Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Why?: Sit down, and have an italian soda
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
Why?: Sit down, and have an italian soda[edit source]
My best yet, I think, and I had lots of fun writing it. Now I need some in-depth advice to make it better. It's Me Bitches! Don't worry, I won't kill you.
| Humour: | 5.5 | I think you've got an interesting concept that could be expanded into a good article, however, right now I think it's still pretty rough. From what I can see, there are two major problems with your article: first, you've got the wrong tone. Typically, Why?s are supposed to be persuasive arguments to do something, as well as funny. Your article kind of falls along the lines of "drink an italian soda, because....it's great." To improve this article, you need to write it as if you were trying to convince a buisnessman to invest in your company. For example: "buying an Italian soda will give you many long-term benefits, such as ______". Second, your article is much too short. You need to capitalize on an idea and expand upon it, which i'll get into in the concept section |
| Concept: | 7 | Very interesting. I think there are a lot of ways you could go with this, you just need to make sure that you're consistent. I spotted a few things I think your article could do without: first, don't introduce characters at the beginning of the article, and then abandon them after that. I'd recommend you get rid of the whole introduction to a party part, and instead focus on the argument alone. For example, make the introduction go along the lines of "Hello, <insert name here>. You look like a fine young man/woman, and i'm sure someone like you would love one of the finest drinks known to man: the Italian Soda." Before you start the argument, though, make sure you explain what an Italian Soda is. For an idea of how to do this, take a look at HowTo:Subsist on an all-OREO® diet for the rest of your life. See how the narrator fully explains what an Oreo is for people who don't know about it? That's the kind of thing you should do. Also, get rid of the interaction between the reader and the narrator: people don't like to be told what they will say, and it kind of drags down your article; just focus on writing as the narrator. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5 | There's too much w h i t e s p a c e. It makes you look like you're just trying to make your article seem longer than it actually is. Your images don't really seem like they're in right spaces as well, so here's what I would recommend: get rid of the dialogue, so it doesn't look like you're just trying to get extra space in. Lay it out so that each of your sections has a good, thorough paragraph with an image in it. Spreading images out randomly usually doesn't look very good. Also, your title is wrong: there shouldn't be a space between Why? and Sit. |
| Images: | 7 | You get a good score for Sonje's potatoshop. Your first image is a bit of a cliche, as I have seen it, many, many times. There are quite a few ideas for images on this one: perhaps an image of a woman holding an Italian Soda, with a caption saying you'll get a date with her if you drink an italian soda? Just an idea. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 30.5 | I think you've got an interesting idea, as well as some OK writing, but you need to get more in-depth as to what an Italian Soda actually is, and why the reader should drink it. I know this isn't the greatest score, but please keep working on this- if you execute it right, it could become feature material. If you don't know enough about Italian Sodas, maybe you should do some research on Wikipedia, or maybe ask Cheddar (the Italian) some help.
Bottom Line: Use a more appropriate tone, eliminate the dialogue between the narrator and reader, and expand your article. Good luck! =) |
| Reviewer: | Saberwolf116 17:06, 11 June 2009 (UTC) | |