Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Become a Master of Disguise (revised)
HowTo:Become a Master of Disguise [edit source]
05:22, November 10, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | You actually have some really good ideas in here, however I think the main problem at the moment is that the article feels a little unfocussed. I very rarely do reviews this way, but I'm going to go through it section by section, mainly because I don't think there's one broad problem to talk about here, but several different small ones.
So from the top... I recommend you get rid of the opening quotes. These are a really tiresome Uncyclopedia cliché that newer users seem to think are great, but anyone who's been reading for more than a few months is sick to death of. This isn't a rule or anything, if you can come up with a really brilliant opening quote then by all means include it, but these are just the typical Oscar Wilde/Captain Obvious ones that have either been told a zillion times before or weren't really funny to begin with. I'm personally just not a fan of opening quotes anyway. I mean, Wikipedia doesn't have them, why should we? That aside, I quite like your intro. It establishes the HowTo well and is pretty funny too. Who are these "Master of Disguise" people anyway? - Your first section seems a little out of place to be honest. It's not bad, but it doesn't really read much like a HowTo either, it's more of a background section, and a brief one at that. This isn't a major problem, but it might be worth getting rid of the section and maybe moving some of the better ideas (such as the Elvis joke, which I liked) to another part of the article. But why in hell would I want to be a master of disguise? - This section is a lot better, it actually feels like a more natural first section after the intro, but before the actual guide begins. Most of the section is made up of a list, however. Lists aren't really very good for humour and they tend to skim over jokes rather than getting to grips with them. This is one of the few lists I've seen which is actually kind of funny however, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. The repeating of "sex appeal" works well and I was pleasantly surprised by how you'd hidden all the links. My only issue here is that you might want to introduce it more smoothly, start with something like "there are lots of reasons why you would want to be a master of disguise, and here they are" or something funnier to the same effect - just because the list starts so suddenly and reads a little awkwardly because of that. step 1: Find your disguise - This section starts well, I really liked the joke about disguised shops being hard to find. However from here I think it gets a little weaker in terms of focus and humour. The jokes about paedophiles (note the spelling) and internet shopping aren't quite as successful, mainly because they're a bit too silly and they're also a bit less relevant in terms of the article's subject matter. Disguise-based jokes, like the ones about disguised shops, would be a lot more effective, I feel. Try to avoid getting too distracted like this, because the humour starts to feel random. I don't know if you've already read our guide on writing for the site but one of the things it advises against is random humour. The problem with it is that it tends not to satirise anything, and while this isn't a major issue, it also tends to be a bit cursory. I know you've been here for a while now, but it's always worth re-reading every now and then, just for tips if anything. So have a think about what other disguise-based jokes you could make. This article has a lot of it, so maybe that will inspire you. step 2: Scope out the area in wich [sic] you would like to be disguised - Again there is some decent stuff in here, but it is a bit weaker still. Conceptually it's a bit odd because I don't really see how being confined to one area makes you a master of disguise. Surely a master could move about freely? Maybe it would make more sense if this section were simply about "using your environment". As for the jokes, they're a bit all over the place. The Ground ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ joke is odd too, and I don't really understand what you mean by "all other names were taken". In any case the joke is a bit random in my opinion, and doesn't have much to do with disguises either. There is another list, which is bad, but generally some of the jokes in here are good. Don't set it out as a list though, it's too cursory and rushed (HTBFANJS also advises against these). Pad it out with more humour. Fortunately you already have more content down in the footnotes. However, it's kind of difficult to read down there, perhaps move this up and work out another prose-based section. Step 3: Go incognito! - Your final section is not a particularly ending to the article, and again it feels rushed. All you really say here is that the guide was crap, and sort of apologise to the reader. No offence but it's a cheap and not very funny way of concluding an otherwise decent piece. It's not hugely original either, it's quite a typical "escape route" for first-person articles that are going nowhere. It's not in-line with the main concept; the narrator has seemed quite confident of his advice throughout, until the end, so in this sense it doesn't make any sense. My advice would be to totally re-think this. Remember; you don't need a big twist at the end, just something simple that wraps it up. Take a look at the HowTos in our best of to see how they end (usually without incident). |
| Concept: | 5 | Ok, so there are a few issues here. For the most part, your article doesn't read too much like a HowTo, and there isn't really a whole lot of advice in there, in fact a lot of the sections seem to get distracted from this and talk more about disguises in general or totally random things altogether. Towards the end as well it seems like you're clutching at straws a bit, especially where you talk about locations; it's as if you either run out of ideas or got fed up. You basically need to go into a lot more depth in terms of the advice - pad the thing out with relevant subject matter. Read some other really good HowTos to get an idea of what kind of advice to give. This is a very simple yet funny one which is a great example of what I mean. Some HowTos take more alternative approaches, but for your "classic" approach here you simply need more advice on how to actually be a master of disguise. Talk about its practical uses, if possible, kinds of disguises you can get, and any other options available to a disguisee. |
| Prose and formatting: | 4 | Your prose and grammar, to be brutally honest, are kind of poor. But on the plus side you already seem to be aware of this and you have put the proofreading template on there. Instead of waiting for them to get around to it (they don't seem to be too active right now), why not try copying and pasting it into a spellchecker? That should at least make the proofreader's job a bit easier. Key things to remember in future is that you should capitalise the first letter in your headers.
In terms of formatting, the article looks scruffy in parts, but I think getting rid of some of the listy parts will help with this (just as I say above really). Also however, there are at least two big white gaps that you should probably try to get rid of. They're at the end of sections 2 and 3 and they're either caused by poor images placement or too many blank lines at the end of the text. Either way you should take a look at them. Another weird thing happening here is that several lines just end suddenly and then go on to the next one. This one, for instance: "Now there are many steps to finding your disguise", and this: "It is however known that there is a list of things that Ground ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ should and sdould [sic] not have". Half-way through they just stop and then a new line begins. I'm not sure how you've managed this, but again, fix it because it's making the article look really amateurish. |
| Images: | 6 | The first two images are great, I really enjoyed them. The caption for the third one is a bit more laboured, but generally speaking it's not a major detractor. The one of the world was a bit perplexing. I'm guessing you're talking about ground ABCDEFGHIJKLMNPQRSTUVWXYZ here, am I right? I'm not too keen on that whole joke to be honest, but if you're set on keeping the image I bet you can easily find a far superior image of the Earth to that crappy, blurry one. You definitely need a few more images overall too. More like the first two; disguise-based ones. Again, the images in the Disguise article I link to above are the kind of thing you should be considering. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5 | My overall feeling on the article. |
| Final Score: | 26 | Right, so there's your review. To summarise; the key things to work on are probably getting some more content in there, preferably some kind of advice on how to be a master of disguise, as that's a little lacking. You should also definitely have a go at fixing some of the more clichéd parts, like the lists, quotes and basically everything HTBFANJS talks about. Oh, and please get the spelling/grammar sorted out, it's really holding the article back. Anyway, I look forward to seeing you continue working on it. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok. |
| Reviewer: | --Black Flamingo 00:02, December 18, 2010 (UTC) | |