Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/what to do when your girlfriend gets pregnant at 16
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what to do when your girlfriend gets pregnant at 16[edit source]
Criminalpimper 03:49, April 17, 2010 (UTC)
- I'll do this one. --Matfen 17:39, April 17, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 2.5 | It's a blunt article, so I'm going to give a blunt review. I didn't find this article funny for many reasons. They can be seen in the rest of this review. |
| Concept: | 3 | This is a very very blunt concept. It does actually have the potential to be funny, but unfortunately, the only humour I can see here is shock humour and the odd aside by the narrator. On top of that, it's totally predictable. Even for someone with very little imagination, it's predictable. You need to be thinking outside of the box to make articles of this subject matter funny. Take a look at this, or to a lesser extent, this, to see how other authors have done it. While you're at it, look at this too. From what I can see right now, this article is just offensive, and not even funny offensive (my favorite kind). The narrator needs to be better defined as well. You should make it more clear that he's an idiot. Half the time I'm reading the article, this actually sounds like serious advice from a really horrible excuse for a human being. Much of this stems from the fact that his suggestions aren't that ridiculous, making him more sinister than laughable. That's why you need to be more imaginative about this. I'm not saying use suggestions like "get Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick her in the stomach", (although that's not half bad). Stuff like "create your own radiation machine to cause a miscarriage", or "play it Emo music in the womb, so it might kill itself", although Emo jokes have been done to death by now. You get my drift for what you could think up. |
| Prose and formatting: | 2.5 | The formatting, spelling, and grammar in this article is borderline-atrocious. Yeah sure, I can read it in fluent english, but there are some serious confusions or mispellings of "You're", "Advice", "Girlfriend", "accomplish", "illegal", "controversial", "persuade", "extremely", "affected", and "eternally", not to mention an almost complete lack of apostrophes and capitalisations. Also, if you're going to list some points, at least use a semi-colon ( this : in case you're wondering) and then follow it with bullet point formatting. Better phrasing could be used for more comedic effect as well. Listen to how they sound in your head, to see if they could be worded funnier. For example, it would be better to write "If that sounds great, then close the webpage here and get digging!" rather than the other way round you've got now. Based on all the problems I've just mentioned, plus the fact that this was made in only 2 edits, I'm guessing you didn't put much time into this. What you need to do is step back for a second and think about how this could be funnier, or at least make more sense. Admins around here are less likely to scrap articles that have coherant English. |
| Images: | 0 | Pictures would probably help make this look like a real article, and actually raise a lol or two. No shock pics, though. |
| Miscellaneous: | 2 | Averaged. |
| Final Score: | 10 | This article already has an ICU tag on it, so if I were you, I would work on it a lot this week, or move it to your userspace and work on it at your own pace if you can't fix it up fast enough. If you follow my advice, and put a lot more imagination into it, this could actually be quite a good article. --Matfen 18:32, April 17, 2010 (UTC) |
| Reviewer: | --Matfen 18:32, April 17, 2010 (UTC) | |