Uncyclopedia:Flesh-eating weasel words
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“Hey, don't regular weasels also eat flesh?”
“Yeah, but regular weasel WORDS don't.”
Weasel words, as the massive nerds among us may know, are vague phrases such as "Many experts say that…" and "some argue that…". Wikipedia discourages weasel words because they give little context and can be misleading. Uncyclopedia, on the other hand, discourages weasel words since here we have a far superior alternative to plain old weasels: FLESH-EATING weasels.
What are flesh-eating weasel words?[edit source]
Flesh-eating weasel words are far more than just a reference to "Weird Al" Yankovic's legendary eargasm-inducing "Albuquerque". Flesh-eating weasel words differ from ordinary weasel words in that they use brutal threats to push their misleading claims. For example, instead of "many recent studies have linked middle school gym showers to homosexuality", one might say "If you don't agree with my recent studies that link middle school gym showers to homosexuality, you'll be lucky if you even have a head tomorrow!"
Advantages of using flesh-eating weasel words[edit source]
In the art of propaganda, which is, of course, the best way to get people to think like YOU, threats are an important tool. Nowadays, the average person is far too stupid to have any common sense, and people are (not) becoming more and more skeptical of what they see online, so without a good blood threat or two, how will anyone trust you?
In order to make sure that everyone knows and understands such basic facts as that 9/11 was an inside job, that the moon landing was faked, that corona virus is spread through 5G towers and that the earth is flat, you must be as persuasive as possible, due to the sheer stupidity of certain people. Mere suggestions of what "the experts" believe will convince nobody. Thus there are only two methods of spreading THE TRUTH that actually work: brainwashing and threatening. And brainwashing is far too inhumane and difficult for us, we must employ the much more humane method of exclaiming, "AND I'LL RAPE YOU IN THE ASS WITH MY GENETICALLY MODIFIED 24-INCH DICK IF YOU DARE TO DOUBT ANY WORD OF MY QUESTIONABLE AND DUBIOUS CLAIMS." So much nicer, right?
Other problems with regular weasel words[edit source]
- Passive voice: Phrases such as "It is said that…", commonly used in weasel words, are examples of what grammarians call "passive voice." Being passive is, of course, wimpy and pathetic, so we strongly recommend using aggressive voice instead: "Those who still possess a liver say that…"
- Wordiness: Ordinary (non-flesh-eating) weasel words can often cause explanations to be verbose and/or vague. A simple threat gets the point across much quicker and much easier. Look at the difference between: "It is agreed upon by many experts that there is a family of monkeys living in my walls." and "THERE ARE MONKEYS IN MY WALLS. BELIEVE EXPERTS LIKE ME IF YOU WANNA SEE THE NEXT DAY, BITCH!"
- Implicit endorsement of faulty logic: Weasel words such as "clearly" can easily be used to substantiate an otherwise indefensible claim. But do you want to know an even better strategy for to substantiate an otherwise indefensible claim? "CLEARLY you should believe me, because CLEARLY you don't want to be covered in bruises!"
Exceptions[edit source]
Most people agree that there are absolutely no circumstances in which flesh-eating weasel words are inferior to regular weasel words (AND THE CIA IS WATCHING YOU.) However, this rule of using flesh-eating weasel words over normal weasel words is, we must admit, a mere rule of thumb (that is, anyone who breaks this rule is somewhat likely to be crushed with a giant thumb.)
