UnVoyage:San Fernando Valley

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The Valley is in southern California, where it was last seen like totally stuck in the 1980's. I am so sure, like ohmygod! barf out! totally!

Understand

Beach bunnies

The San Fernando Valley was discovered in 1982 by Moon Unit Zappa, who narrowly escaped a "grody to the max" episode in which she was nearly gagged with a spoon by a herd of gnarly Valley Girls. The natural adversary of the Valley Girl in the wild is the "Surf Nazi", local surfers in Venice and Santa Monica who despise surfers from the San Fernando Valley as "vallies" or "valley kooks".

As no intelligent life was detected, the area was like abandoned and left in its totally 1980s state. That's going to be really like a total bummer. I'm freaking out. I'm SURE.

Talk

Hi! My name is Ondrya. Uh-huh. That's right, Ondrya. Uh-huh... I know. It's like... I do not talk funny... I am sure.

What's a matter with the way I talk? I am a Val, I know. But I live in like in a really good part of San Fernando ValleyEncino so it's okay. So like, I don't know. I'm like freaking out totally. Oh my God!

Regions and cities

The natural habitat of the Valley Girl.

• Encino is like SO BITCHEN. It's so awesome, it's like TUBULAR, y'know
• Sherman Oaks, home of the mall, and like so BITCHEN 'cause like everybody's like super-super nice.

Get in

There's a ship, but it arrives too late to save a drowning witch. But like, I don't know, it's going to be cool, y'know. I'm freaking out.

Get around

The only transport through California in the 1980s is by skateboard, but no biggie... It's so AWESOME. It's like TUBULAR, y'know.

See

This tree is, like, really old.

• Encino Man, . One more fossilized remain of an utterly wasted California decade. It's really sad, like he's like, he's like Mr. BU-FU. I am so sure. He's like so gross, he like sits there and like plays with all his rings and he like flirts with all the guys in the class. It's like totally disgusting. I'm like so sure. It's like BARF ME OUT... Gag me with a spoon!

Do

• You know me, I'm like into like the clean stuff. Like PAC-MAN and like, I don't know.
• This like salon place, y'know, . I wanted like to get my toenails done, and the lady like goes, oh my God, your toenails are like so GRODY. It was like really embarassing. She's like OH MY GOD, like bag those toenails. I'm like sure... She goes, uh, I don't know if I can handle this, y'know... I was like really embarassed.

Buy

• There's like the Galleria, On Ventura, there she goes. And like all these like really great shoe stores. I love going into like clothing stores and stuff. I like to buy the neatest mini-skirts and stuff.

Eat

This place is OK, I mean, it's just burgers.

• Grody to the Max, . It's like so gross, like all the stuff like sticks to the plates and its like, it's like somebody elses food, y'know. It's like grody... GRODY TO THE MAX, I'm sure. It's like really nauseating, like BARF OUT. Gag me with a spoon. Gross. I am sure. Totally.

Drink

• Napa Valley, . Um, wrong valley. Like my mother is like a total space cadet. There's got to be somewhere closer to find some whines. But no biggie... It's so awesome, it's like TUBULAR, y'know. Well, it's not like really ugly or anything. It's just like, I don't know.

Sleep

Look at the sky! Wow, it's like a fucking postcard or something.

• Hotel California, . Mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice. Oh right, could you like just picture me in like a leather teddy? Yeah right, HURT ME, HURT ME... I am sure! NO WAY!

Connect

The 1982 communications infrastructure is like, ya know, primitive. No dial-up ISP's, fer shure, no Fidonet, no analogue mobile. And those things that like stick in your mouth? They're so gross... You like get saliva all over them. But like, I don't know, it's going to be cool, y'know.

At least you can make a seven-digit local call for a dime. Call Jenny. You know the number. It's like TUBULAR, y'know.

Stay safe

The Valley is a, like, very dangerous place. Someone tried to sneak up behind me and GAG ME WITH A SPOON. Like, OH MY GOD!

He was like freaking me out, he called me a beastie. That's 'cause like he was totally blitzed. He goes like BAG YOUR FACE! I'm sure! Like - TOTALLY.

Go next

• UnVoyage:MacArthur Park
• UnVoyage:California

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