Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Lawn mowers
Lawn mowers[edit source]
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02:28, November 6, 2011 (UTC)
- I love me a good Magic Man article to review. I'll take it. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)
16:39, November 12, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 5 | Ok, so you're off to a good start on this article, if I may so. However, I feel like you need to go over this article again and see what else you can add on/ cut out to make this article really flow and be truly funny. Right now, I feel like the biggest suggestion I can give you is to take a look on the wikipedia section on lawnmowers. That article is chalk-full of what seems to be unnecessarily long information to describe such a simple device. I would suggest borrowing some of those sections and turning them into parodies in your article.
Another suggestions is to re-read your article and pick our parts where you could maybe further progress the jokes. Like here for example, "Scissors were known for getting all rusted up, being really uncomfortable and poking an eye or two out once in a while." I'm surprised you didn't mention anything funny about the dangers of running with them and then making a joke about how lawnmowers are MUCH safer for children to use than scissors. An added bonus would be if you added a section about lawnmower dangers right below that. Check out the wikipedia section on that, it's ridiculous (80,000 people a year. I wonder how many get hurt from scissors...). The last issue I think you have is you kind of rammble on and don't quite get to the punchline in many of your sentences. You're on the edge, but you don't quite make me laugh. I find myself reading on hoping to find the ultimate joke for too often in this article. Re-wording my friend. In order to provide you with an example of this, I'm going to take your ending paragraph and re-write it a bit. I'm doign this because frankly, I think your ending is the strongest aprt of the article. Very good, dramatic, ironic and is overall a good clincher for the article. Original: "While lawn mowers have been accepted into society for the most part, there are still some who do not believe that lawn mowers should be a part of human life. For instance, one day in 2005, Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor was doing what it was made to do, cut an exceptionally large yard, after all, it was a riding mower. But unfortunately, Richard Green, a member of an anti-lawn mower group, had other plans for Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor that day. Green poured gasoline all over Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor and lit it aflame. The mechanics tried hard, but were unfortunately not able to save Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor, and had to send it to the junkyard. Richard Green was convicted of arson and sentenced to 10 years in jail. He will be released in 2015. We can only hope that he has been rehabilitated by his time in jail, and has seen the error of his ways." Re-worded: "Sadly, although lawn mowers are generally accepted in society, there are still some who believe that a lawn mowers rightful place is behind your childrens' bicycles and that canoe you swore you'd use but never did, in your elegant, one-car garage( This could be cut down. Just an idea though). One grave example of man-on-mower bestiality took place on January 12th, 2005, on a beautiful sunny day in California. A Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor was doing what it did best, cutting the grass and ruling over it's 42x30 acre domain like a benevolent motor king should. Unfortunately, Richard Green, a member of an anti-lawn mower group, had other plans for Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor. In what many have compared(Ok, just me) to be the equivalence of Franz-Ferdinad's assasination in the Balkans, Green poured gasoline all over Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor and lit it aflame. The flame was put out by fireman, but by that time, the Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor have sputterd its last motor exhaust cycle and had to send it to I hope my example helps you out a bit. Just a general re-wording should suffice and your article will look tons better for it. Your humour will go up and this article will definitely be closer to becoming feature worthy. |
| Concept: | 7.5 | I like the concept, fairly unique and definitely a magic man styled article, which is a good thing, don't worry. Poitns taken off in regards to the humour section, so just look there for advice and stuff and this section's score will go up too. |
| Prose and formatting: | 9 | Not much to say in prose and formatting. Didn't see any spelling errors, although a check over might be good.
Reason I didn't give you a 10 was because I feel there is something the matter with the formatting with the regards to the placement of the pictures and the article. I'm not sure what it is, but the article seems just a tiny bit disorganize, nothing major. Just something to watch out for in the final draft. |
| Images: | 7 | The images are good, although I feel as though you could find a picture that has a much more boring town depicted than the one you currently have. The only problem I have is with the captions. For example, the first one is funny, but cheesy. I feel if you re-worded it a bit it would be a bit more funny. You're describing the glory of lawnmowers, you're not a salesman for them, cause that's what your character sounds like in that caption. Second one is good per that suggestion I had.
The third image, I'm not too sure about. It wasn't that funny when I first read it. I feel like you shoudl replace it with two different images, one with a chain lawnmower and one with a motor. For the first one you could have a caption like, "You call that a lawnmower?" Adn then place the second image down a bit and say something like, "THIS is a lawnmower! Listen to that engine! It's like a thunderbird with a maximum speed of 10 mph..." And you could make that second image look totally epic with like fire decals and other manly stuff on the lawnmower. You might want to take a look at the wikipedia article on lawnmowers. That picture of the zero-turn motor looks pretty badass...Just a thought. Another suggestion for you would be to have before and after pictures of Trupp with one having high grass and a second one having cut grass and a caption like, "Thanks to the glory of the lawnmower, the citizens of Trupp were finally able to cut their grass and realize what a bore their town really is." Or something like that. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | I do like this concept you have here. I must emphasize a previous point in that you should glance over the wikipedia article on lawnmowers and maybe |
| Final Score: | 35.5 | So that's about it. Questions or comments on talkpage blah blah blah, you already know me so whatever. Anyways, good luck to on this article. Cheers. |
| Reviewer: | --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  04:05, November 15, 2011 (UTC)
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