| Humour:
|
7
|
The score is my overall indication of how good I feel the humor is in this article right now. Overall, this is good, but it does need improvement in certain areas. Section-by-section:
- Lede: The quotes wouldn't actually hurt, except they're kind of irrelevant to the main topic of the article. There isn't much expansion about the stuff mentioned in either of the quotes. About the actual content, meh. It doesn't seem to establish any central concept (except in the very last sentence, which I really like), as it normally should, and I dislike the stuff about what organisms it is related to. This is mainly because there doesn't seem to be a clear point why it is there. I may be missing something. If I am, you should make it more obvious what it's really meant for. Same for the thing about them being rodents.
- Natural Habitat: This is generally a really good section. I really should discourage the thing about British people, but it was too funny. I would like a bit of expansion here; why are they miserable? Why are they small, etc.? There is potential to make this section better by adding something about that.
- Reproduction:Good, except for one thing: It says that the "motives are unclear" but you give a funny explanation for it above, (Being mad that she's pregnant) so it's inconsistent. Also, another thing: This is less of something you need and more of something I would like- why does the female spider tend to lean towards lesbianism?
- Spider webs: Sigh, I have expressed my feelings about list form many times before. I think the whole list thing can be eliminated if you just put those into paragraphs and say something like "For example, <stuff here>" in the beginning. OK, so my list rant is over. The thing with orb webs seems to be more about spider webs in general, and less about a specific web. I'm honestly not sure to suggest here, so let's move on. The funnel webs thing seems to have very little humor here- frankly, I was a bit disappointed. The Google maps thing was nice, but slightly predictable. When hinting at a joke, you shouldn't wait for so many words/sentences- the effect is hurt. I expected the joke about the webs being big. The next item is the same as the second one- very little humor, more of a description. =/ I liked the thing about agonizing death, but I felt like it was the only thing in there to laugh at.
- Human and Spider coexistence: Hm, the beginning seems a bit inconsistent with the "vicious" theme, but that's minor. Anyway, I was a bit confused by this part- probably because of the phrasing. Retards such as me have trouble understanding subtlety that is too subtle. I think you were trying to say that humans killed the spiders- but you said they were killed "for experiments" before, and not just for pleasure, so I become lost. I would like you to HELPME understand this better- clarify their intentions, and make sure not to contradict yourself.
- The Spider Uprising: What does that prophecy have to do with race? Minor thing, just a thought. I really have no other helpful suggestions here, so let's move on, shall we?
- Bite Symptoms: I thought humans and spiders were fighting. Why would we cuddle them? Removing that would help the tone- there are still-funny replacements, though. You just have to think of them, heh. And that's more listy stuff down there. I frankly don't see the point of the "God spider" thing. The other two have a basis of of something, which makes them a little better in my eyes. I think you should remove that and convert this into a paragraph, somehow. Also, I felt you could have thought of more symptoms, especially for the black widow. It would have been a good funny opportunity. I like the stuff about eating the spider's head, but I wish you had explained it a little better. You could have said something like "this balances out the toxins by equalizing the amount of toxicity in your mouth and your stomach." That remains far-fetched, but it has twisted logic, something I enjoy. One last thing- what will the spiders do if they don't think you're injured/full of food? I wish you would have given a reason for this, too. That way, you deliver upon all of what the reader expects, and then some.
- The religion of spiders: I would give serious consideration to cutting this. It's extremely short, it's kind of hard to understand, and it makes a connection to Hinduism where one really doesn't make sense. The article could do without it.
- I can't really give advice on a video. Good introduction before it.
- One last thing: In the "see also" thing, why did you make the last links all weird? Couldn't they have just been normal? I don't understand what it means.
|
| Prose and formatting:
|
6
|
Quite a few spelling and grammar errors, as well as some messed up formatting. First, formatting suggestions:
- Formatting 1: That top has so many images and templates in it it looks like there's a wild template/image party going on. With alcohol. You can move the VFH template to the bottom, in my opinion. Quotes, see humor. That image should be moved into the next section, where there is much more space.
- Formatting 2: Your paragraphs are pretty big. There are some paragraphs that need to be separated, moved around, etc. The "spider web" section needs help with that, in particular.
- Formatting 3: The second to last section is tiny. I hate tiny sections. I feel like it could either be expanded or merged with another section.
- Formatting 4: I feel like there is some bold text where it is really not needed. Why emphasize "rodent", "orb webs", and "black widow"? There doesn't seem to be any need to do this, and it draws attention where it really isn't needed. So, you should un-bold those words.
- Formatting 5: That picture of the woman is so long! It breaks your headers a bit. I suggest re-sizing.
- Prose: I actually gave quite a bit of prose advice in the humor section. Well, here are your sections written correctly:
- Lede:
“How many movies do you see being made about humans killing spiders? None. How many do you see about spiders killing humans? I'll let you answer that.”
“Spiders are not insects. But in a war they would side with insects.”
Spiders are the only sentient rodent species, and are closely related to gerbils, hamsters, chinchillas and other family-friendly fur-covered creatures. Spiders are vital to the Earth's ecosystem, usually live in webs made of fine silk, and enjoy draining human eye fluids and crawling into people's mouths during sleep.
- Natural Habitat:Spiders live in a vast spectrum of environments. Tropical spiders, for example, live in tropical forests, their oldest known habitat, where the year-around warmth allows them to survive and grow into enormous monsters. They build gigantic webs between several trees at once, and feed on the lions, tigers and hippos that get trapped in them. These spiders usually live for several centuries, grow to the size of elephants, and, like elephants, they never forget.
In contrast, Urban spiders live in building where they gather in poorly-lit corners, build their webs, reproduce, and feed on insects (mostly flies and butterflies) that get trapped in their webs. These spiders usually live for a few months and, if they play their cards right and keep off the juice, can grow to the size of bumblebee.
British Isles Spiders, a subspecies of Urban Spiders, can also live in the mouth cavities of British citizens since the bits of semi-digested foodstuffs that these spiders crave are abundant between the Brit's never-brushed teeth. These spiders have the shortest life spans (usually one day), the saddest lives, and the smallest sizes.
- Reproduction:Spiders, being rodents, reproduce by laying eggs. During mating season, a male spider impregnates a female spider (and not vice versa) by means of a microscopic copulatory organ - a "fang" - that introduces the male's web-like semen into the female's "mystery bag", which contains the unfertilized eggs. The eggs are then fertilized and the female later realizes that she has been violated and is pregnant, prompting her to eat her mate. The motives for such an inhumane act are unclear, but according to a new research, female spiders tend toward lesbianism, and don't like being pregnant.
When the 20 hours of pregnancy are over, the female lays hundreds of eggs which hatch after an hour into hundreds of tiny baby-spiders. The female - now officially a "Black Widow" - then proceeds to count her offspring and name them, one by one, never repeating the same name twice. This time-consuming process ends when she runs out of names and eats the rest of her babies.
- Spider webs: I'm not copying this whole thing for one error. You need to capitalize "street" in "Google Street-view" - it's the name of something and therefore a proper noun.
- Human and Spider coexistence: See above. You put two spaces between "been" and "murdered".
- The Spider Uprising: Contrary to popular belief, spiders are not primitive insects; they are one of the very few non-human sentient life-forms, a group that includes some dolphins, penguins, most species of octopus, and all conservatives.
Spiders have their own cultures and subcultures, varying greatly in complexity. They all have, however, a race prophecy which has passed down through the generations since the late nineteenth century. In this honored prophecy Spiders know that they will someday step in and overcome their human masters with sheer numbers, providing wave after wave of scuttling legs which will invade every personal aspect of human life.
| “
|
If a human is at work, there will be a Spider. If a human is asleep, there will be a Spider. If a human is at a Spider-man convention, there will be a Spider. And if a human female is in the shower, there will be at least one brave Spider crawling around and providing commentary to the rest of Spider nation.
|
”
|
Or so goes their foolish prophecy. But since it makes them happy to dream of a life without humans, like it used to be in "the old days", humans gladly allow spiders this fantasy and often play along by running away when they see them.
- Bite Symptoms: You spelled "Genetically" and "acquisition" wrong.
- There's an extra "what" in the video section.
- You misspelled "nursery".
|
AMUSE ME 12:01, May 22, 2010 (UTC)