UnNews:XFL to launch franchises in pissed off markets

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Thursday, February 20, 2020

An Oaklands Radars fan sporting the team's distinctive silver and black colors.

American football league XFL is set to follow up the success of bringing football back to St. Louis by introducing new teams in every town and city the NFL has managed to piss off.

While most of the XFL teams play in cities which also host NFL teams, the St. Louis BattleHawks occupy the stadium recently vacated by the Los Angeles Rams. Such has been the success of the franchise, that XFL CEO Vince McMahon has announced that next season several new familiar-sounding teams will be launched:

  • Oakland Radars - perhaps the most elegant city of Northern California is given a team
  • San Francisco Fourteen Eye Nurse - Santa Clara is many things, but it is not San Francisco
  • San Diego Char Chairs - San Diego's former NFL team is now hugely popular in Los Angeles
  • Houston Oil Erse - not the Houston Texans. This team plays in turquoise blue! Do you hear me? Turquoise!
  • Phoenix Car Din Awls - actually play in Phoenix, not Glendale
  • Washington Reds Kins - actually play in Washington D.C., not Maryland

The teams were initially set to be paired with former WWE wrestlers and have appropriate nicknames, but this idea was later canned, so the Oakland Undertakers, the Houston Ultimate Warriors and the San Francisco Rock never came to light. Instead, McMahon employed a number of pun experts to name the teams as closely as possible to their current/former NFL counterparts.

McMahon denied the teams were just lazily cashing in on existing interest in NFL: "Just to prove you guys wrong - we are gonna rename the New York team New Jersey Dirty Tunnelers."

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