UnNews:Work will slowly kill you
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Internet -- Early this morning, Michael K. X. Keenan, a member of a faculty, published this groundbreaking article. Only two minutes later, an always-alert Uncyclopedia reporter contacted Professor Keenan: clearly the future of mankind was at stage! What follows is a transcript of the interview (heavily edited but completely truthful to what was said. No glaring omissions this time!).
Uncyclopedia: I'll get straight to the point. Your article seems to state that work kills people at an alarming rate! Do you have anything to say to this? I mean, this seems incredible! I will never work again if it is true!
Prof. Keenan: I wouldn't go as far as to say work actually kills - but it does pose serious health issues to the worker. Others are not affected unless there is an accident or something like that.
Uncyclopedia: And all of your findings are totally scientific?
Prof. Keenan: Of course! I am a scientist, not some street corner medicine peddler!
Uncyclopedia: And you have also been awarded as the article states?
Prof. Keenan: I have been awarded several times - with awards so magnificent that I cannot even talk about them without feeling a deep, inspired awe!
Uncyclopedia: In that case we naturally believe anything you say, word for word! I'm sorry I asked you these last two questions - but a reporter will have to be suspicious. Otherwise, what would be the use? We would be publishing lies without even knowing it!
Prof. Keenan: I understand perfectly! Now, if you have no further questions...?
Uncyclopedia: Thank you for your time, Professor.
All the facts seem to check. There is no way around it. If you want to live, quit your job.