.gifsack lunch if you will be attending court.
The Lawyers

Not much needs to be said about the viciously deranged henchmen of the Department except the following: After getting to know any of them, you will notice the stigmata a thousand megabytes away provided you manage to escape with your sanity and moral backbone intact. While seemingly trying to keep the fragile ethics of Uncyclopedia in some kind of formality, these ghastly characters will, in fact, do everything in their power to drag you down to the murky depths of their own indescribable practices all the while claiming it was you who wanted them to do so. Such is the strength of their self-righteous propaganda that any regular Uncyclopedia member will need an iron will and an infallible character to converse with the UnLegal henchmen safely. Steer clear; it is the only hope you have.

Membership Regulations and Team Roster

The morality of the Uncyclopedia Legal Department itself has, of course, been questioned fairly often because of its twisted way to keep the balance. The answer to the question is, however, elusive: UnLegal representatives have always claimed the right to retain the secrets of their trade. When asked about the disagreeable methods some members have imposed upon unsuspecting Uncyclopedians, the traditional reply has, for eCenturies, been: "We know best." This is not an opinion or hearsay, and is therefore not disputable. If there are bodies who wish to shed a different light to the workings of UnLegal in any way, it will officially be seen as dangerous subversion, and punishment will be meted out appropriately.

All members, upon adding their information to the roster below must agree to disagree with The Legal Department's Proclamation of Inherent Powers. By adding yourself to the Legal Department roster you hereby avow to agreeing to disagree with said Proclamation whether you concur not.

List of Practitioners Claiming Membership Herein[edit]

If you do not know how to add yourself to the list properly and wish to join, leave a message here.

Titular Name Area of Expertise
Zana Dark - Attorney General Joint Chiefs of Staff via Food & Drug Administration, Business Ethics.
Cassie - Expert Human rights wrongs law.
Multi​literalist - Expert Criminal Activities Law, Extortion.
Whoremonal - Expert Civil Law, specialising in Indecency.
Rabbi​Techno - Legal Consultant Talmudic Law and the Legalization of Marijuana.
Mordillo - Expert International Law and War Crimes, specializing in Conspiracy Theories.
Kakun - Lawyer Founding Partner of Kakun, Poop & Shite. Never lost a case.
Andorin Kato - Legal Consultant Intellectual Property Taxes.
Mhaille - Executive Partner Advocation of Fornication Addiction, Sexual Harassment and Dispute Resolution.
Syndrome - Internal Intern Hypothetical Malpractice.
Socky - Solicitor General Law Drafting and Policy Advice.
WHY??? - Uncle-in-Law Serjeant-at-Law Law of the Unglican Temple.
Dr Puppy​On​The​Radio - Litigator Sexual Harassment, Medical Malpractice and Devil's Advocate.
Chief​justice​DS - Judicial Consultant Criminal Law and Policy Advice.
ColinAYB - Rehabilitated Convict Certified Lawyer Iconoclastic Actions, Penii in the First Degree, and Criminal Tendencies Law.
Fag - Legal Advisor Lewd Conduct, Foreign Diplomacy Issues, and Escort. Will also insult your music taste for a small additional fee.
Aleister - Congressional Liaison Outer Space, Oceanic, and Hogwartsian Law. Vandal and Lurker Profiler. Licensed to practice guitar before the Supreme Court.
I​will​kill​you​333 - Bureau Investigator Law Enforcement, Criminal Law, and Legalization of Extreme Punishment.
Mahmüscher - Janitor Specialises in cleaning up the mess. Reads and Writes.
Hot​admin​4u69 - Defense Counselor (twice disbarred, thrice reinstated) Unfair Labor Practices, Wage Discrimination, Unconstitutional Law, and Union Evisceration (Hoffaistic Law)
Lord​arcadian - Lawyer / Public Defender Filing frivolous lawsuits, Noob custody, Standards for motions to dismiss, Piracy agreements, Theoretical hearsay, and Evidence tampering law.
Metal​Heads​Rejoice - Expert Manager / Heavy Metalist Banned User
Comedic editing of the stupid and ridiculous; tip-top shape mongering.
No​Names​Left - Attorney at Love Loving, caressing, and fondling the law in downright unlawful ways.
Every​other​username​was​taken - Creep in Trench-coat Proofreading, executing bad jokes, selling LSD in the public toilets
Dr. Happytimes - Senior Partner - Client Advisor Happiness General Practice, Journalism Advocate (JAG), Untruth Scrivener and Moral Bankruptcy Law.

Thank you for joining. As an added bonus, please feel free to amend the post-nominals LEG, ESQ, or LD to your signature.

Affidavits of membership:[edit]

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{{User LD}}
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UN:LEGAL Legal Department
This user is a registered supporter of Uncyclopedian Martial Law.
Crede Quia Absurdum Est. 
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UN:LEGAL Legal Department
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Crede Quia Absurdum Est. 
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UN:LEGAL Legal Department
Titular Name
Crede Quia Absurdum Est. 
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