UnNews:Weather is colder than a witches tit in a brass bra

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 April 2007

Washington DC (UNN)- Hot on the heels of the Global Warming debate, weather in the Eastern half of the United States has turned "colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra," according to the United States Weather Bureau spokesman Guy Reese.

"A large mass of really cold Artic air has dipped south to make room for Global Warming around the Arctic Circle," explained Reese, who added that his first name is pronounced with a hard "G" and two long "ee"'s.

According to projected long range forecasts, the weather will remain cool for the next ten days before returning to seasonable highs.

Reese predicts that all should return to normal eventually, however he wouldn't set a date for when eventually will come. "Hardy flowers will spring back, unless we get another prolonged Arctic blast that will meet our standards for declaring that its colder than a warlocks balls in a brass jockstrap."

While the east shivers, the Western United States is expiriencing a heat wave which Reese described as "Hotter than Dutch Love."

Wildfire Silvermoon, 54, of East Jesus, KY, and her husband Darkwind Blackleaf, who are a witch/warlock couple of Dutch descent, commented that "Reese is an asshole, and needs to shut his honky mouth".

Sources

• Some dude on the night desk "Nations Weather" Yahoo! Weather, April 07, 2006