UnNews:Woman with Tattoo Wonders Why She's still Single
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 August 2008
NEWPORT BEACH, California. A 34 year old woman with a very attractive face wondered out loud "Why am I still single?" to her friend in a restaurant today. Tracy Lourdes, who works as a Pet Sitter, has been looking for a man to marry for quite a number of years "but it never seems to work out. Relationships are so hard." She lamented.
A nearby conservative Persian college student 'Mo' looked up and addressed her situation with observations that he and the other men in the restaurant shared. Mo spoke "There are a number of reasons a woman will find herself single." said Mo. "To begin with, that dumb tattoo on the back of your shoulder. You may have thought of that as being 'cool' when you got it, however, if I wanted to marry a woman with a tattoo and make love to her, I certainly wouldn't want to be mounting her while staring at a picture of what looks to be a Mexican version of Tom Selleck, let alone a Tom Selleck tattoo in the first place." Tracy gasped.
Mo continue. "However, if you find that you are still having problems, I would suggest that you stop wearing those dumb sandals into which you stuff your unattractive feet. That second toe being longer than all of the others isn't terribly appealing. French nails, though impressive to your friends, merely steer away any potential mates." Mo paused to catch his breath and plan his next step. "However, your feet DO serve as a quite effective form of birth control."
Tracy thanked him and Mo continued, "Let's discuss your pants. They're too short. I know the whole 'Yoga' and 'Pilates' fad is in but realistically, you look like you either can't afford pants that go all the way down to your ankles or you're going fly fishing and you don't want to get your pants wet. Lastly, if cardboard boxes have 'Burst Limits' then womens clothes should too. For example: If the burst limit on a cardboard box is 40 lbs, than one cannot put more than 40 lbs of items into the box or the box will break. Your butt is too big for those pants. You're not skinny enough, round enough, nor firm enough to effectively fit your butt into those dumb pants you're wearing. The manufacturers of those pants should stopped making them in sizes greater than say 9, and they should put a 'burst limit' on them, so that when women like you try to stuff their gargantuan asses into them they burst." Tracy's mouth dropped open. She listened attentively, relishing the honest communication between she and a male.
"Lastly" said Mo, "Let's discuss your attitude. Look at this chart. Back in the '80s, super hot chicks had attitudes, and only super hot women had them. And they could, cuz they were hot. I don't know what happened, but somewhere along the line, even unattractive women like you copped an attitude. Like it or not there is a scale. See here? The better looking a wman is the more attitude she can have and get away with it. You my dear, have the attitude of a '9' but are only a '6' on the best of days with make up, poor lighting, and say, 20 lbs less." Tracy nodded her head in agreement and understanding.
Tracy thanked Mo for his honesty and observations. She immediately left the establishment, went home, threw out the dumb pants, set an appointment to have her toes done, and quickly scooted out to the store to buy some normal pants. She immediately adjusted her attitude and began looking at and smiling at people when she walked to and from her car, in stores, in restaurants, and at the gym. She dropped 20 lbs, got rid of the tattoo, quit letting men live with her, got rid of the revolving door to her bedroom, stopped leasing a car, threw away her Mac and bought a PC. We've high hopes for her and all women similar to her.
