Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Mahm00shA/UnTweets:Osama Bin Laden
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User:Mahm00shA/UnTweets:Osama Bin Laden[edit source]
It failed PLS for "unrealised potential." • • 
• 
• 11:50, October 26, 2009 (UTC)
- I changed a couple of lines to make it look less teen-girl-y • • • • 18:37, October 30, 2009 (UTC)
- I saw Mahm00shA had asked me on my talk page to Pee Review this, so just came over to look it over. Looks like ChiefjusticeDS beat me to it. Ah well, he knows something about reviewing. King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court) 03:02, November 3, 2009 (UTC)
I'm in here now. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 15:51, November 2, 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 7 | Having never reviewed an UnTweet before this seemed quite an ambitious project, and after reading the featured ones and even making a Twitter account so I could see what real people post on Twitter I feel as though I am in a position to give you some pertinent feedback on this one. As I read through I thought that your humour wasn't too bad and I think that your ideas were pretty good. My main advice would be to try and do some more things with the humour, currently I felt there wasn't much to laugh at once you got past the fact that it is supposed to be Osama Bin Laden saying these things, while that is clearly an important part I think there should be some laughs in the text that don't rely on characterisation. For example, if you were doing Darth Vader's twitter feed (which I might write myself at some point) you wouldn't just say "I went on Call of Duty today" and rely on the mental image of Darth Vader playing Call of Duty, you would put in something else like "Going on call of duty, destroying a planet always make me want to pwn some n00bs." While what I just wrote isn't brilliant I hope that the point comes across, relying on people characterising text in their own heads is rarely a good idea, even when the character is such a crucial part of the article. I realise you don't have much space, but I think that this is really key to unlocking said potential. I think making it less teenage girl themed was a good move, perhaps playing up the "I hate my life" idea would be a much better move.
Other than, that my recommendation would be to take a look at some of the existing humour and perhaps try and rework some of that, have a look around the interwebs for some of the more popular sketches on Bin Laden and perhaps devote part of your article to him checking out how famous he is, you have already gone part of the way down the internet obsessed route so why not go all out with it, perhaps even have Osama following various celebrities on Twitter. Also, a more minor point the '(lvl 70+) joke doesn't seem to go anywhere, I would recommend developing it or getting rid of it completely. |
| Concept: | 8 | The idea is fine and your execution is OK. My main points are on your tone. The main thing I noticed was that your tone was a bit inconsistent at times. You don't seem to be 100% sure how you want to present him, as a frustrated leader or as a 1337 internet haxx0r who just happens to be an international terrorist. I would encourage you to decide on a tone and then work with that the whole time. This problem doesn't impact too drastically on the article itself but, it would be a good idea to fix it up. Try to also avoid being crude as it didn't seem to work with the tone, the times when you say things like "Masturbating to the thought that my dog is getting group blowjobs." It just doesn't sound as though it should be in the article as it is almost completely at odds with what we have already heard, I think that the key to a successful UnTweet is writing so that we can believe that it is the actual person talking even if it is a supposedly secret life that they are leading, the profanity and crudity didn't give me that impression, I would recommend you go back and take another look. |
| Prose and formatting: | 8 | Your spelling and grammar isn't too bad, I have corrected the issues that I noticed, but remember for your additions that even Tweets should have capital letters at the start and that the syntax should still work. Another thing I noticed was that your time line is a bit inconsistent at times, one instance I have corrected as I suspected it was a typo, but the other noticeable instance had me baffled; did you really intend an hour and a half to pass from him saying "His excuse is unacceptable. Therefore.." to him saying "I shot him"? As I was unsure whether this was intentional, if it is why the huge gap? Your formatting is fine, but the article feels very empty, so maybe an extra image could sort this out. |
| Images: | 7 | Now, I think your existing images are fine, but I would have liked more images of things beside Bin Laden, since most people know what he looks like, perhaps some images more along the vein of the final one would suit the article better. The captioning is also in need of some work, try to caption imaginatively and don't be shy of spending a great deal of time working on them as they are exceptionally important. I'm pretty confident that you can exercise better judgement than I can over new images, so I will leave you to do as you want with them. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 37 | Unrealised potential is the summary that I would give this one as well, as I read there were flashes of brilliance and I thought 'this could really be excellent'. What you need to do now is take the feedback and work on it some more. If you are unsure of where to take it next remember that you can easily just ask another user to take a look for you. My overall impression was good, it certainly wasn't a bad read and it had some excellent moments, you just need to bring them out. If you have any questions, comments or crisps the you can leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticeDS 20:30, November 2, 2009 (UTC) | |