Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Mancard

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Mancard

BlueSock 04:25, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

I'll review this as soon as I find my mancard (within 24 hours). King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  01:32, October 26, 2009 (UTC)

Humour:	4	Who does this reviewer think he is? I like to start by letting my reviewee know how unqualified I am. I'm the current NotM, and am nommed for RotM. My first two articles (one co-written) were recently featured. On the other hand, I burned my mancard. I put Prose and Formatting descriptions in with Humour so I don't repeat myself, but do score separately. Also I get nitpicky because it seems to help editors improve their articles, so please don't feel offended if I seem to focus on things like capitalization and missing commas. If you get nothing else from this review, understand that I like your writing and creativity. And no, I'm not just saying that to be nice--my friends know I don't make compliments I don't mean. I don't know if that's an asset or a character flaw, but it's there. Beginning quotes It's an oddity of Uncyclopedia: choose a random article and you're likely to find a quote by someone at the beginning, likely Oscar Wilde, and somewhere a reference to Chuck Norris. It's also an oddity that you rarely find these in featured or highly praised articles. I'd recommend cutting these. Urban dictionary defines mancard as such:--you essentially say this again with "Urban Dictionary on mancards", so would cut one of them, or both if you cut out the quote (I don't think it's necessary). I have no problem with you making "mancard" one word, even though it's usually done as "man card." I'm guessing "Sir Albert Manning" is a tongue-in-cheek reference to the "I-seriously-need-anger-management-I-beat-my-son-again-oh-now-I'm-feeling-guilty-so-I'll-fix-him-his-favorite-dinner" character on Degrassi: The Next Generation television series, if so that's fine because I think it fits. If not, I'd suggest always doing an online search for any names you use. I'd suggest "...literal removal of the (one's) manhood."--that is, replacing "the" with "one's." "Consequentially"--is this a word? I like Manning losing his mancard just for inventing it. Early History "In the Revolutionary War (comma)...."--I'd specify which one. I don't get the George Washington reference, and also here he's listed after the American Revolution. I like taking the mancards of prisoners. I think this section could use a few more details and jokes. Modern Usage "...with Chuck Norris...."--another of the hated Chuck Norris references, but here I think it works as he seems to be the ultimate "manly man" on Uncyclopedia. "Gaylord"--poor guy, but I think this part works. "...into society (semicolon or period) however (comma)...." Nice description, but again a little short lengthwise and jokewise. The Point System "From that point on (comma) the holder....from their overall score."--I almost always prefer gender neutral pronouns, but for an humour article on manhood, I'd make "their" "he." "...lifting a truck..."--I like this, but might like it better as "...such as 25 points for lifting a truck with one finger" or some other point total. You could have a comic build here, with 5 points for something trivial, 10 points for something bigger, and then get to the biggie of lifting a truck (maybe 50 points would be better). "...holding hands(space)(not in third world countries)"--like the true Third World reference (but capitalize it). 'If a mancard were to ever reach zero, the holder either had to admit...."--mixes tenses. "After the Meister-Emblem incident"--you do explain this, but for some reason this reference seems like it assumes the reader already knows about it. Maybe add something like "Meister-Emblem incident (explained below)...." "...given, and if they were, they...." should be either "given and, if they were, they...." (the one I'd prefer) or "given and if they were they...." "...the forefront in the infamous Meister-Emblem case."--ending a section with this sets up the expectation in the reader that the next section will deal with this case, but it doesn't. The NMAA "...disco, which decimated nearly a half of the registered mancards."--I like the disco reference; however, decimating nearly a half means some of the nearly a half were affected. Maybe "...which eliminated nearly a half...." If the NMAA exists today it wasn't dissolved--you could say it was dssolved as a division, but restarted, or even left its parent organization and became independent. If women were trying to get negative points, I don't see that as starting post woman's lib--maybe in the 1950s they tried for negative points, but I don't think this will work later or earlier unless you go way earlier. Iin the end of the 1930s to mid 1940s during WWII, much of the western work force was women, and Rosie the Riveter was an American icon. I rarely find "your mom" references funny (this is almost as overused here as Chuck Norris and Oscar Wilde), and don't here. Did "your mom" start the woman's movement? The Meister-Emblem Case--why is this, which happened in 1894, before the modern section? You might want to think about moving some parts of the article around while of course checking for any changes that have to be made because of the move. "...small theater (comma) petitioned...." "...extremely manly bowtie (bow tie, comma) he was...."--like this; shows were in a different time. Is there a reason for the names "James Meister" and "Ricardo Emblem"? Mostly asking out of curiosity, although "Ricardo" and "Emblem" sounds like an unusual combination. Why did Mr. Meister have double the points of Emblem?--could be a joke or two there. "...these claims (comma)they (the organization) promptly...."--was there a reason the NMAA didn't check the claims? "...the supreme court...."--which one, state or federal? I'd specify this as "New York Supreme Court" or "United States Supreme Court." Also I'd recommend specifying where this happened--New York, California, Ohio? "...the court investigated into the original accusation." "Ricardo Emblem was found and charged with attempts to shatter...."--did he get convicted? Apparently he did because of his sentence, but you might want to say so, like "...was found guilty and sentenced to be executed OR hanged by the neck until dead OR other specific method." "After the incident (comma) Emblem left the country...."--did he come from somewhere else? Also this sentence is quite long, and I'd recommend splitting it up. A record that's stood for a while won't be shattered by "the likes of..." it will be shattered by one specific person. The Meister-Emblem Conspiracy "Recently, new evidence...."--either "Recently, evidence...." or "New evidence...." "New (This) evidence came to light...." "...this discovery (comma) James Meister's...." I thnk a problem you may have run into with this article is one I ran into with Sun Bee. As my reviewer Syndrome pointed out, I was creating a new topic and thus had a lot of explaining to do so the reader would know what I was talking about. But I was so focused on explanations I didn't realize there was relatively little humour in the article. I'd recommend going through and seeing where you can "funnify" it.
Concept:	7.5	I think you have a pretty clear concept of what you're doing here, going through the history of the mancard. But it's a limited concept, which is why I recommend working on making it more humorous.
Prose and formatting:	7.5	While I score Prose and Formatting seperately from Humour, obviously they're linked. This score would be higher with a little polishing.
Images:	0	Sorry, but I have to give you a zero here because there's no images. Usually it seems to work best if, as the reader is scrolling through your article, they see one or parts of two images at a time. It gives the reader's eye a break from text, which seems to be more important with a light-emitting computer terminal than a book.
Miscellaneous:	6.3	Average of above (ignoring the obligatory zip for no images)
Final Score:	25.3	Again, I think with more humour (and of course adding images, which would get rid of that zero) your score would be quite a bit higher. It's perfectly acceptable, after you make edits, to ask for a second Pee Review from someone else (2001: A Space Odyssey, which got a higher positive vote total than any article in a while, got three Pee Reviews, the last by me). Very few people get high scores on their first Pee Review on their first article (I didn't), but I think you show definite promise. I found this well written, look forward to seeing more, and am glad you've joined Uncyclopedia. Feel free to post a note on my talk page if you edit this.
Reviewer:	King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  00:54, October 27, 2009 (UTC)