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Concept The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
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Hmm... there is a major issue here, and not the sort one generally wants to encounter, but this article is simply not an accessible read to the average passerby. The subject is an obscure one, enough that most folks frequenting Uncyclopedia will probably be those completely unfamiliar with the program. That in of itself isn't necessarily a problem, but unlike things that most folks will know off the bat, you need to establish some sort of semblance of what it is in practice before going into the disease itself. It is an industrial disease, yes, but then perhaps describe the program itself, as itself, before going into how the disease presents, how it shows up, progresses, etc.
Overall, this is simply too short to really give readers a picture of what's going on, especially if they don't know it. So don't assume that they will - describe your ideas out in full, flesh them out, and make the implicit funnies that one with background knowledge would have explicit. Yes, you have to spoonfeed it to us, but in doing that, you will also find opportunities to make further jokes, other references, more wider connections to the different sorts of readers that might see it. Plenty of folks use technology in general, obviously, so think in terms of that - how does this compare to other applications, relate to computing in general?
It is also a bit of a problem how inherently funny the subject itself is, however - reading through the Lotus Notes Hall of Shame proved to be more amusing and engaging than the article itself, describing specific incidents, referencing things with which I in turn was familiar - this was all before my time, see, but I could still relate to it, the issues and ideas presented... but the fact that they were all in one program, one real program that people actually used and still do, that also intrigued me. You could play off that as well - use specifics and blow them even more out of proportion. Users will relate, and others will find it ridiculous as well. The image caption is a good start to that, but that isn't really the best place for it, all bunched up and alone like that. Why not devote an entire section to it and others, or list it and other examples within each stage of the disease's progression?
At any rate, that is one seriously messed-up program, and referring to it in terms of its effects on folk is not a bad idea. The article is simply presented too loosely and with too little background for it to work as it is, so you need to flesh that out more, just what it is, you know?
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Humour The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
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From what is here, it is difficult to say much that is likely to be particularly useful, as you'll probably need to do a fair bit of restructuring and add a bit more before anything else, but I'll try to give you a piece by piece of what works, what doesn't, and what perhaps could...
- Introduction - The particularly backward companies is a good note - something off which you could build upon. After all, why is it the backward ones? What makes those stand out for this, and what could be interesting about that? The joke is partly lost on me as it is.
- After that, though, you would probably want to say just what Lotus Notes is that makes it a disease.
- What the infection is caused by just seems strange, though. A series of organisms? Loose formation? What? Destroying the internal communication looks like a reference to something, so what are you referencing? Expand, mon.
- Comparing IBM to... those bacteria? 'Spirochetes'... is a mite specific. Chances are, the reader may not even know what those are. I didn't, anyway, and that kind of ruins the joke. How would an infection promise that? Or does something else promise that, and thus the infection comes, slowly, ever so slowly, but growing, interminably and unstoppably, spreading in the shadows until it blooms, full force, on the screens of the infected...
- The second disease being worse than the first is a nice twist, but it comes too slowly, almost. One may not realise that the BSoD is also being referred to as a disease (unless I'm wrong about that being it, in which case you can guess how effective whatever it is is being), so it comes across as a mite confusing at first.
- Progress of disease
- Primary Notes - The referring to the lesion on the desktop, the ulcer, etc... it seems to be too much. Doesn't really work for me. Perhaps you're taking the whole disease gag too far; work in subtleties, specifics. Just what does this... lesion, client, do? Why are the meeting and email systems the initial exposure? What about the user? This is affecting the computer at this point, yet it later affects the user... make the distinction/transition clearer, or stick to one or the other.
- Secondary Notes - Why a random notes process? Why, for that matter, does it take the time it does? Is this average incubation of the realisation of what a horror has weaselled its way onto the machine, and of how doomed the user really is?
- I do like the specifics here, and the mental blue-screening is a nice touch. Might be able to play more off the calls to tech-support - just how bad are they? People can relate to this, though; having to call tech support is a pretty universal problem, just way worse here, so it's a strength. You should use it.
- Why exactly would someone at this stage be contagious? Again, the metaphor is verging into the land of just confusing, at least if you don't back it up.
- The other symptoms list is a nice touch, though, especially since it seems so normal for a disease until the non-sequiter bringing it back to Notes. Article could use more of that, perhaps.
- Tertiary Notes - I think this is the best stage, and I don't think that's just because I read up on the application. It's eventual, it's fatal, and it's full of general scariness, but perhaps even more than the others, it just needs more. Further examples of reactions, just how can the personality change, what about the database? For that matter, you could work in something about the coder-oriented wording of the interface. At this point, they know how to use it, and they speak like programmers, perhaps? Sales reps forgetting how to interact with the normal populace, perhaps, that kind of thing.
- And what obvious thing? Spell it out; it doesn't even have to be accurate, but this is a lot funnier if the reader really sees it, not just what happens, but how.
- Symptoms - Well, as lists go, this one's... okay. It doesn't entirely make sense, however - what about the symptoms mentioned with the stages? What symptoms are these, common to all stages, or what? Give background before going into the list; say just what it is.
- The wording is odd on the last one, but it seems like it could be something brilliant.... if I just knew what you were talking about. Eh.
- Treatment - There must be a better way to say this. It's a good end, the whole, it's hopeless, go be a lumberjack, but it's too blunt, too short, too one-sentence-non-sequiter, the end. I do know a guy who has had great luck with using a large picture for that - taking the computer out back and shooting it, and then going off to be a lumberjack. I dunno; it seems like it's a good idea of an end, but you need more of a transition, and to say what you mean, at least somewhat.
- External links - This could use more of a presentation. Perhaps a 'For full list of symptoms, see here' or some such. Tie it into the idea of the disease, or the article presentation as a whole.
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Prose and formatting Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
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Prose, formatting... well, it's short, and you need more. Could use a proofread, but nothing's overly bad. Main problem (besides the cursory nature) seems to be some overly complex wording in a few places. Doesn't flow so well, needlessly confusing.
- The BSoD as a disease, and the following 'actually worse than the first'. The sentence structure doesn't help, either.
- 'an initially only mildly painful system ulceration localized at the point of initial exposure' - it's just too wordy. Something about it spreading from the point of initial exposure and worsening, perhaps.
- 'You know you always wanted to be a lumberjack really.' - Punctuate, emphasise... something. You know, you really always wanted to be a lumberjack...
You might also want to add a wikipedia link - some people like the straight-forward background, after all, so might as well simplify it.
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Images The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
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The image you have is excellent for such an apparent horror as you make out Notes to be, but the image is so small and the caption so big... better to put the caption somewhere else. Say just what the image is. What stage? And add more - ample examples from the program on that other site, use those perhaps? Something about a lumberjack, or IBM, a picture from an office afflicted with Notes... something. Illustrate it.
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Miscellaneous Anything else... or not...
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Overall impression, although considering these numbers are pretty arbitrary, who knows what that means. Just mind the comments, eh?
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Final score 1234 ~  04:45, 19 December 2010
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What you have here is something that has been sitting there for over a year and it simply ain't done. What you need to do is finish it - flesh it out, make it accessible to the average reader, make it pretty, and make it follow through, beginning to end. Hopefully this will help, and if you have any questions or whatnot, don't hesitate to ask. Good luck; it is a difficult subject.
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05:05, 18 December 2010
