UnNews:Yet another form of carbon discovered

Sunday, April 2, 2017

A computer-generated image of a single molecule of carbon-alpha-beta-17-4-7. What with this latest discovery, exhausted scientists have officially lost count of the number of known allotropes of carbon.

Massachusetts Institute of nanoTechnology (MInT): Early last week, scientists and engineers everywhere were angered and bitterly dismayed by the unwarranted discovery of a previously-undiscovered allotrope of carbon. Provisionally dubbed carbon-alpha-beta-17-4-7 (C_α-β-17-4-7), it now stands at the end of an exceedingly lengthy list of forms of pure carbon which have yet to find any practical use whatsoever in today's postmodern world of technology and/or industry, despite earlier unfounded promises of overly-optimistic scientific researchers and science journalists.

The rambunctious carbon atom has long been known to exhibit a disgusting tendency to form up to four (4) chemical bonds of depravity with just about anything that isn't nailed down, especially including itself. Utterly useless forms of carbon include buckmisterfullerene (C₆₀), graphene (...-C₆-C₆-C₆-...), string'o'carbonene (...=C=C=C=...), coal (C_{ough-hack-wheeze}), carbon-14 (¹⁴C), and the completely inert diamond (C_{shiny-sparkly}).

Microscopic particles of the previously unsuspected quasicrystaline material were mistakenly found clinging to the outer surface of a torn scrap of discarded carbon paper (C_duplicene) lingering in the bottom of a long-neglected waste-paper basket. Since nobody in their right minds uses carbon paper anymore (let alone knows how to make any more carbon paper), synthesis of artificial C_α-β-17-4-7 in the near future does not look promising, which is just as well.

What makes this unimpressive form of carbon even more boring than usual is its highly complex supersymmetrical molecular structure, which can only be understood by modern mathematicians who regularly apply the incomprehensible principles of group theory to just about anything that isn't nailed down. According to theoretical models, C_α-β-17-4-7 in needlessly bulky quantities should resemble large disgusting irregular brownish-black lumps or something.

Now that the scientific world have uncovered yet another god-damned form of carbon which nobody knows what the hell to do with, scientists and engineers everywhere have given up all hope of taming the promiscuous carbon atom. In response, the entire paid staff of MInT immediately declared that they will now make much better use of their valuable time by retiring to a local monastery, where they can be free to recuperate by immersing their naked bodies in soothing clouds of monatomic gases.