UnNews:Zimbabwe 'was going to blow last $217 on coke and hooker'
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 January 2013
HARARE, Zimbabwe -- Zimbabwe's Finance Minister Tendai Biti has confirmed that he considered blowing the country's last $217 on "some good cocaine and a cheap hooker, or the other way around."
Panic spread throughout the country after reports surfaced in which Biti claimed that Zimbabwe had all but exhausted its public funds last week, after paying the country's public sector workers.
However, Mr Biti claimed it was part of a normal financial cycle, like "when you finish the month, you've paid your rent on the bedsit, and you just stay at home eating baked beans with the lights off, waiting for payday."
He continued, "You journalists are mischievous and malicious - the point I was making was that the Zimbabwean government doesn't have the funds to finance the forthcoming election. To dramatise the point, I simply made a passing reference, er, metaphorically, that when we paid civil servants last week on Thursday we were left with $217... but even the following day we had $30m in our account after the police had shaken down the diamond sellers."
He explained, "Just for the novelty of leaving the whole country with a nice clean $0 in the bank, I thought about leaving work with the $217 on Thursday night, and heading downtown for a bag of blow and some strange."
The elections that Biti referred to could now see trouble for his Movement for Democratic Change party. Zimbabweans are now widely questioning his competence, and are looking at his main rival for the election, er, President Robert Mugabe. Bollocks.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Zimbabwe says public account stood at $217 last week" BBC, January 30, 2013