Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Android (operating system)

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Android

My first major non-meme article (I was formerly known as this loser). A bit of a stub right now, but I'm actively expanding it, and it probably won't be when you see it. Thanks for reviewing! TorontoLRT 00:45, April 20, 2011 (UTC)

I'll get this. --Black Flamingo 23:50, April 28, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:	6	Hi TorontoLRT, let's take a look at this article of yours. Intro Well, you make a decent start; you introduce the thing, and even make a good joke - specifically, the one about it being "used on more phones and tablets than any other operating system for phones and tablets". The other joke you try is not so effective I'm afraid - the one about redundancy, I mean. Overall, it's not a bad joke, the problem is we already have a fairly old article dedicated to it, and since then it's got a bit stale. I don't think there's any way you can really make it work, or give it a new spin. Best just try something else. What else is funny about Android (operating system)? History There isn't a lot of humour in here really, although I feel it's for lack of trying rather than a lack of writing ability. All you have is a longish section of prose that describes the development of Android, with a cheap "your mother" line and an easy dig at Google for trying to take over the world, both of which I've heard many a time before. Oh yeah, and there is a joke about Barack Obama having an electronics company, or something, but I couldn't quite get my head around that. I wouldn't recommend you try random stuff like this, it's something that How to be funny and not just stupid explains better than I ever could, but my personal reason for disliking random humour is that it makes no sense and could really be replaced by anything similarly random without making it any more or less funny. Barack Obama could so easily be Sigmund Freud, for instance, without making any difference to the joke. Saying things that are true is generally funnier, to steal an example from a wiser user than me: "it is much better to say 'Darth Vader was a sith lord with an exceptionally efficient dry cleaning service.... He's so shiny!' than it is to say 'Darth Vader was the son of Elvis and Madonna and was born on a spaceship flying over Morocco'." Not that you have a particular problem with randomness, but there are one or two bits where you do descend into nonsense. The Year of the Android Ok, this section is better. I like the line about it gaining recognition from people not living in their mother's basements, but it might benefit from a re-wording as it took me a couple of reads before I could take it all in. Try reading it aloud perhaps, that might help you refine it because you can hear how it flows. I also liked the joke about Steve Jobs crying himself to sleep, but again it could flow better. The problem with this joke is that it sort of comes out of nowhere. While punchlines have to be surprising, if you take a little bit more care of make them pay off it can really help. Try to segue the two clauses together, like this for instance: "By the end of this year, Android had even overtaken the iPhone, and all Steve Jobs could do in response was cry himself to sleep every night hugging a Macbook Pro." Although not a hilarious example, I feel it is a slight improvement on your "causing" line because it reads more like a serious sentence that an encyclopaedia might actually use. It gives the punchline a little bit more of a set-up too, because it links the cause and effect more closely. I hope you can see what I mean here, because I worry that I'm not good at explaining it! The part where you say it was "widely considered year of the Android" seems a bit of a stretch too, mainly because I've never heard of such a thing. I don't even know what Android is, which makes me think it might be a bit more obscure than you make it sound. Then again, I've never been on the cutting edge of fashion; scared of sharp objects you see. Perhaps just mention that some people called it that, but don't claim it was widely known. Naming scheme This section seems a bit hastily thrown together. I just feel you can get a lot more out of what is quite a bizarre practice. Surely you can come up with a funnier consequence of running out of desserts than some guy killing himself (which is another example of you getting a bit random). Perhaps some kind of joke about the names becoming more desperate and farcical as the letters run out (wedding cake for W, for instance?) or someone mistakenly naming one after a desert, eg. Sahara? They're probably crap suggestions, but I hope they demonstrate that there's probably a lot more here, you just have to find it. Don't rely on me too much, I'm a technological retard. You can do it, I believe in you! Another thing I'd like to bring up here, what do you mean by "bleeding edge" version? I don't get that. Features This section features a lot of stuff that's lost on me so I find it difficult to comment on. There are a couple of things I've never heard of; like Google's rich ecosystem and full multitasking. I really have no idea what they are. You might want to go into more detail about these features, not just for my benefit but because explaining yourself is always better than just listing them in a little, rather cursory, paragraph. Again, think of the untapped humour. Later in this section you make the redundancy joke again, almost word for word (talk about being redundant), and then you start dropping random names in (like George Bush, etc). This is definitely not a good tactic, as again, those names could be anyone. Multitasking Overall this is a good section; you go on about technical details for a while, then drop a lovely little joke about how it's all meaningless, insulting popular culture and young people in the process. I like it. More jokes like this would be great, if you can come up with any. Competition Then here we have a decent joke about Steve Jobs' penis (you can't really go wrong with that, I feel). It gets a bit more random when you talk about tentacle rape, however, and I'm sure you can come up with a more original and funnier comparison than people hating their in-laws. Preferably something related to the subject matter, although it's not vital, it would just make the article feel like it has a bit more of a theme. "As much as most people hate MS Office 2007" for example - but something funnier than that, obviously.
Concept:	6	Overall, there isn't much of a concept, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. What you've gone for here is the old "telling the truth" angle, something that is done surprisingly rarely in a standard encyclopaedic mainspace entry such as this. However I feel you could be more consistent. The article on Machine gun for instance, takes a similar approach in terms of not having a fixed angle per se, but the tone remains steadfastly cynical, and a lot of the punchlines just come back to lots of people being killed. It would be nice to see yours with a similar degree of conciseness. Try to keep the style of humour in particular within a similar vein, rather than just trying a bit of everything, which is what it feel like you're doing now. Another article I recommend you read, if you haven't already, is KDE as I can see some crossovers. Again, see how consistent it is, and also how much detail it goes into. As a total technophobe I have no problem at all understanding what it's talking about, so in regards to that it might be a good model to follow. What you have already is good, but you should definitely expand upon it. You could go into a lot more detail on pretty much everything you mention, and if you write more, you're bound to come up with more jokes too, which would help greatly.
Prose and formatting:	6	There are one or two slip-ups in the prose, which I may as well just list here. First, there's a line in the History section; "attempted to imply", which is rather clunky. How can you attempt to imply? Did the implication fail, or did he simply "imply"? I'm guessing you should just go with the second answer. Then in the Features section, you need to delete a word from this line: "Android, despite the insistence of Apple Fans, Android". I don't know if you can see that now I've pointed it out, but there are one too many "Android"s. There is also a bit around here where the writing suddenly becomes first person. This is inconsistent with the rest of the article, and looks a tad sloppy I'm afraid. Stick to one person, whether it's first or third (or even second) throughout the whole piece. In terms of formatting, the article does look slightly ugly. There are probably a number of things contributing to this, the most obvious being the lack of images (see below). The high number of red links (considering the length) doesn't help either. One of the things you ought to work on here is the shortness of all the sections. Ask yourself, if you're only going to have a sentence or two under a subheading, is it really worth separating them? The answer is up to you of course, but it might be something to consider. Expansion will help too, as even without the subheadings your sections are brief, which makes them look cluttered. A See Also section might make the end look a bit more like an end too. The way it stops so suddenly doesn't look very professional (although I do dislike pointless See Also sections myself, they tend to at least have more aestheticism than an abrupt stop).
Images:	1	Ok, there's only one and it's not especially funny, which is why the score is so low. The whole "typical fan" thing is something that a lot of new users try, usually to little effect. For your main image you could really do with something broad and striking that establishes your concept. Then you can go for the sillier pictures through the rest of the article (and you do sorely need more, I generally work to the rule "fit as many as you can in"). Take a look at some of our featured articles and see how they use images, this might be of help to you. Pictures of the device itself is an obvious choice (it would also help guys like me (read: luddites) get a better idea of what you're describing).
Miscellaneous:	6	Article as a whole.
Final Score:	25	So overall some good work so far, it just feels a little bit first-drafty though, if you know what I mean. I think expansion is the key, especially in terms of detail, jokes and images. Add a little more of those three things and you should be well on your way to having a great article with just a little bit more work. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok.
Reviewer:	--Black Flamingo 02:40, April 29, 2011 (UTC)