UnScripts talk:The Best Man
|Humour:||7.5||Well, there is not that much places to spark a lollercoaster in the beginning, and that is understandable, since you're setting up the story and such. But I somehow get the sense that you were not going for an all-out laughter with this, but rather an entertaining read until the freaking hilarious punchline. I like the "they are eating each others' faces off" thing.
I think some meat that could be added during the dialog could be that John remembers some things from his past with Shauna, maybe something sexual or something Butch will discover AFTER the wedding and which is likely not to please him (other than the herpes of course...)
Maybe it could be made a little clearer also that the bride and groom are not within earshot (I think that is the purpose of the wild kissing): upon the first read, I was a bit confused as to why John and Mark could talk so freely about them and be so close.
I also think that it is normal that you insist that John is depressed, but he is sometimes so depressed that it is depressing :) Like here:
John: You tellin’ me.
Kelsea: Yes. I just told you.
John: So you did.
We already got that he is depressed. Maybe he could be a lot more sarcastic? Or vengeful? Maybe if he was a little drunk he would be funnier? Those are all suggestions.
Also, another lead that could be funny: Shauna could have cheated on John back in the days with Butch. Maybe John could learn about it only at the wedding. But don't go about destroying the article with my suggestions: it already is a great article. Just food for thought.
The punchline is beautifully delivered and sparks much laughter. I can't think of a better way.
|Concept:||7.5||The concept is great, you managed also to live up to it with your great prose and the killer punch. I am sometimes wondering if you should talk one more time about that shady stranger... He aroused my curiosity straight off the bat, (you succeeded with the way you describe him to carve him in my mind, but that may not be the case with all readers... Maybe some drunk could spill their drink on him and he doesn't react at all... Something funny to bring him back briefly mid-story, y'know?|
|Prose and formatting:||9||You sure are a great writer and have more vocab than me, it will be kinda hard for me to suggest something better. I sure didn't see any spelling mistake, but I'm better in French on the spellchecking. The fact that you keep the conversation on a "normal prose" level and that the narrator has a much fancier prose is very good (I am so out of my league here, I don't know the signification of all the words :S)
The formatting is also great, the only little thing I could suggest would be to maybe put the narrator's text in italic in the following sentences:
John: NO! ---->(Shoves Kanye down) What the hell am I? Some kind of fucking punchline to you guys?
Mark: Stop it. Let me do it. (Starts to stand but John forces him down)<-----
as it already is in:
Kelsea: ---->(from across the table) John, speech! Start in thirty seconds or bust! Give them some love!
|Images:||8||Kinda easy to review here, the image is good and very much related. Why did you refrain from using other images? I admit this is a though context to use more than one, but just one supporting image of a wedding with no captions would be pleasing to the eye. Maybe a picture of a wedding where a guy looks pissed?|
|Miscellaneous:||8||I averaged your scores using my brain.|
|Final Score:||40||I really hope it helped TKF, I am improving slowly in reviewing other people's articles. I sure would vote for it on VFH not for the sheer lulziness, but for the entertaining read, great prose and hilarious punchline.|
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 13:09, May 28, 2011 (UTC)|
Mattsnow 13:12, May 28, 2011 (UTC)