Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:21-year-old black man successfully poses as newborn baby
UnNews:21-year-old black man successfully poses as newborn baby[edit source]
Ok I worked hard on this don't be blunt PoopManPoop 22:19, May 21, 2011 (UTC)
- I got this one, per PoopManPoop's request. --
11:17, May 22, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | Hey man, how ya doing? Alright. So, I was very impressed with this article. What I mean is, this article is very funny compared to your first one, and let's face it, funny is funny. This one also actually satires something! Like that part about beating the man being beat up because he was black, fuckin' hilarious. That being said, there is a lot to work on. I don't usually like to do this on UnNewses, but your articles seem to need it. So I'll go through paragraph by paragraph again, Here I go:
Okay, so the first paragraph is fairly well written. There's something about "mid yesterday" that made me laugh. Which is good, a laugh right in the first sentence, good job. But one thing that bothers me is that it says that he got inside the womb of a woman and stayed there for nine months yesterday. How did he do that all in one day? It should probably say something more along the lines of, "Somewhere around mid yesterday, a Mrs. Monica Jordan geve birth to a 21-year-old man named Julious Threatts. Who somehow managed to get inside her womb nine months before." Do you see how that doesn't make is sound like it all happened in one day, as it does now? Another thing that may prove to be problematic is that, and this is true for the whole article, too, there are not really that many "jokes" in there. It's more just the silliness of the whole thing that makes you laugh. Now for the second paragraph, this paragraph seems kind of useless. Maybe you could expand more? Maybe you could talk about weather or not she has other children, or who the father supposedly was. Just something, anything to make that paragraph seem more significant. Third paragraph: This paragraph is... er... odd. Claiming insanity? She's not on trial. How does that make sense? Also, as I said before, I feel like you could've gone farther with the Mr. Jordan thing. Just saying. Fourth paragraph: This paragraph is just OK. What I mean is it's not the funniest thing in the world, but it isn't that bad either. It is a little hard to understand, though. Especially that last sentence. Maybe you could make it funnier by putting in a quote from one of the leaders of one of the groups. I don't know, maybe something like, ""The lord has sent us a big baby!" Said Cory Sessions, founder of They grow up so fast a religious group focused on the message of god hidden in this indecent, "It means judgement day is near! Hunker down for the Apocalypse! Hunker down..." That could work... Paragraph five: This paragraph is (for the most part) fine. It's funny, but I can't help feeling like it's a little bit underdeveloped. you've got all these different quotes, but they are a little short. Maybe try to develop them a little more and see where you can go. Also, having a quote from the oracle seems a little stupid for an UnNews. Like I said in my last review, can't suspend that layer of disbelief all too much. And now, the last paragraph! This is the best paragraph, in my opinion. Like I said, I like that part about him being beat up because he's black. And that part about him wanting "the left rack", to die for. I can't find anything I'd change. Great job. |
| Concept: | 7 | Wow, the concept is... well... amazing. What I mean is, you've really hit gold here. I can't tell you how much I laughed when I saw the article that inspired this, and what you pulled from it.
The only thing I have to say, is you don't really keep a consistent tone throughout the whole article. This may sound silly, but one day you may be in a really bad or sarcastic mood, and write really sarcastically. But the next you may be in a really good mood, and write that way. So one day, after you're done rewriting it, you may want to do through and fix any tone consistency errors. That'll help. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | The prose seems fine (except for those tone consistency errors I talked about), and even though you still have some of those run-on sentences, I'm more willing to give you a higher score because they aren't confusing like they were before (but you should still get them fixed). Other than that, you don't seem to have any spelling or grammar errors, but you may want to run the article through a spelling and grammar checker, just in case.
Also, quotes are usually supposed to be italic. The only other thing is you kind of misuse "that said". What I mean is you talk about something (Mrs. Jordan avoiding a question) then say, "that said" and talk about a completely different topic (Mr Jordan refusing to comment). When using, "that said" the two topics kind of have to relate. For example you could've said, "When Mrs. Jordan was asked to explain how this happened, she convincingly plead insanity, though there would have been a large number of other things that she could have done to avoid the awkward question. That said, everyone agrees that she actually is insane." That would've worked. |
| Images: | 6 | It's a good image, but the caption seems like you couldn't come up with anything to say. Maybe you could talk about how he was born fully clothed. Maybe something along the lines of, "Here is the first photograph of newborn Chad Jordan in the hospital backyard. The doctors let him in the backyard after he requested to go out for a "cigarette brake" and to take some pictures for his blog. He said he wanted his readers to see him in his "birthday suit", he was obviously referring to his black tee-shirt, baggy jean shorts and gold chain (or "bling bling")" That may not be the funniest thing in the world, but I think it's better than what you have now. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | My overall "feel" of the article. |
| Final Score: | 33 | So like I said, I really like this, and would like to see it on VFH sometime soon. But not before you fix somethings, and put the work into it. Good luck! |
| Reviewer: | -- 01:36, May 24, 2011 (UTC)
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