Uncyclopedia:Legal Department

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Potestas In Lex Quod Forensis:

The Uncyclopedia Legal Department (UnLegal), established 1.12.2009, aims to find any and all legalistic faults in articles and correct those faults by adding a correctional template on the said articles. This will automatically make the said articles UnLegal; that is, unless proven otherwise, conformant to the Uncyclopedia Statute of Legality, and absens haeres non erit. Moreover, as herein before otherwise stipulated, where discretion are vested in the trustees hereunder, such discretion shall be complete and absolute, and any decision made by them pursuant to such discretionary powers shall not be challengeable by any de facto member or any alter ego other person affected thereby, provided the de jure trustees conform to the main objects of the Department and to the other terms, conditions, and principles of this actus reus Trust Deed.
"Crede Quia Absurdum Est."

The Mission of the Department

The Uncyclopedia Legal Department is charged with the maintenance of interwiki peace and security. Its powers, outlined in the Proclamation of Inherent Powers, include the establishment of peacekeeping operations, the coordination of international huffing regimes, and the authorization for military action. Its powers are exercised in accordance with the Uncyclopedia Charter. This charter is also defined at length within the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

The Headquarters

The Uncyclopedia Legal Department is located in a small plush closet within the main United Nations headquarters in New York City, and serves as the main organizational think-tank for the Community Forums and the Department of Uncyclopedian Morality Police (DUMP). The dark closet that houses the Uncyclopedia Legal Department is, in many ways, the fulcrum of the organization. The actual members of UnLegal stay put in the closet while their henchmen travel around the waves, spying on wrongdoers with their keen eyes connected to agile minds - their massive, meaty fists always ready to punish the guilty in horrible, degrading ways.

What happens in the UnLegal headquarters is a matter of heated speculation. It is not clear whether size matters: a surprisingly large number of people seem to fit into the small space with all the paraphernalia the organization needs to function. UnLegal uses its wide and far-reaching psychological expertise to drive fear into the hearts of those who would know more of the behind-closed-doors mysteries.

When approaching the closet, even the strongest of heart and spine have been known to feel a creeping sensation enter their bodies in a most disagreeable way. The corridor suddenly seems to shrink, and all manner of dark, twisted urges appear in the mind, not to mention the faint smell of mothballs and cedar wood.

Factoid: In November of 2001 the headquarters was the subject of an unsuccessful terrorist attack. Due to an unfortunate dating anomaly found within the US, stemming from its antiquated practice of following 'Daylight Savings Time,' the attack was termed 119 by sections of the media.
The Courtroom

The screams of the tortured. The pathetic pleading of the guilty. The even more pitiable pleading of the wrongly accused (but probably still guilty of something) public. The crunching of bones and gnashing of teethes. The sloshing sounds; and the eerie light. Many victims of the UnLegal scare tactics have been seen screaming in the avenues, trying to banish the night of their own inner selves.

Note: It's best to bring a sack lunch if you will be attending court.
The Lawyers

Not much needs to be said about the viciously deranged henchmen of the Department except the following: After getting to know any of them, you will notice the stigmata a thousand megabytes away - provided you manage to escape with your sanity and moral backbone intact. While seemingly trying to keep the fragile morality of Uncyclopedia in some kind of form these ghastly characters will, in fact, do everything in their power to drag you down to the murky depths of their own indescribable practices with them - all the while claiming it was you who wanted them to do so. Such is the strength of their self-righteous propaganda that any Uncyclopedia member will need an iron will and an infallible character to converse with an UnLegal henchman safely. Steer clear; it is the only hope you have.

Membership Regulations and Team Roster

The morality of the Uncyclopedia Legal Department itself has, of course, been questioned fairly often because of its twisted way to keep the balance. The answer to the question is, however, elusive: UnLegal spokesmen have always claimed the right to retain the secrets of their trade. When asked about the disagreeable methods some members have imposed upon unsuspecting Uncyclopedians, the traditional reply has, for eCenturies, been: "We know best." This is not an opinion and therefore it is not disputable. If there are bodies who wish to shed a different light to the workings of UnLegal in any way, it will officially be seen as dangerous subversion, and punishment will be meted out.

All members, upon adding their information to the roster below must agree to disagree with The Legal Department's Proclamation of Inherent Powers. By adding yourself to the Legal Department roster you hereby agree to agreeing to disagree with said Proclamation whether you agree or not.

List of Practitioners Claiming Membership Herein[edit source]

If you do not know how to add yourself to the list properly and wish to join, please leave a message here.

Name Title of Rank Area of Expertise
Zana Dark Department Head Business Ethics, Food and Drug Administration.
Multiliteralist Expert Criminal Activities Law, Extortion.
Whoremonal Expert Civil Law, specialising in Indecency.
RabbiTechno Legal Consultant Talmudic Law and the Legalization of Marijuana.
Mordillo Expert International Law and War Crimes, specializing in Conspiracy Theories.
Kakun Lawyer Founding Partner of Kakun, Poop & Shite. Never lost a case.
Andorin Kato Legal Consultant Intellectual Property Taxes.
Mhaille Executive Partner Advocation of Fornication Addiction, Sexual Harassment and Dispute Resolution.
Syndrome Internal Intern Hypothetical Malpractice.
Socky Solicitor General Law Drafting and Policy Advice.
WHY??? Uncle-in-Law
Law of the Unglican Temple.
Dr PuppyOnTheRadio Litigator Sexual Harassment, Medical Malpractice and Devil's Advocate.
ChiefjusticeDS Judicial Consultant Criminal Law and Policy Advice.
ColinAYB Rehabilitated Convict Certified Lawyer Iconoclastic Actions, Penii in the First Degree, and Criminal Tendencies Law.
Fag Legal Advisor Lewd Conduct, Foreign Diplomacy Issues, and Escort. Will also insult your music taste for a small additional fee.
Aleister Congressional Liason Outer Space, Oceanic, and Hogwartsian Law. Vandal and Lurker Profiler. Licensed to practice guitar before the Supreme Court.
Iwillkillyou333 Bureau Investigator Law Enforcement, Criminal Law, and Legalization of Extreme Punishment.
Mahmüscher Janitor Specialises in cleaning up the mess. Reads and Writes.
Hotadmin4u69 Defense Counselor (twice disbarred, thrice reinstated) Unfair Labor Practices, Wage Discrimination, Unconstitutional Law, and Union Evisceration (Hoffaistic Law)
Lordarcadian Lawyer / Public Defender Filing frivolous lawsuits, Noob custody, Standards for motions to dismiss, Piracy agreements, Theoretical hearsay, and Evidence tampering law.
Banned User
Expert Manager / Heavy Metalist Comedic editing of the stupid and ridiculous; tip-top shape mongering.
NoNamesLeft Attorney at Love Loving, caressing, and fondling the law in downright unlawful ways.
Everyotherusernamewastaken Creep in Trench-coat Proofreading, executing bad jokes, selling LSD in the public toilets
Dr. Happytimes Department Tail
  - Client Advisor
Happiness General Practice, Journalism Advocate (JAG), Untruth Scrivener and Moral Bankruptcy Law.

Here is the basic userboxen to decorate your userpage:[edit source]

You can set the float option to your liking (the default is right). There is also some text in the middle that you can change to whatever you want.
{{User LD}}
UN:LEGAL Legal Department
This user is a registered supporter of Uncyclopedian Martial Law.

Crede Quia Absurdum Est.

~ Oscar Wilde
{{User LD|float=left|insert optional text here}}
UN:LEGAL Legal Department
insert optional text here

Crede Quia Absurdum Est.

~ Oscar Wilde

Here are the official voting templates:[edit source]

{{UBA|The [[UN:LEGAL|Uncyclopedia Legal Department]]|says 'okay.'}}
Symbol for vote.svg The Uncyclopedia Legal Department says, 'Okay.'

{{UBA2|The [[UN:LEGAL|Uncyclopedia Legal Department]]|says 'nah.'}}
Symbol delete vote.svg The Uncyclopedia Legal Department says, 'Nah.'

Here is the basic advisory template to indicate a shitty article:[edit source]


This article has the mens rea, but lacks the sufficient actus reus to be guilty of worth reading in its entirety.

If the defense wishes to make any arguments, please demonstrate evidence for habeas corpus on this article's talk page. Excess content will be purged de jure and re-submitted for perusal in about 2 weeks or so. (January 25, 2024)

See all of the official Unlegal templates here >>