Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The First Lunar-American War
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The First Lunar-American War[edit source]
Well, I'm fairly satisfied with what I have so far, but I need an effective way to close out the article, and I'd like to base it off of the current event that I'm spoofing, aka the NASA probe crashing into the moon. I also thought about tying in Obama's Nobel Peace Prize into the article, but haven't yet, any suggestions?
Skinfan13 14:52, October 15, 2009 (UTC)
I enjoyed the article. Random thoughts:
- Far be it from me to discourage anyone from making fun of Obama, but the initial premise--suspicion, despite clear lack of certainty, that an adversary is arming, begs for a tie-in to the Bush-WMD brouhaha, perhaps with specific parallels with Iraq, perhaps proceeding as though you had read newspapers from the start of the Iraq war and mistook Iraq for the moon. Where's Joe Wilson (Valerie Plame's husband, not the "You Lie!" Congressman)?
- To the extent that you involve Obama, such as in the initial quote or in the speech to the UN, you have him saying vanilla statesmanlike stuff. This is not funny, it is unlike Obama, and it misses a great chance to have fun at Obama's expense. Remember, he apologizes for America's past, right up to the day he took the Oath, touts his willingness to talk to everyone without precondition, and vaguely refers to his adversaries (by name). Using Obama as a President placeholder is boring. Describing the real Obama can't help but be hilarious. Why didn't Obama snub Israel to try to get on the Moon's good side? That's one of many possible directions for this.
- Absolutely tie in Obama's Peace Prize and the extreme lack of results that preceded it; also the worry in the US that the timing of the award was meant to tie his hands on Afghanistan. In your story, surely Obama gets the Prize just as the canisters are on their way to the moon, the Nobel committee blathers about his peacemaking even though he's launched weapons; and he dithers, speechifies, tries to take it back, and tries to spin the impact when it happens.
- You also have the UN acting much more serious and decisive than it is. A single one-month disarmament period? No easily fooled "inspectors"? No attempts by the US and UN to have each other do the heavy lifting?
- Underground armaments on the moon begs for comparison to Iran. Obama just asked the military to get the "bunker-buster" bomb ready again, leading to suspicion he meant Iran.
- Remember, in the real-life NASA probe, both canister and instrumentation collided with the Moon (a double salvo). (PS--Shouldn't be hard to relate a spacecraft taking movies of the first impact with Obama's notorious obsession with himself and his press coverage.)
- It's not that important how the article ends, as the story is ongoing. But the final section analyzes the "conflict" at face value. Better to emphasize that everyone involved was a fool. You haven't even begun to mention how the military screws everything up and only wins wars because the other militaries are worse!
Marvelous potential to keep having fun with this; keep at it! Spıke ¬ 04:33, October 16, 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 2 | Very many wasted opportunities at humor by reference to current events. You are thinking too much about a real war and how it might go, and too little about what fools the entire cast of characters are. |
| Concept: | 5 | |
| Prose and formatting: | 5 | Why does the moon's flag have red-and-white stripes? It should be as barren as the moon is. Shorten the title ("Lunar War" or "War against the Moon") and you may get more readers. |
| Images: | 5 | |
| Miscellaneous: | 8 | |
| Final Score: | 25 | Don't take seriously my number grades. The real review is in prose (above). I'm just filling out this form to complete the review process. I love current-events humor and would like to contribute to this article in the future. |
| Reviewer: | Spıke ¬ 18:08, October 16, 2009 (UTC) | |