UnNews:We are in serious turmoil
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 April 2013
UnNews is in turmoil. I know I am not supposed to say that. I know we are supposed to stand as a united front against the outside world, but sometimes one has to come out with the truth in spite of terrible adversity. I have - quite bravely, if I may say so myself - decided to risk the wrath of my fellow UnNews reporters by standing up, walking downstairs, opening the door, stepping out, closing the door and having a good hard talk with myself while the others watch me and dare to snicker among themselves.
My fellow editors would have me believe everything is fine, that we are publishing a proud line of cutting-edge, well-styled and completely truthful news, but I simply cannot bear the burden of such gross - shall I put it bluntly? - lies! What else can they be? And these people I have to work with swallow the whole thing! To be lenient: the recent storms on the Sun must have had a deteriorating effect on my fellow editors' intelligences, so I can't really blame them for going along with the hype we constantly put out to make everything seem well.
What's more, they criticize Us - yet We are grandiose enough to allow that. What do We care? Sometimes it does hurt, but We bear it like a man. They snicker behind Our back and tell dirty jokes about Us in the chatroom. They revert Our Edits. They kick Us out of the chatroom. Some of them have even had the nerve to suspect Our sanity when We told them We run the show now. Ha! The time of reckoning is nigh.
These things are always difficult, so We ask you to bear with Us while We ramble a bit. Of course We could have edited this later to remove the superfluous bits, you all know that, but We decided to expose Our own weakness so clearly that the reader will have no choice but to take Us for our word because of Our blatant, fearless openness. Don't let your respect for Us turn into blind awe, though. We are far too modest to allow that.
To get on with Our Message - proof that all is not well: it might seem that UnNews has a unified line of reporting. On closer scrutiny, however, things aren't all that simple. The deviations in the past and present news articles may shock you, because you, an intelligent reader, are used to a high standard. If you have the heart to look at this newspiece, you will easily notice how wildly it seems to distort what must be the truth. Compare it with this one, then. Do you see how smoothly and elegantly it embraces facts? Do you notice the subtlety of expression that frankly bowls you over here? This and this are, of course, too distorted to even bear reading. Not to mention this article, which has been used as a source to one of the newspieces!
What, then, can be done? We are afraid we can only hope things turn for the better. If this goes on for much longer - if the other editors will not shape up and come to heel - UnNews will be down there in the dumps with the rest of the news services.