Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/What Would Jesus Do? (rewrite)
What Would Jesus Do? (rewrite)[edit source]
I grabbed this off the rewrite list and started it over from scratch. It is still in its infancy and I would just like to know what is working and what is not in the article before I give it a good polish. Hope you enjoy what I have thus far.- Cheapinitreal (talk) 03:19, 31 May 2008 (UTC)
Haven't gone through it in detail, but by first thoughts are 1) break up into smaller paragraphs. 2) lose about 90% of those damn parentheses. Most of them are completely redundant, and they make the article difficult to read.
Parentheses exist so you can park a tangentially connected thought in the middle of a sentence; for example "If one is to believe in the gospel (which you should or someone will be by to burn your home down later), Jesus was one miraculous motherfucker and would certainly be pulling in top dollar on any Vegas stage today or be locked up in some top secret government facility raising a holy army of the dead." The use of parentheses is apt here, although the sentence is a little long.
Elsewhere, you're putting them around clauses that make perfect sense within the sentence, eg "The question is commonly (falsely) associated with dedicated followers of Christianity (true believers never ask that question as they know what the Jesus would do)". You could have written that as "The question is associated with followers of Christianity, but falsely so; true believers never ask that question as they know what the Jesus would do." Do you see what I mean? Another option could have been to break it in into two separate sentences. "The question is often falsely associated blah blah blah. However, true believers, etc,"
Also, in other places, you use parentheses to add whole sentences to the middle of other sentences; I suspect you could do the same thing less obtrusively with footnotes.
But enough whining; if you fix up the paragraphs and sentences so that reading it isn't a chore, and I'll review this for you in depth. --Cap'n Sir Ben GUN WotM VFH VFP 12:17, 1 June 2008 (UTC)
Sorry to have made that such a pain. I'm not a great editor but cleaned up what I could given your suggestions. I am still uncertain about the parentheses in the intro though. I hope this reads a little easier now. Thanks for the help--- Cheapinitreal (talk) 18:49, 1 June 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 5 | There's some good gags here. I particularly liked the callback of the "overused questions" in the last paragraph. Very nice! Theres also some other good lines - loved the one about free-will and predestination and the one about getting laid in Bible camp. Unfortunately, there's also a lot I just don't get, and I feel that this may be due to the prose in which it is written (see below). |
| Concept: | 6 | The concept was basically okay - WWJD? Basically nothing that you want him to. I'd stick a little closer to this, and the part about what do we know about Jesus. The bit about what Jesus is procrastinating on didn't make a whole lot of sense; I'd junk most of it and canibalise the better lines to other parts of the article. Also, how about a section on what Jesus WOULD do? |
| Prose and formatting: | 4 | I hate to keep on at you about this, especially after my huge rant yesterday, but you really need to work on your editing skills. I can see you have a good sense of humour, but most of your gags are strangled by poorly constructed sentences and then buried in strangely organised paragraphs. Clarity is important because timing is important; if people have to spend too long interpreting a difficult bit of prose, then the joke loses its punch.
Oh, and pet peeve of mine, don't leave your sig on namespace pages. If you want to comment on an article, put it on the talk page. |
| Images: | 7 | The images were appropriate and amusing. Loved JC flipping the bird. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5.5 | Averaged. |
| Final Score: | 27.5 | I see you won N00b of the month, so clearly I'm not the only one who thinks you have potential, so work on the writing. Read clearly written prose, and think about how it is constructed. When reading your work, try to put yourself in the mindset of your audience. See if it makes sense to someone who is not privy to your thoughts. Think back to high school English lessons, and try to stay awake. |
| Reviewer: | --Cap'n Sir Ben GUN WotM VFH VFP 03:31, 2 June 2008 (UTC) | |
Thank you for the review Cap'n. I'll definitely be touching up this article up using your suggestions. I can't believe I forgot a section of what Jesus would do. I really do wish I were a better editor but I am just an old dirty whore and high school English was over a decade ago. After I edit this and have it proofread by my adopter I'll drop you a line so you can see the progression if you wish. Again, thanks and sorry it was so hard to read. It shall improve. --- Cheapinitreal (talk) 04:17, 2 June 2008 (UTC)