Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/That kid at the mall
That kid at the mall[edit source]
Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! 02:18, March 8, 2011 (UTC)
- I'm about to finish another review, so I'm going to call this one now because everytime I wait, someone else grabs it right when I'm getting to it.--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)
22:07, March 8, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 3 | All in all, I didn't find this article very amusing. There's really no flow or story in this article, and it feels more like you're just listing off characteristics of the kid by starting nearly every sentence with "He is..., He will..., He might..." Most of the things you list off aren't even funny or connected with 'that kid at the mall.' For example, this sentence, "He is usually seen with his parents fighting over a toy, or a pack of gum, or porn." I don't know what mall you go to, but I've never seen a kid begging his parents to buy him porn...well, not a little kid at least. It would be better to say something at least less straightforward, something that makes the act seem sinister, but still makes the kid keep his innocence, something like. "fighting over a game, a pack a gum, or an 'adult' toy, even though he's been told 10 times that those kinds of toys wouldn't be fun...until he's older at least."
I also don't really see any of your jokes to have a cliche attitude towards those kids at the malls. Are all their moms chubby with marks on their face (what does that even mean?)? Do they all drive beat-up Pontiacs (you're talking about kids, not broke red-necks)? Have you actually seen what these kids are riding in, have you actually seen this kids? If you actually have, you should probably switch malls. Now, I'm not sure how to tell you to work on your humour, with this issue, I can only provide suggestions, but that's about it. For one, I would try looking up what most people think a stereotypical child at the mall is like and then maybe even ask other people what they think, because right now, it looks like you came up with most of the things in here with your imaginattttion. Sorry, I always say imaginatttttion like that whenever possible. Is that weird? Probably. You should also look to add punchlines at the end of your sentences or at least include a joke somewhere in it, otherwise, the sentence is pointless. Right now, you have plenty of sentences that are just...there. They're not funny, and they don't really contribute to the article, like here, "He lives in that street close to the park. You see him there too, complaining to his mom that he's tired." Was this supposed to be funny? I'd love to re-word it for you, but I'm not even sure if the section that it's in is even necessary. You only have this one paragraph and that makes up the entire section. Either delete it or add something else. In all honesty, it seems that the entire article suffers from three main problems: 1. Your formatting is a disaster, no other way to put it, I'm sorry. You have broken up sentences and fail to use conjunctions. Whenever you do use conjunctions, you put a period before them. Combine your sentences and re-word them, otherwise, the sentence will not have a flow and will be tough to read. Your formatting in your Fuck ChiefJusticeDS for example, was a lot better than the one you did here, so I know you can do it. 2. Most of your stereotype comments aren't that funny. Half the things you said about the kid don't come up in my mind when I think about a kid at the mall. I think of a whiny kid who is screaming and making everyone around feel uncomfortable as he swipes everything off the shelves to the floor and begins wailing on the floor. The kid you described feels more like a perverted demon child raised by country folk who don't get out much. I'm not sure how to help you improve this other than to look at better examples of kids in malls and go from there. 3. You have a lot of unnecessary sentences. I provided some examples above, so you should look to fixing that. This issue could probably be fixed when you work at the formatting and combine many of these sentence; then you should be able to add some jokes or at least make the sentence seem a little more important to the section at hand. |
| Concept: | 5 | It's a decent comment, I suppose. You could have handled it a lot better, so I can't really give you that many points for it. I've outlined the main issues above so just check it out and your grade in concept should get bigger if you improve on those issues. |
| Prose and formatting: | 4.5 | I really took points off because of the formatting of this article. You have divide sentences that realllly cut down on the humour; you need to use some conjunctions or connectors, because it looks like a 3rd grade report about Summer Vacation right now. I'm not sure how to express this any deeper, you just need to connect the sentences, like here, "That kid at the mall is a boy who is still a minor. He is very short in size. He has a high pitched voice, regardless of age." Do something like, "That kid at the mall is a short, high-pitched minor with a bad temper problem." You cut down on the sentences, connect them, and even have a chance to give that sentence a final joke, which I failed to do. I think that's a good enough example.
I also noticed a couple of spelling errors here and there and some issues with capitalization, so you might want to review your article again and weed those out. |
| Images: | 3.5 | The only really relevant picture I saw was that first one, and the caption for it wasn't really funny. I'll just talk about them one-by-one.
The kid in the chair: So, it's a relevant enough picture, but your caption fails to grip the reader with any humour. Right now, you have, "That kid at the mall in a moment of anger. He probably was told "no" into getting a toy." Maybe if you added a joke at the end like, "Either that, or his parents chloroformed the brat and left him there for social services." I think you could probably come up with something a lot better than this, so just take a swing at it. The kid looking at games: I'm not sure what that kid in the background had to do with the article, and I also think that you should have a picture of a more angry child, because this Asian kid seems pretty content. I'll let you look to improve this one, if you want to of course. That mascot thing: So, this picture is a little more relevant, but I think you could easily find another picture of a child who is crying or upset in the laps of Santa or something, cause these kids don't look to upset. They look ok with having their picture taken, which counters what you are saying in the section about the picture. You could also insert a better caption like, "Smile Billy...I SAID SMILE GODDAMIT," or something like that. You might also consider adding another picture, although I don't think this is entirely necessary, but I think it might help. Maybe a picture of kid crying or wailing to his parents? |
| Miscellaneous: | 3.8 | I profusely apologize if I came off critical or like an ass, but this article isn't the best I've ever read. I seriously suggest looking at my suggestions and even making some edits on your own, because this article really needs some work to make it a lot better. |
| Final Score: | 19.8 | So that's about it, I hope I was able to help you out a little bit with improving the article. If you have an questions, comments, bomb threats, etc. just jump over to my talkpage and I'll be glad to handle/defuse them. Also, if you need help with proofreading or spell checking, you can leave me a message in the designated area on my talkpage as well. Anyways, good luck and once again, hope I could help. Adios |
| Reviewer: | --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  21:45, March 9, 2011 (UTC)
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