This one was fun working on audio for the play by play section Lordarcadian 17:54, July 24, 2010 (UTC)
Lordarcadian 17:54, July 24, 2010 (UTC)
- I got this... --Some Idiot
05:16, July 26, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour:
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8
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Some good humor here, however definite improvements can be made.
- Introduction: Well written, and although it has humor in it there were definitely some moments where I thought you should add in some good one liners - stuff about how stupid the engineers had been, and some dry comment about the lifeboats - "Did they think half of the people were actually half fish that could swim in freezing cold depths?". There are a few chances here to add in things like that. However it is a good paragraph.
- Construction: Very good paragraph, although starts off a bit dull. 10,000 convicted sex offenders and drug addicts? I don't know - it doesn't fit in with the rest of the paragraph.
- Features: Hm.. I was expecting a twist at the end, but it wasn't to be. I think all that detailing the amazing features of the first class should end in something short and snappy. "What a waste - at least the fish still use it now". Something like that at least.
- Lifeboats: Not funny until the Belfast bit, and ends badly. I think you can do much better then this, considering the quality of the rest of the article. The ending needs to be the same sort of thing I said in the last paragraph - short and snappy. If you get the ending right I think it will make this paragraph better overall.
- Pumps: Good ending, although change the final sentence to: afloat in a emergency. In the end, however, God proved them wrong.
- Sea Trials: Good, although instead of saying that it was cancelled, you should say that all went well - however, this may have been due to the fact that they had tested it in a place with no unnecessary icebergs . Keep the ending, though.
- Maiden Voyage: Good but short. Can you tell us more about the actual journey? Were there any other events?
- Sinking: Good, a few things here, though:
- After describing the scene state 'it looked exactly like that scene from Pirates of the Caribbean' or 'if it hadn't been for the believable acting anyone would of thought it was the setting for a lame Disney movie'.
- State that the reason why he couldn't receive the text message from the other ship was because of bad Telstra coverage in the middle of the Atlantic
- Join the second and third paragraph together
- Final Minutes: Why have you called this 'play by play'? I don't understand. Maybe you do but I don't, so I suspect a few others won't either. This is funny but the sudden change from Wikipedia-styled informative language to a commentary is quite weird. I know it's pretty cool but you have to make the transition. Start by saying that the whole incident was broadcasted live to television and commentated by Andy Gray, well known football commentator. Also, turn the commentary to a large quote, by starting it with a {{Cquote| and ending with }}.
- Survivors, victims and statistics: Not much of a section, but ok. Because of this, I think you should label this part 'Aftermath:', and write a bit about the aftermath of the event, including this table at the start.
- See Also: Hilarious! Best part of the article - I almost died laughing. Well... not exactly.
CONCLUSION: Some very good humor here. Make the adjustments and the score should go up to a 9.
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| Concept:
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8
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Good concept and I can't believe there isn't already a page on this. You've done a lot with this although you SHOULD do something on the aftermath as I mentioned above, and detail the actual journey a bit more, just to beef up the article a bit.
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| Prose and formatting:
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6
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Doesn't look ugly. However, a few points...
- Move the picture of the iceberg smashing the ship to the right
- Make sure there is only a single space between the title and text
- When you write 'I', make sure it has a capital letter
- Fix up your brackets. I.e. minutes( play by play) becomes minutes (play by play)
- Add links (be careful about which words you link, it can change the tone of each sentence)
- Change ===Maiden Voyage=== to ==Maiden Voyage==
With the prose, you kept the same style of tone and wording throughout, except for the bit I mentioned in the humor section.
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| Images:
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4
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Picture 1: Don't really understand the humor in this one. Maybe add on in the caption something about how bad the drawing was? I don't know.
Picture 2: Very good.
Picture 3: Wait, that's it? No a map of it's journey, no picture or drawing of the boat itself, it's captain, passengers, place of departure, the iceberg, wreckage... you have to have more images then this! Sorry, but I can't give you a high score with a section that you've completely neglected. You could easily stuff this page full of good pictures with humorous captions - you just haven't gone to the effort.
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| Miscellaneous:
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7.5
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With the necessary adjustments this overall score could go up to a nine.
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| Final Score:
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33.5
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A very good article, but the score here is low because you have no pictures and another point or two could definitely be added to humor and formatting with my advice. The improvements I have detailed here it will take it up the notch and finish it for good. Maaaaaybe good enough for VFH - but as I do not know the thoughts of the Uncyclopedia public I can't say for sure. I hoped that helped.
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| Reviewer:
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--Some Idiot 06:39, July 26, 2010 (UTC)
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06:39, July 26, 2010 (UTC)