Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/April 14

So, Jenny, the girl you've been with for two years, the girl you took to Blockbuster and bought snacks for, the girl you swore you'd be with forever a long time, has just broken up with you. It wasn't because you were too needy or you were a stalker or anything crazy like that. She just said that because she was nervous. She was intimidated by you and your amazingness. You two just weren't right for each other; no, you were too good for her. Yeah, that's right. You're better than her. She wishes she was you. She wishes she could be as attractive to girls as you are. Yeah, she's a lesbian. That's why you broke up with her isn't it? Yeah, that's why. Exactly.

Yeah, the first thing you have to do is forget that Jenny exists. Except you can't actually do that because she doesn't exist. She never existed. Jenny's not even a real name. Yeah, those legs that went on forever never existed. That smile that you could see your reflection in never existed. Those eyes, those beautiful eyes, weren't even there. Neither was that cute little nose or the long, smooth hair, or the supple bosom, or the flawless skin, or the petite little ass. No, nothing was there, because she wasn't there, because she never existed. And you can't miss what never existed, right? No, you can't. Okay, she's forgotten. I'm sure you feel much better now. Now that you don't remember that girl... what was her name? She didn't have one, remember? She's not real. You never broke up with her. Oh wait, that means you two are still together, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. You should go tell her. Jenny will be so excited. (Full article...)