| Humour:
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6.5
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Your Reviewer for today I like to start my reviews by letting people know how unqualified I am. I'm the current (for a couple more hours) NotM, and am nommed (for a couple more hours) as RotM. As for scripts, I've read probably over 100, and seen many, many productions.
I put my Humour and Prose and Formatting comments together so I don't repeat myself unnecessarily, but do score them separately.
Your introduction
- I like the set up of the group trying to take over the world. It's an often used plot, but that's because it works. There are some spelling issues throughout: "Chinese" and "Vietnamese." Also "other Americans" as written implies these national groups are all American. "Together, they will fight and defeat the evil S.P.U.N, save the world, and get all the bitches."--you don't need to give away your plot in the very beginning. I'd cut this part.
Scene One: Helicopter
- "Six soldiers sit in seats"--I'd like more description here and in other parts. For one thing, when I first read this section I didn't get that they were in a helicopter. Yes, it says that above, but the reader (me) might miss one word and not catch it unti he/she/it looks up and checks it. I'd like descriptions like I see in "real-life" scripts, where you describe the settings. That can give the reader a feeling of where he/she/it is. What does the helicopter look like, does it smell, how crowded are the men, etc.
- "Do their moms"--sorry, didn't find this funny. Maybe more subtlety, like "comfort their moms." "intellingence"--I won't comment on all misspellings in this, but I'd highly recommend using a spell checker, or maybe posting a {{Proofread}} tag at the top of your article AFTER you edit for content. Proofreading should be "I believe this is ready just need it checked for errors." "What if they're are a bitch, sergeant?"--should be "they are," and again I think something more subtle than "bitch" would work. This is supposed to be a military briefing, not an informal conversation, right? "...kill eveybody...."--I mention something about there being exceptions.
- Helicopter shakes up--I'd like some indication the guys can speak informally here--we suddenly went from them saying things like "sir yes sir" to this.
- "Lz is hot."--not everyone will know what "Lz" is.
Scene Two: Battlefield
- Where are we? Still in the helicopter? Or did we land somewhere?
- I rather like Nazi's surrendering in another language then getting shot.
- I like the medic getting shot, and "do we have a medic for the medic (question mark)."
- I like the taking a break part fine with the Doritos, but do think it would be good if this was foreshadowed, hinted at, in the beginning. Something about these guys loving Doritos and crunching them in the first scene, or something about them being concerned about how long it will take because they need their break time, or some such.
- Take out shot gun, blind shoots them dead--who did he shoot? Assuming this is a "he." Are these all men? If there was a woman present, it might have changed the "bitches" reaction. If they're all men, I'd make sure this is clear in the beginning, and maybe mention it again somewhere.
Scene Three: End of First Battle--Saying this is the first implies we're going to hear about a second, so I'd make this Scene Three: End of Battle.
- "guard there (should be their) area"
- I like the watch out for sniper/what sniper/gets shot bit. Nice.
Enemy sniper snipes 3 people in a row--what people?
- French Nazi 1: Shut up, you fool. Retreat! Retreat!
- Sgt Jackson: Heres our reinforcements.--with these two parts, we suddenly switch to a different group. This needs something to tell us this.
- Reinforcements arrive, and then kick every Nazi ass--suddenly, it's over, and our heros didn't do it. I'd like to know what happens. How do our heros react to being rescued? What do the rescuers/reinforcements think of the incompentent heros?
Scene Four: The Bar
- This read like "This article needs some sort of ending so I'll tack something on." There's potential for humour here, and I'd like to see it developed. Also what happened to the bitches? You set that up in the beginning, then never did anything with it. Personally, I'd either cut out the references to having sex with the women, or put something in the ending that's funny--I wouldn't find a rape scene funny here, but maybe how the woman love the men for rescusing them from their crazy sons and fathers, or are beating them with their purses, or something. (I'm not saying either one of these suggestions is funny, by the way, it's just to give you an idea).
Your Humour score is mixed. What I found funny I really liked, and would rate higher. But to me there's not enough laughs.
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00:24, October 19, 2009 (UTC)