Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Danny Devito reported alive in his home.
UnNews:Danny Devito reported alive in his home.[edit source]
Well, this could be considered my comeback article on Uncyclopedia. Hopefully you all find my humor funnier now than you did 3 years ago. Don't get me wrong, though, you had every right to not think I was funny then. I was downright HORRIBLE. But, I've gotten funnier since then, and I think this is a good curveball to throw as a way for me to start getting back into the swing of things here at Uncyclopedia. Hope you like it. This is something I wrote for my personal website a while back with the intention of putting it on here eventually. Do you think I'm showing potential to be noob of the month?
Reubnick 20:18, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | I like the concept a lot, but the execution is just slightly weakened by what I consider weak language. I think this damages the humor a bit, below its potential. The issue is that it isn't reporterly enough. We can strengthen the language of the peice, and therefor I believe the amusement of it.
Examples: Awkward: After an extremely involved search spanning all of California, a reliable source has confirmed that investigators have found Danny Devito alive in his Beverly Hills home. Better: After an extensive search throughout California, investigators have found veteran actor Danny Devito alive in his Beverly Hills home. Notice also the reporterly way I intro the subject ("veteran actor") - it's these little things that make a difference, that go toward making it look like an actual news article. There are a few other such examples, and I can work with you directly on them if you like. |
| Concept: | 8 | It's an amusing little concept, perhaps not brilliant but certainly a fun idea. Satirically it is strong, shedding light as it does on our celebrity death obsession. Good call. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | This is weakened a little bit by iffy paragraphing. I know the news articles very often have one sentence paragraphs, but they tend to be introductory. Let's combine some of the really short paragraphs. Also, get rid of the red links. If you don't have an article to link to, either lose the link or tell a side joke by linking to something that might be funny (i.e. Danny Devito). The picture layout needs a little work as well. |
| Images: | 6 | The large picture is good, but lose the "like I keep saying" blurb in the caption - I think it is funnier here to remain reporterly, rather than step outside and "meta-comment" like that. The smaller picture adds nothing to the piece. In fact, the article could simply do without it if you can't come up with a good joke for it. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | A bit above average to lift it slightly, because the whole is better than the parts. |
| Final Score: | 33 | This has very good potential. See if you can strengthen it by paying attention to the writerliness of it - think: what would a real news copy editor suggest? I think it's worth it. The only problem is it was timelier when you wrote it, wasn't it? Not to worry, there will be other rashes of celebrity deaths in the future. They always die in threes. |
| Reviewer: | Globaltourniquet - (was TPLN) 18:00, September 18, 2009 (UTC) | |