Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:Dungeons and Dragons: The Movie(resubmit)

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UnScripts:Dungeons and Dragons: The Movie

Alright, after a truly monstrous edit, I'd like for my article to be reviewed again. Here's to hoping it's good "crosses fingers" Gas Pump 20:15, 30 March 2009 (UTC) Gas Pump 20:15, 30 March 2009 (UTC)

Tagstit   doesn't believe in new fancy-pancy toilet systems with running water and all. Just a hole in the ground with a lil' cover will do. Now gimme' your article and I'll be done in a few minutes. While you are welcome to review this, I suggest you find another article in need of help so that we can clear the ever growing Pee Request list.

WOOT! 50th review right here! I will try to be as helpful as possible to get this on the front page. A little heads up though, I have only read the intro so far and I was cracking up, I hope it isn't just a good beginning. ~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 22:54, 30 March 2009 (UTC)

Humour:	5	Like I said, HILARIOUS! I was reading this in class and was cracking up a few times and was afraid I would get in trouble. But things do get lost along the way. It starts off bold and strong with the trailer. The trailer alone, would recieve a 8 or 9 for humor as it is simple, and purely funny. This is perfect as it draws your reader in from just reading a few lines and from then on they can read more if they please. BUT! A problem with such a strong start is that anything lower than it will be a disappointment, and even stuff that would normally be funny, wouldn't match the already set expectations. Do you follow? Like, a hamburger is good right? But if you had a full on filet mignon then a hamburger, the hamburger would be a bit of a disappointment. How do you fix this? Well for one thing you could always remove the trailer. Very bad idea though as it is the strongest part of your article. You could always change up your middle. What I mean by this, is that all of your trailer is in your script, and it doesn't really need to be that way. An easier way to explain this would be the following. Have you ever seen a movie that looks hilarious because the trailer has tons of really funny jokes in it? But when you get to the movie itself, you find that all the humor was in the commercial and everything else just wasn't funny? Thats what I am finding here. For example, when the Dungeonmaster squints and says, rollll frank, it is funny. But after the second time, it isn't especially with no supporting jokes around it. I suggest you either, one add jokes around the ones you already have that are more funny than the ones in the trailer, or two, change the ones that are already in the trailer out for new ones.
Concept:	6	Not much to say here, there are MANY dungeon and dragon nerdy references in movies, shows, and other articles so I can't say this is incredibly creative. You use an interesting take with it though and it really helps. I think you could have made it better by making it a bit clearer, and I will hopefully help you out with that in the prose section.
Prose and formatting:	2	OUCH! LOOOOTS of bad things here. Your weakest point in this all. I will just make this section a giant list that you should go down and fix. Most NEEDS to be fixed, some is what I would do. Change the KEvin in "KEvin: Good thing I'm not a l-loser like you are!" and "KEvin: 13... Plus my 5 Initiative mod from my MASSIVE Dexterity bonus is 18," to Kevin. Im pretty sure you need periods everywhere at the end of a sentence after an action is being described, for example "Dice hit the table", should have a period at the end I think. Dungeonmaster: We... Roll for initiative.' shouldn't have the ' at the end. "Sam: Of course they have, But, But! She's a Girl!" should be, "Of course they have but...but...she's a girl!" "Allright, I'll Do it" should be "Alright, I'll do it." "I need an Adult! I NEED AN ADULT!" Should be "I need an adult! I NEED AN ADULT!" "the basement, we'll be able to play down there." I am tired of listing all this stuff but that is a start, most of your problems are basic punctuation and capitalization. Just read it yourself to catch them. Also there are many random symbols in places they shouldn't be, probably placed by accident. Cleanup Tips: Get rid of links for names Bold every name, so instead of Frank:, its Frank:. I find this to be much neater when it is all done. For every action, make it small and italicized, as opposed to just italicized. So instead of He ran under the table, its He ran under the table To make things smaller just type <small>He ran under the table.</small> Get rid of ALLLL red links. Don't write "A tall, skinny guy:" just write their names, otherwise itll get too confusing for the reader. That's about it for now.
Images:	5	Decent. Again, what's to be expected. The first two, again can be found in the trailer. The one with dice are alright but the warning and pirate thing can go I think. Not too much I can say more about pictures though. Maybe one with them in the basement? If you need help ask Sonje and she might help you with a picture or two.
Miscellaneous:	10	Realized the score was alot lower than I thought it'd be.
Final Score:	28	That's about it. I know you were probably expecting a more positive review, but scores don't matter, they're just what I personally think, but the advice is what you should care about. I hope I helped! If you have any questions feel free to ask me on my talk page. Good luck!
Reviewer:	~SirTagstit • VFH • NotM • PEEING • CPT • RotM • BFF 23:50, 30 March 2009 (UTC)