University of North Florida
| University of North Florida | |
|---|---|
 Looking north from campus with JEA power station in background | |
| Motto | U Never Finish |
| Established | 1950 |
| School type | Public |
| Head | Cobra Commander |
| Location | Jacksonville, Florida, U.S. |
| Campus | 2,000 acres |
| Endowment | $34.848 |
| Mascot | Ospreys |
The University of North Florida is located in Jacksonville, Florida. It was founded in 1950 by a group of wandering alcoholics who washed ashore in nearby Jacksonville Beach. It boasts a large percentage of rednecks and is fondly referred to as U Never Finish (UNF) by its student body. Current University President Cobra Commander of the SS Dead Weight hopes to demolish the stigma surrounding this institution.
History[edit | edit source]
The land the campus is currently on is a former landfill that closed in 1949 due to public health concerns. In 1950, a pack of drunkards began squatting in an abandoned cargo container which is currently Founders' Hall. Since then, the school has expanded at an exponential rate despite not being accredited by the Department of Education.
Curriculum[edit | edit source]
Since its inception the University has been notorious for changing its curriculum constantly. To date, the university has changed curriculum 24,354 times, making it nearly impossible for most to graduate. Most freshman will spend at least ten years attempting to satisfy all of their requirements in four year programs with the university often changing requirements mid-semester. Popular courses include Basket Weaving (both above and below sea-level), Evolution: Fiction, and Ghostbusting.
Parking[edit | edit source]
With a student body totaling 16,000 the University has only 4,000 parking spaces. An investigation was launched after "Bloody Monday" in which 1,300 undergrads died in a bloody battle amongst each other to obtain parking spaces before the first day of class Fall 2007. The investigatory panel concluded that the number of parking spaces was being limited by the University so they could keep the tuition money already paid by the deceased. The scandal forced the University to construct several new parking lots. However these news lots (18, 53) are located 32 miles from campus and a valid passport is required to ride the shuttle bus. In response to student outrage the administration produced two brochures entitled Where the fuck is lot 53?? & So you paid $90 to park in a different area code to ease student frustration. School developers also believed it was a great idea to build more useless buildings over the few existing parking spaces to cut the number of spaces even more.
There has been an unwritten rule scince bloody monday that the first week of school is a free for all (no ticking) after a massive walk out by parking services. This desicion was made on Shitty Tuesday when 2,000 undergrads stormed parking services and crucified the Head of Parking Services sideways, Black Jesus Style.
Library[edit | edit source]
The Thomas G. Carpenter library was originally built in 1973. During construction the project was drastically underfunded and mismanaged. Soon after building was completed the Environmental Protection Agency attempted to have the building condemned after it was discovered that the structure was ridden with asbestos and lead paint. Today the library is a place where students come to pass out.
In 2012 the library spent an unprecedented amount of money, about "tree fitty", to buy their book. It is the only book owned by UNF. It is problematic due to the UNF's student body being completely illiterate. Due to this illiteracy no outsider has found out what the book's title is or what it's about. Any literate person who enters the library with hopes of viewing the book is immediately arrested by UNF's security service known only as the Republican Guard. The Republican Guard is directly answerable to Cobra Commander the president of UNF, previously they were under the command of Saddam Hussein until UNF purchased them in 2003 for, a little less than, "tree fifty".
The Osprey[edit | edit source]
No one actually knows what an Osprey is. Some say it is a mythical bird, capable of world destruction and others claim that it is no more than a sea pigeon. One thing that is certain, is that it is profoundly gay. This is evident by the large Goose population that has left a fine layer of feces over the entire campus.
The Osprey became the official mascot of UNF in the year 2979. This was after a long bloody civil war that encompassed Jacksonville FL, which had been renamed Shit-Hole-Istan back in 2591. In commemoration of the war the shit-hole-istanis dedicated the school's mascot to their god Ozzy "Osborn" the osprey. Due to its ability to travel back in time Ozzy the osprey travelled back to the 1970s and crowned it self the mascot 1000 years earlier in the hopes of preventing the civil war from starting in the first place.