Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Deranged scientist shocks world, himself
UnNews:Deranged scientist shocks world, himself[edit source]
PoopManPoop 21:11, May 17, 2011 (UTC)
- I'm on it. --
15:44, May 18, 2011 (UTC)
- Sweet.--PoopManPoop 10:23, May 19, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 4 | Okay, so I understand that you're a new user, and I understand that it can be hard when you first start, but I must say that this article needs quite a bit of work. The biggest problems are the fact that ninety percent of this is nonsense, and the fact that there is way to much going on in each paragraph (especially the second one) and they all seem underdeveloped, which results in a whole pile of one-liners that aren't particularly funny.
As for the first paragraph, it's just OK. Like I said above, there is a lot of nonsense in here which can be funny, if used correctly, but most of the time it's just confusing, as it is in this article. So a lot of the stuff in this first paragraph doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. For example, the first sentence is quite confusing. I had to read it two or three times before I got what you were trying to say. That is really bad. If there is any sentence that you need to be clear it's the first one. The way I see it, the first sentence needs to sum up the whole article, which yours does not. The fact that this sentence is so confusing may be the fact that it's a run-on sentence. Because, to be completely honest, the first sentence takes up a third of the first paragraph. Now, that being said, this isn't your only run-on sentence in the whole article, most of your sentences are run-on sentences. Run-on sentences are super confusing. Stay away from them. Another thing that you need to look at is the fact that Stephen Hawkings was, "laughing disbelievingly and pointing towards the cage of trained dancer penguins" the man's a paraplegic, it's just not possible. Now I must give you some praise, I think the idea that Stephen Hawkings has die hard fans could be really funny. But I also think it was poorly executed. What you need to do is try to expand on what you already have and maybe change it a little. Maybe something like, "And while trying to fight off the literally hundreds of fan girls throwing themselves at him, realised he'd said too much and switched to his regular, "We are still looking for the neutrinos and other sub-particles which might help us in our pursuit for answers"." Okay, so that may not be all that hilarious, but I hope you can see what I was trying to do. You'll of course need more than that, but you certainly need something. Also, the last two sentences don't really make sense, and I don't really see how they relate. If I were you, I'd remove them. Now I move on to the second paragraph: This is by far the worst paragraph. It's got way to much going on. What you need to do (and to be fair, the whole article would benefit from some of this) is cut it down, find two or three ideas that relate to the main topic per paragraph (maybe even less) that you think would be good to expand on, and expand on them. Take a look at this article (yes, I wrote it. Don't call me self righteous because I like my own article) do you see how I picked one idea per paragraph that relates to the main topic, and stuck with that until the next paragraph? Also, that part about Stephen Hawkings having to "take a dump" really isn't the pinochle of comedy. What I mean is, I find that most people over the age of six don't find poop jokes funny anymore. Just saying. Third paragraph: I like this paragraph in the fact that is makes sense. But I'll tell you what I don't like: The fact that Stephen Hawkings somehow figured out how to communicate with penguins. I find that you usually can't suspend the layer of disbelief that much without your article coming off as random shit. Of course whenever you write an article you're going to have to suspend the layer of disbelief a little, but I don't believe you can suspend it that muck with out your article becoming... well... bad. Always remember that. And last but not least, the fourth paragraph! In my humble opinion, this is the best paragraph of them all. It does well satire-wise, it makes sense, and it's funny. The only thing I don't like is the last sentence. "Either way, remember, if you are going to take guns to a penguin fight, make sure you win." why is that random piece of information there? It really doesn't sound that newsy. You may want to rethink your last sentence. |
| Concept: | 4 | I'm not really sure what the concept is, actually. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, it's about Stephen Hawkings claiming that penguins are gonna take over the world. Am I right? If so, that's kinda a random concept. But, if you do keep this concept I would recommend changing the title to something like, "UnNews:Stephen Hawkings: "Penguins are going to take over the world!" or, "UnNews:Penguins planning takeover, according to Stephen Hawkings" Ya know what I mean? Try to change it to something that makes more sense. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5 | Like I've said before, this article is confusing. The reason is that most of the sentences are run-on sentences. What you need to do is start using punctuation other than commas and periods. Read this and this to start. You'll learn while being entertained. It's like being here, but without all rules and admins and users and fights and dickery and the fact that it's not a wiki or affiliated with Wikia in anyway what-so-ever... okay, so maybe it's not at all like being here, but you should still read them.
Also, this is just a style thing, but usually quotes should be italic. What I mean is, quotes should look like this: "Penis Penis Penis Penis." not this: "Penis Penis Penis Penis.". See what I mean? Oh! And you also need an original template under a "Sources" header at the bottom of your page. The code will look like this: == Sources == {{Original}} Just copy and paste that onto the bottom of the page and you'll be A-OK. |
| Images: | 4 | The image is... OK. The caption is also just OK. I mean, there's nothing really wrong with it, it just seems kind of... plain. In my opinion images are the most important part of an UnNews. Just think about it; in an UnNews you only use maybe... three images at the most. So it is critical that your images are great in an UnNews. That's my opinion, anyway. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4.25 | Your score averaged. |
| Final Score: | 21.25 | So this article is a little shabby as of now, it'll need quite a bit of rewriting before it's ready to go back into mainspace. But I think you can do it. I hope you have a good time rewriting this; I can't wait to see it blossom. If you have any questions or comments just drop me a line. Good luck! |
| Reviewer: | -- 22:05, May 19, 2011 (UTC)
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