Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Signing delayed after Guitar Legend is attacked by man wielding mash potato
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UnNews:Signing delayed after Guitar Legend is attacked by man wielding mash potato[edit source]
Just a quickie that needs reviewing, my first thrust at relaying the "news" to you all. --Writey 22:44, September 21, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | Hi Writey! Hope you're well. This is a decent UnNews; the humour is pretty good, but it could be better. There aren't really that many jokes in there, it's just a fairly dry account of a bizarre event. This can be funny sometimes, but the event has to be really inherently hilarious in itself. There is some decent stuff in the beginning about Epsom, but it's a bit too stereotypical to make me laugh out loud. You need more punchlines. To make people laugh with written humour you have to go against their expectations. Being made to laugh is basically the same as being surprised. My favourite joke at the moment is this: "how many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a penis?" It's funny because of the twist. Try to work things like this into your prose whenever you can. This isn't the only way to do written humour of course, but I think for an article like this, that isn't particularly satirical or groundbreaking, it's probably your best option. Although to be honest as it's just an UnNews you're probably best using this advice for your next article rather than sweating too much over this. |
| Concept: | 5 | This is probably what lets you down the most. When I first read the article I didn't know the source and thought it was fairly interesting. Then when I checked the source I realised that you'd actually changed very little. I originally guessed that perhaps in the original story Slash actually got smashed, and the potato thing was a joke. That would have been clever and satirical. Perhaps it would have been better if you'd reversed it? So in your story he actually got smashed, but you could litter it the potato jokes. As with the punchlines, you've got to twist the concept: take the idea and go somewhere clever or unexpected. The problem with the article you've got here is that it's just a mildly amusing story that you've made slightly more mildly amusing. You've not really done anything wrong, it's the source letting you down. The best advice would be to pick a better one next time, and also to go further with the changes you make to it. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | Yeah man, your prose is good. It's not very newsy but if that's how you want to do it then that's fine with me. At times you use unnecessary adverbs/adjectives which just clog up the text. "Hollowly" springs to mind as an example. You also have a slightly clumsy way of describing things at times. Like "tip-toeing tactfully between splodges of mash potato". This could be much clearer, simpler and more graceful by just saying something like "one eye witness said, surrounded by splodges of mash potato". Remember to write as clearly and as simply as possible at all times (unless that's the joke). |
| Images: | 4 | Just one, but that's ok for a newspiece. The problem with this one is it's quality. SPIKE always used to say "I need a picture that will sell papers!" You know, pictures of Spiderman flashing his knickers as he gets out a car; that kind of thing. He has a good point; you've only got one or two chances for pics with news, make them extra-fucking-good. Some people prioritise humour, some prioritise aestheticism, but, either way, a picture of a fat guy doing nothing doesn't cut it. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | Average. Like me. |
| Final Score: | 28 | So overall a nice piece of work. My main advice would be to learn from the things that aren't so good and implement them in your next piece. This article will probably never be amazing, but then, most UnNewses aren't. Many are only as good as their source story, so as I've said it isn't you who is to blame. In future I would also aim to get more gags in there. Anyway, it's nice to see you around, hope you keep writing, Writey! I hope the review is ok. Leave me a message some time. |
| Reviewer: | --Black Flamingo 00:10, November 12, 2011 (UTC) | |