UnNews:Vampire Flu cover-up by DHS

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.

5 July 2012

One of the first symptoms of vampire virus: skin turns gray and eyes get bloodshot

TRANSYLVANIA, Romania -- Nosferatu, the 1922 silent film starring Max Headroom, is the original adaptation of the Dracula story that’s a veritable masterpiece of horror. The shock of Nosferatu led to hundreds of more vampire films and books as well as a sharp spike in real vampire attacks; it also gave rise to the notion that vampire cults might employ modern science to create a hybrid vampire virus, which could infect the entire human race.

Not surprisingly this seems to be the case. Vampire Flu virus is designed to cause infected humans to quickly turn mad and suck the blood out of other uninfected humans they encounter, spreading the virus exponentially to other humans, who then become vampires and bite other humans. The result of all this is a cold realization on the part of Vampires that normal folks are real.

Charles Dagger, a 20-year veteran of the CIA who headed up the Agency’s counter-vampire branch, noted that a doomsday cult known only as the Council on Foreign Relations had developed a vampire pathogen which could infect every human on the planet. But Dagger also warned that eventually everyone would be a vampire - who is forbidden by incest laws from gorging on fellow vampires - so they would eventually starve to death, leaving the entire human race undead.

Perhaps we might think it to be another nutty conspiracy theory (like the 9/11 Commission's report) if not for the November 11, 2011 Homeland Security Today cover story, Viral Vampires, which warned that “a hybrid, genetically engineered vampire flu” was hypothesized that “could cause those infected to become mad enough to want to bite others, in the process transmitting the virus.”

Vampire virus through a microscope

The Wall Street Journal also tackled this controversial issue in the story, Illuminati = Dracula. Under the subhead, Discover your inner vampire. The journal's report even asked whether infected vampires [pose] a threat to national security? And then answered their own stupid question with a resounding, “maybe!”

In fact, as early as 2001 a variety of paranoid freaks had expressed their concerns to Homeland Security when they collectively warned, “The ability to create vampire pathogens in the bedroom after dark is becoming easier and easier!” The freaks also told the DHS, “In our opinion producing [vampire virus] is much easier than trying to make enough Bird Flu. A single drop of dead Vampire blood is all that’s needed as a precursor!”

Yet in spite of this evidence and their own published report the DHS now attempts to cover the issue up with voluminous amounts of total horse manure. “Maybe it’s all a vampire conspiracy,” noted a virologist who claims to have helped the DHS cultivate vampire-genetics. But, never mind, because BIG SIS Napolitano flatly denies the existence of Vampire Flu. Believe it!

Sources[edit | edit source]