Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/September 15

ATLANTA. GA -- Executives at Coca-Cola have decided to go forward with a proposal by the company's chief chemist, Dr. Ima Pepper, who recommended a year ago that the beverage giant begin recycling the popular soft drink's "base". The base is the fluid that comprises the liquid – in this case, purified water – to which the beverage's other ingredients are added to give the soda its distinctive texture, color, and taste. The company uses billions of gallons of water as the base for its like of beverages, and the cost of using unrecycled water has become "cost prohibitive" in recent years.

"We need to cut costs," Pepper told Unnews' reporter Lotta Lies, "without sacrificing our product's quality, of course. The amounts and costs of sugar, food coloring, and some other ingredients can't be controlled as easily as the beverage base can be controlled, she said. "So at last we're taking a look at my idea to recycle water. I suggested this alternative a year ago. It was I who recommended that we adopt this approach. It was my idea."

"Thanks to me," Pepper said, "Coke may be able to sell its product at a profit throughout at least the rest of this decade, rather than at a loss." (Full article...)