Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/October 2

Jimmy Mozzarella is a hitman, astronaut, mobster, NBA, MLB player, boxer, doctor, drug dealer, racer, moonshiner, Vietnam veteran, and dictator, amongst many other things except a coward. He is a damn fine man. Jimmy Mozzarella is the definition of a man. He has brute strength, an IQ of 396, outstanding speed, god-like reaction time, and boy, oh boy, does he have some fine women! Heh, nobody in the world past or present has come close to the greatness of Jimmy Mozzarella. Jimmy has three other brothers, Jimmy Blackman, Jimmy Whiteman, and Jimmy Parmesan.

Jimmy Mozzarella birthed himself out of a can of beans on April 20, 1969. He learned to walk when he was 3 days old. A quite mischievous toddler, he frequently stole candy and toys from the other toddlers. After a failed robbery attempt on another toddler, which later grew up to be George Washington, he was arrested by police, but shortly escaped after killing the two officers, thus becoming the youngest person to be on the FBI's Most Wanted list. While on the run from the police and FBI, Jimmy Mozzarella decided to go into hiding, going under the alias "Jimmy Cheddar". During this time he extorted many strip club owners. On his third birthday he decided to bribe the FBI and local police 20 dollars each, which they accepted and let Jimmy Mozzarella go. He decided to take a break from his criminal ways, and thus created Old Spice, which quickly became very successful, earning him an estimated $12,044,948 dollars an hour. By the time he was six years old, he was the worlds richest person, with an estimated net worth of $194,456,257,114,564,235,009 dollars. He also created Mountain Dew and Coca Cola. (Full article...)